"Every financial discussion is based on what he said or she said. But that person isn't making decisions for you anymore." — Karen Chellew, My Divorce Solution
In almost every abusive relationship, there's a financial thread running through it — hidden money and controlled access to it. Somewhere along the way you were told — directly or not — what you're "entitled to," and you may have started to believe it. So when the relationship ends, a lot of people walk away from money and security that was actually theirs, simply because they never realized their legal and financial rights.
Karen Chellew has spent three decades inside the legal system watching this exact dynamic play out. A long-time paralegal and law-firm manager, she's now co-founder of My Divorce Solution, where she helps people prepare for divorce so they walk in knowing what they actually have — instead of taking their ex's word for it. The antidote to being controlled by money, she believes, is simply understanding it.
How money becomes control
Financial abuse rarely announces itself. Instead, it shows up as a running story about what you do and don't deserve. "Every financial discussion is based on what he said or she said," Karen says of her clients, which means that one partner is making decisions, and the other is accepting without question what's theirs to have.
The result is often that people walk away from what they're owed, because "the other person already has a certain level of authority over them, and they tend to believe it without seeking the information for themselves."
Karen's response when a client repeats the ex's financial rules is almost a mantra: "Duly noted. But that person isn't making decisions for you anymore. These are your options — and you get to decide."
It's a transaction, not a verdict
One reason financial abuse works is that money in a marriage feels loaded with meaning — who earned it, and who deserves it. Karen's reframe is deliberately unemotional. "The financial dissection of the marital estate is very much a transaction," she says. "Historically everybody thinks it's emotional, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. This is what you're dividing, and this is what you have access to."
That's a version of something we spend a lot of time on with our own clients: getting the other person's voice out of your head. The story that you don't deserve much is often just your ex talking, not the law. Stripping the emotion out of the numbers is how you start to see what's actually true.
Financial awareness is how you take your power back
The single most protective thing you can do is understand your own finances — and if you don't yet, that's normal. Karen says the income-and-expense step of preparation almost always starts as "a confessional — 'I spend a lot on shoes,' 'I don't know my budget.'" Her stance: "You don't have to know, but you're going to learn."
The point isn't to become an accountant overnight. It's to own your information — what you have, what it means legally and financially — so that when your spouse or your attorney says something, you can tell whether it's true, relevant, and worth losing sleep over. As Karen puts it, once you can parse the "daily threats and texts," you stop treating everything as an emergency and start responding from a place of knowledge.
You're the client — you have more authority than you think
Many people coming out of a controlling relationship hand that same authority straight to their attorney. Karen's reminder is blunt: "You are the client. You get to make the decisions. You get to hire the divorce professionals you want on your team."
That matters because most attorneys aren't financially trained. "They're risk managers — they have a license to protect," Karen explains, so when a question falls outside their lane they often will default to "this is what the court will say." A good attorney does their best for you, but they can only advocate well if you come informed. Karen's team gets on the phone with clients' attorneys precisely to keep everyone in the loop and ask the pointed questions clients don't know to ask. And no — the answer to a difficult attorney is usually not a new attorney. "You being informed, knowing what you're entitled to, and standing in that space is what moves you forward, and saves money," she says.
Choosing the right attorney for your actual case
Family law is enormous, and no single attorney is excellent at all of it. "You need an attorney who has experience in your most critical issues," Karen says — whether that's custody, complex finances, or both. Yet most people choose a lawyer the way they'd choose a plumber: whoever their realtor or friend used.
She described a client with a prenup to review whose referred attorney had "zero experience in prenups" and one year in family law after a stint as a criminal prosecutor. No wonder the relationship wasn't working. As we cover in our first book, the attorney-client relationship is one of the most important — and most intimate — you'll have during your case, and it's worth knowing what to expect, and choosing deliberately.
What a financial blind spot can cost you
The danger of not being financially aware isn't abstract. Karen shared two cases that show the stakes.
In the first, an older woman's soon-to-be-ex had a pension already in pay status. Her attorney told her it wasn't divisible and that nothing could be done. However, it was indeed divisible, and it represented her income for the rest of her life. Because she'd done her preparation, she had the confidence to say, "I don't really agree — let's take additional steps to clarify," and they got it corrected. Without that, Karen says, "she would have had no idea."
In the second, a client was told a settlement offer was "pretty good," and to "take it or we go to trial." Instead of accepting, she asked to see the supporting documents first. They were eventually subpoenaed — and she ended up with about two million dollars more than she would have initially agreed to. "Your attorney can't decide for you whether you're going to be fine," Karen says. "That's for you to decide. But you need to know what's available to you in the first place."
Slow down: divorce is almost never an emergency
Financial abuse thrives on urgency — the sense that you have to answer, decide, and sign right now. Karen pushes hard against that notion. "Don't negotiate anything until you feel like you have enough information and documents to start negotiating," she says. A temporary agreement signed to make the pressure stop can have long, lasting effects: "In some cases you don't even know what you signed."
Saying "I want to learn and go through this first, then I'll circle back" isn't refusing to cooperate — it's simply refusing to be rushed. "Divorce is not an emergency," Karen says, even when it may feel like it. What's the rush toward, really? Defending an agreement that was carelessly put together because you just wanted it to be over? Lisa notes that this is the same way hastily thrown-together parenting plans tend to land people right back in litigation.
Questions to ask yourself
- Whose voice is deciding what I "deserve" financially — the law's, or my ex's?
- How do I actually know what we have — accounts, debts, retirement, the house?
- Am I treating my attorney as the final authority on financial questions they may not be trained for?
- Is my attorney's experience matched to my case's most critical issue?
- Am I about to sign or agree to something mostly because I want this to be over?
Moving forward
Financial abuse works by keeping you in the dark and on the defensive. The way out isn't a dramatic confrontation — it's information. When you understand what you have and what it means, the ex's version of what you "deserve" loses its grip, and you can make decisions from a place of knowledge instead of fear.
You don't have to become a financial expert overnight. This starts with not taking your ex's word for it, getting the right people on your team, and refusing to be rushed into signing away what's yours. Taking your power back happens one informed step at a time.
Resources
Karen Chellew & My Divorce Solution — a divorce-preparation platform that helps you understand your finances before you engage attorneys or mediators. Find them at MyDivorceSolution.com and on their We Chat Divorce podcast.
From Been There Got Out: our first book includes a chapter on choosing the right attorney and being the client who runs your own case — because nobody has to live with the consequences of these decisions except you.
Frequently Asked Questions About Financial Abuse in Divorce
What is financial abuse in divorce?
Financial abuse in divorce is when one spouse uses money as a means of control — hiding assets, restricting access to accounts, or dictating what the other person is "entitled to." According to Karen Chellew of My Divorce Solution, a large percentage of clients dealing with high-conflict divorce arrive believing an ex's version of the finances. The damage is significant: people often walk away from money and security that is legally theirs, simply because they were told it wasn't and never sought the information themselves. Recognizing this control is the first step to countering it.
What are the signs of financial abuse in a marriage?
You may feel a constant low-grade panic around money and a sense that you can't make decisions without their approval. Common signs also include being kept in the dark about accounts and assets, having no real access to money, and being repeatedly told you're "not entitled" to what you contributed. Often every financial conversation traces back to thinking that what your spouse says is true, rather than actual numbers or the law. As Karen Chellew notes, this kind of control usually leaves people believing an ex's account of the finances instead of seeking independent information — which is exactly how financial abuse costs people what's theirs.
Can my spouse hide assets in a divorce, and what can I do about it?
Yes, and it happens often — but it can be dealt with. The remedy, Karen Chellew explains, is to get informed and ask for documentation rather than accepting conclusions. She describes a client whose attorney wrongly said a pension already in pay status wasn't divisible; because the client was prepared, she pushed for clarification and preserved income for the rest of her life. Ask for supporting documents, get a second opinion where numbers seem off, and don't finalize anything until you can see the full picture. You don't have to prove wrongdoing to insist on transparency — you just have to know the right questions.
Do I need a financial expert in my divorce, or is my attorney enough?
Most divorce attorneys are not financially trained, so a financial professional is often worth it in complex or high-conflict cases. As Karen Chellew puts it, attorneys "are risk managers — they have a license to protect," and when a question falls outside their expertise they tend to default to "this is what the court will say." A financial expert (working alongside your attorney as a team) can catch things like wrongly valued pensions, hidden assets, or a settlement that looks fine but isn't. Karen's clients typically save far more than they spend, because being prepared lets you use your attorney efficiently instead of leaning on them for everything.
How do I choose the right divorce attorney?
Match the attorney's experience to your case's most critical issue — custody or complex finances — rather than hiring whoever a friend or realtor recommended. Karen Chellew warns that family law is too broad for any one attorney to master entirely, and a mismatch is a common reason the relationship "crashes and burns." She describes a client whose referred attorney had zero prenup experience and only a year in family law. Interview attorneys about your specific issues, and remember this will be an intimate, extended working relationship. Been There Got Out's first book devotes a chapter to exactly how to choose and what to expect.
How do I protect myself financially in a divorce?
Start by owning your own information — what you have, what you owe, and what it means legally and financially — before you negotiate anything. Karen Chellew recommends gathering documentation, getting a second set of eyes on major assets like retirement accounts or a home, and not agreeing to terms until you can see the full picture. The goal isn't to become an accountant; it's to know enough to tell whether the information coming at you is accurate and relevant. That knowledge lets you respond from a place of calm rather than reacting to every threat or text as an emergency.
Is it okay to slow down instead of rushing to finalize the divorce?
Yes — in fact, slowing down often protects you. "Divorce is not an emergency," Karen Chellew says. "It may feel like it, but it is not." Rushing to sign, especially under pressure, can lock you into temporary agreements with long-lasting consequences you didn't fully understand. Saying "I want to review this first and then circle back" isn't uncooperative; it's refusing to be pressured. The one common exception is a looming trial date. Otherwise, giving yourself time to gather documents and understand what you're agreeing to almost always serves you better than getting it over with.
