"The people we marry are not the people we divorce." — Nicole Sodoma, family law attorney and parenting coordinator
Here's something that should make you feel a little less alone: a family law attorney with 26 years of experience — someone who has served as a parenting coordinator since 2006 — went through her own high-conflict divorce and had to hire not one, but three parenting coordinators to get through it. These crazy situations happen to the best of us, even when we imagine we “should have known better.”
A lot of our clients who get pushed into parenting coordination feel completely in the dark and don't understand what this person actually does, why they make the calls they make, or how to survive the process when the other parent won't cooperate. So we asked Nicole Sodoma to walk us through it. Nicole runs Sodoma Law out of Charlotte, North Carolina, has been a parenting coordinator for nearly two decades, and — as she's the first to admit — is also a member of the “been there got out” club by having lived through the process herself.
What follows is her honest guide: what a parenting coordinator really is, why yours may be making the decisions they do, the mistakes that could be making things worse, and the small, practical moves that can lower the temperature — even when your ex is doing everything to raise it.
What a parenting coordinator actually is
Most people are tossed into parenting coordination without ever being told what to expect, so let’s start with a basic definition: a parenting coordinator is a neutral third party, appointed by the court or by the parties, who has the power to make temporary, non-altering decisions — the day-to-day calls that would otherwise take months and a courtroom to resolve. "They act as a neutral," Nicole explains. They're often brought in for high-conflict cases with communication breakdowns, and both parents usually share the cost. The real goal, Nicole says, is bigger than settling this week's argument: "Ideally, they're teaching the parties how to more effectively communicate to reduce conflict, so that you don't end up in the courtroom."
It helps to know what "high conflict" actually means here, because it's a legal threshold, not just a feeling. Nicole pulled her state's statute for us — in North Carolina you have to prove high conflict before a parenting coordinator can even be appointed, and the law describes an ongoing pattern of "excessive litigation, anger and distrust, verbal abuse, physical aggression or threats of physical aggression, difficulty communicating and cooperating in the care of minor children" — plus a catch-all for anything else the court decides warrants one. If that list feels uncomfortably familiar, that's the point: coordinators exist for exactly the situations that parents can't untangle on their own.
Why your parenting coordinator decides things the way they do
A question that torments many parents is often figuring out why a coordinator doesn’t see things from their perspective. Often, it comes down to who they are. Parenting coordinators are generally either family law attorneys or mental health professionals, and that background shapes everything.
"A lot of times people will choose lawyers because they want somebody hard," Nicole says — someone who "just wants to see it clearly and move forward" without a lot of back-and-forth. "Whereas a mental health professional might want to dive a little bit more into why you're responding the way you are… and how you can come to some sort of common ground." Knowing which kind you have — and especially if you have a choice — could make a significant difference is how your case might be handled.
It also matters that a parenting coordinator is completely neutral — they hold no confidentiality with either parent, which is a very different role from a guardian ad litem or custody evaluator. As Nicole puts it, a guardian ad litem "shows up in a courtroom advocating on behalf of the child," while a parenting coordinator sits squarely in the middle of both parents. Good ones also don't rely only on what you and your ex tell them, so she'll talk to a child's school or counselor, or discreetly observe a custody exchange to see for herself how a child actually reacts. If it feels like your coordinator is looking past the accusations to the patterns underneath, that's by design.
And yes — in most orders, a parenting coordinator can act as a temporary decision-maker unless you've agreed otherwise. If you disagree with a decision, you can "appeal" it (Nicole's word, in air quotes) to your trial judge, usually with faster access to the court than filing a standard motion. Knowing that this door exists — and how your order defines it — is part of using the process well.
The harsh truth: it only works if both of you want it to
Nicole herself is a mom of three who never expected a high-conflict situation. "The people we marry are not the people we divorce," she says. Her first coordinator was a lawyer she thought would move things along quickly, but scheduling delays got in the way. Then came a therapist, then another therapist — three in all — before she and her ex finally agreed to stop using one.
Why did it take so many? Because a parenting coordinator can only help if both parties actually want change. "It takes two people to say 'I do,' and one to say 'I don't,'" Nicole says. "It only takes one party to not communicate effectively, to not want to co-parent." When one parent won't engage, the coordinator can't make progress — and has the right to withdraw from the case.
That's a brutal thing to hear when you're the parent who is trying and your ex isn't. But you can't force the process to work through sheer effort. What you can do is protect yourself procedurally — which brings us to the single best insurance policy a parenting plan can have.
Guardrails: the clause that saves you at an impasse
Nicole's favorite word in this whole arena is "guardrails" — the provisions in your order that decide what happens when the two of you can't agree. And she's insistent on the wording: plan for when there's an impasse, not if.
Here's why: imagine you share joint legal custody and have to choose a school. It's June, the decision is due by the end of July, and you disagree. "You're never going to get to court and be heard and done by the time school starts," Nicole says. And here's the part that stuns most parents: even if you did get in front of a judge, "the court has to make the decision on who makes the decision — not which school is better for the child." Courts decide the tie-breaker, not the issue itself. So if your order doesn't name who breaks a deadlock, you can be stuck with no answer and a deadline barreling toward you.
This is why how your parenting plan is drafted matters so much. Legal decision-making usually covers less than a handful of major issues — education, medical, extracurriculars, and religion — and Nicole increasingly urges parents to add another the old plans ignored: technology. "It's such a big deal," she says, "and also so hard to monitor and enforce." One workable approach is to split authority by strength: the more academically involved parent decides on education, the other on medical. There are no two families alike, she notes — so build the guardrails that fit yours.
The invisible mistakes that make everything worse
Nicole has a "laundry list" of mistakes — ones she's seen as a coordinator and, honestly, made herself. They map almost exactly onto what we see with our clients.
Over-communicating. "It's really easy to want to over-communicate, but it ends up leading to more arguments," she says. Keep it short, factual, and opinion-free. This is the heart of what we teach as strategic communication — and it's worth adding the rule we give our clients: never offer an opinion unless you want them to do the opposite. To a high-conflict ex, your stated preference is just a target.
Not understanding who you're dealing with. Nicole keeps Bill Eddy's work on high-conflict personalities on her shelf and hands it out constantly, because parents "who don't understand high-conflict personalities tend to have higher-conflict cases." The classic trap: your ex seems reasonable today, so you let your guard down and share how you really feel — "and then up pops the high-conflict again." Knowing the pattern protects you from walking into it.
Reacting emotionally instead of strategically. Even Nicole catches herself: "I'll say, today I'm going to be emotional… but just know what you're doing. Recognize that's going to be a mistake." Her fix is the one we call catching the knee-jerk response before it becomes Exhibit A: write it in a journal, send it to yourself, and don't hit send on the version that feels good at the moment.
Choosing to win over resolving. "It's not about winning or losing, it's about resolution," she says. Blaming and accusing keep you anchored to the past; the only useful question is what you're going to do moving forward.
Underestimating the impact on your kids. This one goes well beyond the obvious "don't use your kids as messengers." Children absorb invisible energy — the way you won't look at their other parent or the tension at a shared birthday party. Your kids are reading your face. "You must love your children more than you hate your ex," Nicole says, "and those behaviors impact the child" — who may go on to mirror or internalize them.
Posting on social media. It feels good at the moment, but it's rarely worth it. Even if your kids aren't your friends online, the parents of their friends are watching, and what you’re putting out there travels farther than you think. What Nicole and every family lawyer come back to is the question to ask yourself: would you be comfortable reading this post to a judge? If not, it's not just your case you're risking — it's your children's emotional health.
What to do instead: moves that lower the temperature
The good news is that Nicole has several fixes you can set up immediately which include:
Share one email address for the kids. This is her decade-old favorite. Both parents have access to a single email account used for school, coaches, and doctors. "It eliminates that extra step of communication," she says — no more relaying appointments — and if someone changes the password, "it's really easy to show who changed it." A shared calendar can live there too.
Make it easy at school. Hand the teacher stamped, pre-addressed envelopes — one for each parent — so both of you receive the artwork, sign-up sheets, and flyers, even if only one parent does daily pickup. "Be the parent that makes it easy," Nicole says. You're almost certainly not the only high-conflict family that teacher is juggling, and making their job simple serves your kids.
Document the pattern, not everything. High-conflict cases, like domestic violence cases, are built on patterns, not single incidents. "If you were to cherry-pick one email, one text message… that's very different than the string," Nicole says. Start early, keep things organized and easy to read, and remember your time with a coordinator or a court is painfully limited. We teach this as targeted documentation — tie it to the custody and best-interest factors that actually matter, rather than logging everything, which just runs up cost and buries the main points to make.
Be careful with recording. Recording every exchange can backfire and make you look like the high-conflict parent — and it frightens kids. If you genuinely need to, Nicole suggests telling the other person you're recording ("most of the time they act crazier when they know," which rather makes your point). When in doubt, ask a professional how to document safely.
Think one chapter ahead. Finally, Nicole likes parents and their advisors to plan for what's next — a future blended family, a move, a new partner — and ask, "What could we be doing now that will make all of that easier?" The guardrails you build today are for the family you'll be years later.
Questions to ask yourself
- Do I actually understand what my parenting coordinator can and can't decide — and how to "appeal" a decision I disagree with?
- How does my order spell out what happens when we hit an impasse?
- Which of Nicole's mistakes am I most prone to — over-communicating, reacting emotionally, or posting online?
- How am I documenting clear patterns – and what are those patterns?
- What's one thing I could set up this week (a shared kids' email, envelopes at school) to make this easier?
Moving forward
A parenting coordinator isn't a punishment, nor are they a referee who's going to hand you a win. At best, they're a guardrail that could keep a hard situation out of the courtroom and teach two people to communicate well enough to raise their kids apart.
You can't control whether your ex cooperates, which kind of coordinator you're assigned, or how fast the court moves. But you can control your communication, what you document, and the guardrails you put in place.
Resources
Nicole Sodoma — family law attorney and parenting coordinator, founder of Sodoma Law (Charlotte, North Carolina). Author of Please Don't Say You're Sorry, a candid guide to marriage, separation, and divorce (she narrated the audiobook herself). Find her as Nicole Sodoma across social platforms.
From Been There Got Out: our Strategic Communication Course — How to Communicate With Your Ex Without Destroying Your Case (or Losing Your Mind) — has a free workshop here. It teaches the exact skills Nicole points to: communicating with a high-conflict co-parent briefly, factually, and without handing them ammunition.
Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting Coordinators
What is a parenting coordinator?
A parenting coordinator is a neutral third party — appointed by the court or agreed to by the parents — who helps families dealing with high conflict manage day-to-day disputes without running to court over every disagreement. As attorney Nicole Sodoma explains, they have the power to make "temporary, non-altering decisions": the smaller calls that would otherwise take months to get in front of a judge. Not every state offers them, and both parents typically share the cost. Beyond settling individual arguments, their real job is to teach parents to communicate more effectively so conflict calms down over time. Used well, Sodoma says, "they're great to have" — a buffer that keeps your family out of the courtroom.
What's the difference between a parenting coordinator and a guardian ad litem?
They sound similar but play opposite roles. A guardian ad litem represents the child — as Nicole Sodoma puts it, they "show up in a courtroom advocating on behalf of the child" and have a direct relationship with them. A parenting coordinator, by contrast, is a complete neutral who sits between both parents and holds no confidentiality with either one. Both operate under the same "best interest of the child" standard, but a guardian ad litem is an advocate, while a coordinator is a middle-ground problem-solver focused on reducing conflict and keeping decisions moving. Knowing which one your case involves — and what they're empowered to do — prevents a lot of costly misunderstandings.
Can a parenting coordinator make decisions, and are they final?
Often yes, they can make decisions — but they're usually not the last word. In most orders, Nicole Sodoma says, a parenting coordinator can act as a temporary decision-maker on smaller issues unless the parents have agreed otherwise. Crucially, you're not stuck with a call you believe is wrong: you can "appeal" it to your trial judge, typically with quicker access to the court than filing a standard motion would give you. The exact process depends on how your order is written, which is why it's worth reading that language closely (or having your attorney explain it) before you ever need it. The coordinator handles the temporary; the judge retains the final authority.
Who pays for a parenting coordinator?
In most cases, both parents share the cost. Nicole Sodoma notes that shared expense is the norm "unless it seems obvious that that's not the case" — for example, where one parent's conduct is clearly driving the need. Because a coordinator is meant to keep you out of repeated court hearings, many families find the arrangement less expensive than litigating every impasse; as we often tell clients, fighting it out in court can feel like paying for a Super Bowl ad every time you disagree. That said, coordinator fees are real and ongoing, so it's worth clarifying up front — in the order itself — exactly how costs are divided and what happens if one parent won't pay their share or cooperate with the process.
What can I do if my parenting coordinator isn't helping or seems biased?
First, understand why the process may be stalling: a parenting coordinator can only make progress when both parents genuinely want change. "It takes two people to say 'I do,' and one to say 'I don't,'" Nicole Sodoma says — and when one parent won't engage, the coordinator can even withdraw from the case. If you disagree with a specific decision, use your "appeal" route to the judge. If the fit itself is wrong, know that Sodoma went through three coordinators in her own divorce before landing on the right arrangement, so changing coordinators is not unusual. Document your concerns factually, lean on your order's provisions, and get your attorney involved rather than simply disengaging.
Should I choose a lawyer or a mental health professional as a parenting coordinator?
It depends on what your case needs, because the two bring different strengths. Parenting coordinators are usually either family law attorneys or mental health professionals, and Nicole Sodoma says that background shapes how they'll handle you. People often pick a lawyer when they want someone "hard" and efficient — someone who "just wants to see it clearly and move forward." A mental health professional is more likely to "dive a little bit more into why you're responding the way you are" and work toward common ground. Neither is universally better. A high-conflict case that needs firm, fast rulings may suit a lawyer; one where communication and co-parenting dynamics are the core problem may do better with a therapist.
How do I work with a parenting coordinator when my ex won't cooperate?
Focus on what's within your control, because you can't force the other parent to engage. Build strong guardrails into your order — clear provisions for what happens when you reach an impasse, so a deadlock over school or medical decisions has a built-in tiebreaker. Communicate briefly, factually, and without opinions, which gives an uncooperative ex less to react to. Document the pattern of behavior (not every incident) in an organized, easy-to-read way. And use your coordinator's decision-making power and your "appeal" route when you're truly stuck. As Nicole Sodoma's own experience shows, you may not be able to fix the dynamic — but you can keep protecting yourself and your kids as best you can.
What mistakes should I avoid with a parenting coordinator?
The big ones all make conflict worse. Nicole Sodoma's list includes over-communicating (long, opinion-filled messages that invite more arguments — keep it short and factual), reacting emotionally instead of strategically, and fighting to "win" a point instead of reaching a resolution. Add underestimating how much your children absorb — they read your tone and body language, not just your words — and posting about your ex on social media, which can look like disparagement and follow you into court. A useful filter for almost any move: would you be comfortable showing this message or post to a judge? If the answer is no, don't send it. Slowing down long enough to ask that question is half the battle.
