The end of a relationship is often difficult, but breaking up with a narcissist is a whole new level of confusion and heartbreak.
Narcissistic relationships generally follow predictable patterns, and the breakup is referred to as the “discard,” the dictionary definition of which is “getting rid of someone or something no longer useful or desirable.”
The difference between a typical breakup and a discard is that during a normal split, both parties are generally sad. The initiator is usually able to recognize that the other person’s feelings are hurt, and will have some sense of guilt.
However, narcissists lack empathy. They are unable to recognize another person’s feelings or needs. During a discard, while you may be at your emotional lowest, they appear to move on without a care in the world, and may exhibit absolute disregard for you, whether you’ve been together for weeks or decades.
One very common behavior that occurs during the discard is a distortion of the truth. Narcissists will make up their own versions of reality regarding the details of the breakup. Why? Mainly, to preserve their ego. Whatever the reason for the relationship’s end, it will always be your fault.
In the world of narcissism, the discard follows a predictable abusive pattern in what many refer to as a “manipulationship.”
Its first stage is idealization, where you were probably placed on a pedestal in order to build trust and remove your boundaries. This “love-bombing” phase pulled you deeper and deeper into the relationship.
Later on, the narcissist realizes that you are an actual human being with flaws, and you don’t fit their perfection fantasy. Or, you start resisting his/her attempts to control you. Either way, thus begins the next phase, “devaluation.”
Devaluation often will involve more intense efforts at manipulation and abuse. In her article, “3 Signs the Narcissist is Preparing to Discard You,“ author Narcwise Maggie claims that during this time, “intentionally exploiting your vulnerabilities and hitting your trigger points is now the primary form of interaction with you.”
Remember that in order to survive narcissists need you to believe their false, constructed reality, and offer your full admiration and attention. If you don’t, their subconscious fear of abandonment may start creeping in. Sensing your exit, and as a defense mechanism, a narcissist may then start going on the hunt for new “supply,” meaning anyone else who can provide a sense of desirability for them.
So what are the warning signs? How will a narcissist act while getting ready to discard you?
According to Narcwise Maggie, look for the following clues:
- Sudden, intense involvement with a “friend” or a “business associate”
- Secrecy surrounding phone, email, and social media accounts
- Changes to routine, including frequent lateness, cancellations and unavailability. This can also include disappearing for days without contact or explanation.
- Overly detailed storytelling
- Your discovery of suspicious objects in the home or car which don’t belong to you or your partner
Also, pay attention to how narcissists may suddenly change appearance, including new clothes, haircuts, and scent. They might even start displaying bizarre new speech patterns, mannerisms, and hobbies. This may occur because they are mirroring the interests of their potential new supply.
Your brain is working so hard to make sense of what’s going on that you may become completely exhausted on many levels. Even knowing the warning signs may not stop a feeling of being completely blindsided. The consequences will be not only psychological, but physical, including anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, isolation, rashes, and stomach problems, just to start.
According to Melanie Tonia Evans, an expert on narcissism, it is important that you protect yourself if you sense that a discard is coming, because a narcissist’s main goal will be to punish you, and he/she will often go after what you value the most in order to do so.
If you have children together, they may launch a major custody battle for spite. They commonly go after money and property as well – anything they feel they can physically take away from you.
Evans recommends that you get out when the narcissist is not around and get hold of whatever belongs to you while you still have access to it. If you plan to leave the house, take whatever belongings you can, as you probably will not be able to get back in.
Finally, if possible, create a bank account in your own name, and speak to a solicitor or lawyer as soon as possible to understand more specifically how you can protect yourself.
Most importantly, do not let anyone who might possibly relay the information back to the narcissist know your plans.
For further resources on personal safety during a discard, or ending a relationship with a toxic partner, we recommend getting in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org, or calling them at 1-800-799-7233.
And if you think you or someone you care about may be in a relationship with a narcissist, take our free Toxic Relationship quiz, which provides more specific examples of domestic abuse and can help you assess your own situation.
I finally got away from my narc. friend. I think i suffered from ptsd. Nobody really understands or believes? when u try to talk about it.
Oh, we certainly believe and definitely understand! Have lived through this!
We are planning in the next week to do a free live “Detox Talk” on topics like this – just trying to figure out which platform to use. Everyone is holed up right now, and needs to talk to people who can relate!
You are not alone. I suffered this from a female work collegue. I was lucky another female work collegue saw how I was treated in the discard stage and supported me. All other male work friends were unsympathetic and thrived on her seeking a new supply seeking attention infront of me and dissing me infront of them…until you have experienced a narc you will never understand…its like a whirlwind in your mind of confusion dismay and ultimate hurt
It’s amazing when there are people who can recognize and help you deal with the craziness while it’s happening, and yes, unless you have experienced it, it is basically impossible to truly understand.
To add to my previous comment. I’ve had months of therapy for anxiety and depression There are days I feel free then there are days where I feel utterly broke and back to square one. I dont think you ever recover, it constantly “haunts” me and find myself ruminating..
I used to be so confident, outgoing and positive. I always were happy and had the half glass full outlook…I believe this is what draw her to me and got emotionally attached…
To this day I’m am the complete opposite, I feel useless worthless, stupid for “fooling for her charms”..I have list all my confidence….time will heal and know it’s a long road but support and understanding from others is paramount
Yes, time will heal, but not without support. I have known a number of people who keep can’t seem to get past the abuse, but also know several who have worked through it, all of whom came out much happier and healthier, and filled with gratitude.
We both were in the same place you were…me in particular with blaming myself for being so stupid…but I definitely got my confidence back. The main reason was being able to talk to people who totally got it, and my own understanding of EXACTLY what I was dealing with (which took a lot of time and research) – it made me a lot more able to detach from the situation, and STOP BLAMING MYSELF.
I completely understand. It’s hard to talk to people about what you’re going through. Barca are charming and believable. My ex narc boyfriend was cheating on me at the job we both work at. It was sudden and random and embarrassing. The emotional scars left are deep.
Stacy,
It must be so difficult still having to see the person at work…
U r so correct , my friends just tell me to get over it while they have no understand of the abusive behavior we have encountered ,
Steve,
Yes, it is usually unfathomable to people who have not experienced it.
Some people will never understand the pain and I pray they never will have to. Stay strong ❤
When i read about the rashes and other problems that can be caused by stress really scared me as Iam 35 yrs old and I’ve been in a r’ship with a covert narcissist for 3 yrs but only just discovered what the word means. I have been binge watching you-tube vids about narcs love bombing stonewalling gaslighting co-dependence etc. The day I discovered that there were actually terms for all this stuff that i had been going through and trying to make sense of in my life was a huge relief to know to know I’m not crazy.The more I learn on the subject makes life easier dealing with him but still Iam trying to break away from him (since the start of this year).Iam exhausted my daughter has moved out of home and I’ve been getting really bad eczema like rashes over my whole body that I’ve never had before. ????
Dear Carla,
Yes, stress – especially relationship stress – can create all kinds of physical reactions, so I am not surprised to hear this!
Lisa
I am in the middle of my second break up in a year with my narc as you refer to him every symptom he displays from when we got together in the beginning he had to dress me a certain way dye my mustache he would point out all my flaws and belittled me made me feel not as good enough to be with him pretending to be so special and sweet and nice to me it made me want to work on the relationship and stay with him and hoped it would all change and it did but I could never do nothing right never nothing was ever good enough to please him he would point out what was wrong with anything instead of liking it why I was doing or how much I went out of my way to try to do for him that was never recognized anything that I’ve busted him on I mean hardcore proof he will change the subject in a blink of an eye and never recognized that you brought it up and then no guilt in the topic or the subject would get buried and other things it would change the subject and I did so much for him but once I would leave a day later he’s calling me or texting saying he’s with lonely in the sucks and wants me back and needs me a very big emotional rollercoaster so much more that I could say
The “nothing was ever good enough to please him” really hits home for almost all of us…so familiar. It sounds like you are being “hoovered” on a regular basis. We talk about this in our video responding to the survey, which should is on Instagram and our Facebook page, and I think we’re going to do another video on it as well. It’s painful to remember how you must feel right now.
Ive been with Rob for almost 8 yrs and it has been an emotional rolller coaster. My feelings never matter,he never shows any emotion always punishing me like a child and giving me the silent treatment.He ignores everything I try to discuss with him and treats me as an option or like part of the furniture.He doesnt hear me when I speak,beg,cry,or shows absolutely no emotiin.I never get gifts or taken out anywheree or ever respons to my texys or calls. He lies about everything&wont discuss important issues with me. He had an intire family in another State for 2yrs and recently moved me there and Ive been here 2 months and hes trying to put me on the streets. He isolated me for 3 yrs and kept me in fear and tramatized before moving here and he thinks its funny..I finally had the police puck me up and help me cauae i had a nervous break down.Hes now got eyes for another girl that has children and hes threatening and harrassing me to het out and Ifont know what imvgonna do.Hes rude,arrogant,very narcistic,and emotionaness..please help
Misty,
Unfortunately the “emotional roller coaster” and everything you’ve described here is all too common in a toxic relationship. Awful. I’m wondering if you have reached out to your local domestic violence center (by phone) or The Hotline? Would be a great first step, as you are definitely in the midst of chaos…
The past yr in a half it’s been Discard stage. From being beaten, humiliated, choked, suffocated spit at to leaving shit in the toilet, sets me up to fail. Last night he went into rage of guilt and verbally attacked me kicked. Me out in front of his mom and dad. Next day he had this new home nurse he’s been playing grab ass with here, his sister, 2 nieces, and mom here at the house. I was in backroom not able to function. He walks in with flowers in front of everyone HOW FUKN SICK, SWEET
Tobi,
In the midst of all of this, one thing is clear: you are not being fooled anymore with limp attempts at apologizing (that’s what it sounds like)…
I finally left my husband of 30 years in December…
I had been trying to get out for 3 years. However, we were raising our granddaughter who just turned 3 and everytime I acted like I was going to leave, he would threaten to call dhs and tell them b.s. to get her taken from me!!!
That was one leash…
I also had a 2014 car that has been broken down for over a year! He kept putting off getting it fixed!
I now believe that he used that as another leash!
Fast forward to the present… He is only giving me approximately $300/month in spousal support!
I am disabled and unable to work.
He claims that it is 10% of his take home and that he can’t afford more.
That would mean his take home before my 300, is 3,000!!!
Take in mind that we own our property and so he has NO rent or mortgage, he made the last payment on his car in January and hasn’t made a payment on my “yard ornament” in over a year, he just keeps the gate shut so they cannot repo it!!!
How in the world can he NOT AFFORD MORE than $300/month?!?
He keeps begging me to come back home, but doesn’t want me to come there to get more of my personal belongings.
Everything he does just confirms that I should have left him years ago and then I feel stupid for putting up with it
SMH
Kathy,
I totally feel your frustration! First, your statement, “I should have left him years ago” and feeling stupid for staying, is how WE ALL feel! Try not to beat yourself up for this.
Second, the financial nonsense you describe is textbook for people like this. I have been in court for years (since getting divorced) still dealing with an ex-husband’s lying and hiding assets. He refuses to adhere to a divorce agreement where we both share our children’s college educational expenses, and all he does is claim how broke he is. Maddening.
I’m going through the start of the discard. It came out of nowhere- so unexpected and without reason. He says that I have been “bullying” him by telling him how much he hurts my feelings.
A year ago, I put myself in treatment for alcoholism and left everything in my life to go 1300 miles away into a place where I had and knew nobody. He supported me every day, encouraged and praised me for trying to better my ever so dying life. We talked every day and never went to bed without a “goodnight”.
I came back from treatment and he was the one who awaited my arrival. Eyes filled with tears and he said how much he missed me and I love you so much. Since last July, until around 2 months ago, I was his everything, his world and he would never leave me until death.
We did everything together. EVERYTHING. Texted and called everyday we weren’t together. Then one day, he told me that my texts have nothing to say, so don’t waste his time. I was given certain rules on when I could text, he blocked my phone calls by silent ringtone and yesterday he told me “what makes you “special” compared to my other friends, that I need to talk to you everyday.
As you all know, this is just a piece of sand on the beach of how little he makes me feel.
Oh Alison,
What a devastating experience. This type of trauma is, they say, one of the most painful, because instead of being able to just grieve the loss of someone you loved and trusted, you are instead questioning and blaming yourself. The details you included made me pretty sure that you are experiencing a discard, because nobody else moves on so quickly, without a care about the other person’s feelings. If possible, sign up for this week’s free Detox Talk, and we can discuss more live – you could probably use a lot of emotional support right now.
I am going through a discard too. I am 8 months pregnant. We have never been married and have one child together as well. The day it all happened I had a bit of an anxiety attack at work. He came home super concerned about me and the baby. I asked to see his phone and found him having a friendly text exchange with another woman. I lost it!!!! I left that night but told him to get out.
It is now going on 7 weeks of us being apart. I just don’t understand how he can stop caring about his 5 year old daughter (he sees her every once in a while) and go from being so involved in the pregnancy to not asking how either of us are? I struggle with how this is all my fault, how he is bringing up relationship I had 9 years ago before him. How he can’t apologize for hurting his family. This is so incredibly hard! He is still being very financially responsible for his family though.
Jenny,
I went through something similar, and know exactly what you are talking about. It is indeed shocking that someone who could appear so loving and involved could completely drop off the face of the earth in terms of caring for his children (and you). Glad he is being financially responsible, but that’s the least he could do. Emotional support is what you need, and I imagine you are heartbroken for your daughter as well.
Things do get better, though it’s hard to believe they can. I didn’t think any of it would ever make sense, but it’s now been over five years since that point for me, and life is better than I ever could have imagined. My two kids are also doing very well, even with the “loss” of their father. It did take a lot of work to process, and it is incredibly hard…
We (BTGO) are getting ready to roll out own first course in the next couple of weeks, which involves getting clarity and the strength to get your sanity back, for situations like yours (and mine)…keep an eye on your inbox (if you are signed up to get our newsletters, etc).
Once I understood what was happening, I could start moving forward, and I am sure that when you begin to understand what you have been/are really dealing with regarding that type of personality, you can start moving forward, too. In the meantime, hang in there as best you can.
I have cancer, my boyfriend always showed signs of narcissism. We have been together 4 years. He broke up with me 19 months ago. That day I was diagnosed with breast cancer… he was back immediately. After bilateral mastectomy we went on holiday. I developed septic shock and almost passed away. He was so loving and caring in ICU, cried next to my bed. He supported me the through radiation and chemo. The verbal abuse was better but still not gone. On Monday is my first big checkup after treatment and extensive surgery in January. He said he would go with me. We are in lockdown at the moment, impossible to be with him 24/7. He is also going through a difficult time at the moment, but the verbal abuse became so bad-it is unbearable. He calls me by my surname, I hate it, he knows it but it doesn’t stop. Last week he broke up with me in a very nasty whatsapp that belittled me so much. He never recognizes my support to him. I didn’t phone him for 4 hours and he went ballistic. I blocked him after he yelled at me in a parking lot, using only my surname. I was so ashamed. The next day he sent me a heart over whatsapp. I told him he broke my heart. He sent another one, I blocked him . He is extremely jealous, isolated me from my friends. I always have to tell him where I am. He believes he slept with everyone existing. I am at a very lonely place and I feel bad that I blocked him. What if I hurt his feelings? Couldn’t I have done more? Should I unblock him? I don’t know what to apologise for. I just cannot fight cancer, more surgery in s few days and cope with this situation. Any advice would be appreciated
Oh Maggie,
It sounds like you have crisis on top of crisis on top of crisis…this situation is unimaginable.
One thing you might want to do is first step back and pay attention to what you just wrote – you have a life-threatening illness, which you have to fight on a daily basis, and your partner has been beyond cruel. It sounds like this has been going on for quite some time. Yet you are most concerned about hurting his feelings and asking yourself, “Couldn’t I have done more?”
If you had a friend who told you what you just posted here, what would you say to her? I have a feeling it wouldn’t be, “Yes Maggie, it’s your fault.” What you have described – all of it -shows signs of someone who has been cleverly manipulated and emotionally abused. I’m not sure if you read the other blog I wrote on this topic, or the one on teen dating which covers “intermittent reinforcement,” one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. I think both contain information which might help clarify your situation even more.
We are in the midst of preparing to launch a quick “lifeboat” course – to do over 3 weeks – which will provide live support and information on topics just like this for people in situations like yours in their relationships…still putting together the emails and materials, but keep your eyes peeled, as it may help give you some strength that it is not you who is the problem. In the meantime, try to take care of yourself as best you can,
Lisa
Thank you, i jeeded this article so much! My ex (of 3 weeks) is a narcissist and ended it by suggesting his new housemate moving in join us in his spa. I couldn’t make sense of it until reading this article. I would love to heqr about another cleansing session as im still struggling and wanting to make contact. I feel like somebody has taken over my brain!
Hi Ange,
Glad it was helpful! It is a crazy experience, one I wish I knew about when I myself was experiencing such a horror show.
If you would like to see more content for stuff just like this, I post daily on Instagram which goes to Facebook; you can follow us on Been_There_Got_Out on Instagram, or just Been There Got Out on FB. Also, if you want to subscribe to our list, we can send you information as it comes out, like new blogs – I have to write one this week! – and all of the information for our upcoming membership program and Lifeboat course.
Lisa
I’m 25 and left my behind my life in the uk three years ago to be with my now ex narc bf. After a year he did the whole devalue discard I took it bad. I attempted suicide and due to massive blood loss suffered a stroke. He then just as interested again his voice being the only thing I remember at times. Since then it’s been ongoing scale of blocking/ unblocking the silent treatment veiled threats etc. Then yesterday he left for work and the same message he has for 3 years “ I love you baby” 3 hours later he discarded me. He’s 50 so double my age, I’m numb and hurt supposed to marry him on the 4th
Dear Skye,
Sounds nightmarish. You already seem pretty aware of what’s going on…which shows that you still have some spark in you, despite what you’ve already been dealing with both emotionally and physically. I hope you choose something much better than this…please keep an eye out for our emails in the next couple of weeks,
Lisa
Lisa
I’ve been in an abusive relationship with my Narc husband of 2.5 years. It started getting horrible right around our 2 year anniversary in November 2019. He wouldn’t work… I’m in thousands and thousands of dollars in debt… he just discarded me out of the blue. I should have suspected something when he asked me to marry him after a week. We got married within 28 days! I’m BEYOND devastated and hurt… this is my 3rd abusive relationship… I’m desperately seeking professional help. I’m in the Long Beach, CA area … any suggestions on a good therapist for anxiety and depression?
Dear Sherrell,
Ugh, unfortunately your story is all too familiar. In terms of this being your third abusive relationship, Chris and I at Been There Got Out are actually putting together, as part of our Lifeboat course, a seminar on “How to Stop Repeating the Cycle” as so many people in this community said it was one of their top issues.
If you are subscribed to this list, keep your eye out for emails from us with details in the next couple of weeks, as it could be really helpful, as well as not just a therapist, but an emotionally supportive community to see you through this nightmarish period in life (which, I promise, does get better!).
Lisa
I feel for everyone on here! I’m in the process right now of divorcing my soon to be ex wife. We have only been married for 3 years, but it feels like it’s been a life time. 3 years ago I thought I have met the girl of my dreams. Of course this was only the love bombing phase which I understand today. During the love bombing phase I discovered she was a major alcoholic. Trust me, I saw all the red flags! I went against my better judgement. I guess I got hooked from the love bombing phase. Fast forward here a little. I have been through 3 relapses with her, faced all the emotional abuse, all the lies, cheating, you name it…it’s happened.
I was trying to be supportive, loving, caring to help her through her recovery. I even stopped drinking to support her. Which was not a big deal for me to begin with. I thought all her issues were due to being and an alcoholic. I did a ton of research on addition and mental health, as she had all kinds of mental health issues as well. Little did I know NPD was the big piece. Starting doing tons of research on NPD. That’s when the light bulb went off!!
I’m currently in the discard phase. I think she started sensing I was getting ready to leave and decided to do it first. I do believe she has already found another scouse. I have caught her in a couple of lies since. She doesn’t I know tho. No reason for me to confront her in my opinion.. Unfortunately we are still under the same roof right now. She is trying to buy my half out of the house. Hopefully that happens! If all goes well, I should be out of here by the end of July. It’s like living in a crazy making world since. She acts like it’s just another day.
The one thing I have learned out of this. These people are extremely dangerous! Don’t ever think differently! They will take down the strongest of people. Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you. I thought I was a strong person with strong boundaries. Little did I know, how far I would be tested. I made the huge mistake of giving this person chance after chance. I asked myself…how could I have let this happen to me? I then realized why….I lost my mother about 3 years ago to cancer. It was a big loss for me. I wasn’t emotionally in a good spot. I felt lost, and I seemed to have hung on to this person, which seemed to show great compassion while my mother was still alive. When she passed, that all changed. There I was standing there all by myself.
It’s nice to know one isn’t all alone out there. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories! It does help! We will all get through this. Just remember to love yourself, understand what your self worth is, create strong boundaries. (3 strike rule) 3 times and you out! Be happy with who you are, you don’t need someone else in your life to complete you or your happiness. Don’t focus on the Narc, turn inward to yourself and solve your inter self. And don’t be hard on yourself!
Hi Bill,
Sounds like you have learned A LOT about yourself as well as this relationship so far, and also that you have already started to emotionally distance yourself, which is key, before the actual split. I know many of us can relate to a lot of the details you have experienced, including myself!
And yes, it so does help knowing you’re not alone in the chaos!
Stay strong, and keep in touch – hope all goes well and you are indeed out by the end of July (but if you’ve discovered anything about NPD, it’s that there are lots of unexpected surprises with these people…),
Lisa
Ohh God! I think i just missed a bulet… Just six months into it, and spent the last two months telling myself “i am not crazy, i am not doing nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with me and this is not my fault. ”
What kept me strong was keep telling myself that “ignorance is bliss” but this article basically gave me the closure I needed.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Al,
So glad to hear this!
Lisa
I was raised by a narc, my father. I was a very introverted, shy, caring and giving child… and still am as an adult, so I guess that makes me a prime target. I then dated a narc for 2.5 years which was a major turning point in my life. It was that experience that taught me what narcissism was and explained so much about my childhood. It took me 1.5 yrs to heal from that and be strong again.
After that time I began dating again. About a month in to dating one guy, I saw the red flags. The live-bombing, the wanting to be with me 24/7, not respecting my requests for space, wanting to movie together, talking about serious future plans, and then telling me he loved me within that month. Luckily from my previous experience, I knew instantly what I was dealing with and once I did, everything made sense. By week 7, I told him I was done. By then I was beginning to grey rock and his reaction to that told me everything I needed to make my decision. Of course when I told him this was unhealthy and I could not do this anymore, he said it was all about me lol… classic narcissist.
I was just upset with myself that I had allowed another narc to take advantage of me, my kindness, and my giving nature, but proud of myself for recognizing the signs and only wasting 1.5 months of my time rather than 2.5 years.
Good luck and stay strong to everyone out there who may be suffering. Get out when you can, I promise, life is so much better without a narcissist in it and you are worth so much more!
Dear Stephanie,
I LOVE hearing stories like this. So glad you learned how to recognize exactly what was happening early on, and were able to avoid a major mess.
Big congratulations, and know that with the precious skills you’ve learned, your future relationships should just get even better!
Lisa
I have been in a relationship with my narc girlfriend for over 19 years. I had a heart attack about a year ago because of all the stress she put me under. I also developed an immune problem and got severe anaphylaxis for no apparent reason. Again probably because of all the stress she was putting me under. I had to take a leave of absence from work then luckily got a little disability. She always told me her problems were worse than mine and made fun of me when I was feeling ill or felt angina. Then she brought in a new player when I was not feeling well. She had him write nasty messages to me and send me threatening pictures and texts. He even chased my car.
She then live bombed me to help her with her drug son and get him into mental health ward. Now she tells me today that I’m a waste of life and I need to get the xyck away. She had previously chested on me about 5 years ago and I told her the only way I would take her back was if she stopped and never did it again. She promised and now she is back at it. And now she says everything is my fault for not marrying her. I tried but she said she needed to get an annulment from ex husband. She also tortured me with telling me that I was the father of a baby. She then aborted it against my wishes. 5 months later. She triangles me constantly with other people and now she is trying another discard
Hesrtbrokennempath
Dear Lars,
This is heartbreaking, and I don’t know how old you are, but 19 years sounds like a significant chunk of anyone’s life. You definitely seem to be able to recognize what she’s doing, but know that you are still under her spell. What do you think you want most, at this point? (I can only imagine, and compare it my own experience…and for me, it was PEACE).
Lisa
My story is very similar and my ex husband has yet to let up. He was able to take everything from me since our divorce was final in 2016, even our 3 boys. I am in desperate need of advice because I am exhausted mentally and I can’t allow my children to continue on believing their mom doesn’t care or love them.
Mia,
I am messaging you privately about your comment above to advise.
Lisa
I feel terrible for people here who have been in long term relationships with narcissists. I hope and prayer for your recovery. I was in a 3 month relationship with a covert female narcissist. I was love bombed so hard at the beginning of the relationship I thought the relationship was providential from God himself. The day before the discard I was told that I was loved, that she wanted to be with me, and that everything was great. The next day, I was discarded because I for some reason was no longer useful. It was some crazy religious reason. I was not spiritual enough or something. I was fully in love with this person. 2 months later I’m still healing. I am not ready to date again yet. Just want to remind folks to be thankful if possible that you are still not in the fantasy and that you can live in the real world and be better.
Michael,
Thanks for your comment, and so sorry that you too have had to experience the same kind of breakup that knocks the wind out of us all. Even though you are still hurting, it sounds like you already realize that life in this reality is indeed far better, even if it’s painful moving forward at first.
Take care,
Lisa
I was able to discard my narc after 7 intense months. He wasn’t ready to seek a new supply though. He still tried to control me and the views of my friends and family towards me. They all blocked him. As much as I don’t believe him, I find everyday that his manipulation still rings through my head. The rock I once was is now a pile of mush … I know that everything he said was a lie. That I am not any of those things but somehow I was blindsided with his tactics and he left me scarred and scared. He passed away 3 months after the breakup in a single car collision. I am left feeling empty not because he is no longer in my life, but because of the pieces of me he took with him. Will I ever recover and maybe even be stronger than I was before him?
Hi Amanda,
This is a devastating loss, especially are you are of course still left with the voice in your head, and no way to resolve it, as he’s gone.
The recovery depends, in my opinion, on the support you getd to deal with this complex trauma, but certainly the fact that you are already reaching out and reflecting on this shows me a person who is strong and capable of healing.
Lisa