The end of a relationship is often difficult, but breaking up with a narcissist is a whole new level of confusion and heartbreak.
Narcissistic relationships generally follow predictable patterns, and the breakup is referred to as the “discard,” the dictionary definition of which is “getting rid of someone or something no longer useful or desirable.”
The difference between a typical breakup and a discard is that during a normal split, both parties are generally sad. The initiator is usually able to recognize that the other person’s feelings are hurt, and will have some sense of guilt.
However, narcissists lack empathy. They are unable to recognize another person’s feelings or needs. During a discard, while you may be at your emotional lowest, they appear to move on without a care in the world, and may exhibit absolute disregard for you, whether you’ve been together for weeks or decades.
One very common behavior that occurs during the discard is a distortion of the truth. Narcissists will make up their own versions of reality regarding the details of the breakup. Why? Mainly, to preserve their ego. Whatever the reason for the relationship’s end, it will always be your fault.
In the world of narcissism, the discard follows a predictable abusive pattern in what many refer to as a “manipulationship.”
Its first stage is idealization, where you were probably placed on a pedestal in order to build trust and remove your boundaries. This “love-bombing” phase pulled you deeper and deeper into the relationship.
Later on, the narcissist realizes that you are an actual human being with flaws, and you don’t fit their perfection fantasy. Or, you start resisting his/her attempts to control you. Either way, thus begins the next phase, “devaluation.”
Devaluation often will involve more intense efforts at manipulation and abuse. In her article, “3 Signs the Narcissist is Preparing to Discard You,“ author Narcwise Maggie claims that during this time, “intentionally exploiting your vulnerabilities and hitting your trigger points is now the primary form of interaction with you.”
Remember that in order to survive narcissists need you to believe their false, constructed reality, and offer your full admiration and attention. If you don’t, their subconscious fear of abandonment may start creeping in. Sensing your exit, and as a defense mechanism, a narcissist may then start going on the hunt for new “supply,” meaning anyone else who can provide a sense of desirability for them.
So what are the warning signs? How will a narcissist act while getting ready to discard you?
According to Narcwise Maggie, look for the following clues:
- Sudden, intense involvement with a “friend” or a “business associate”
- Secrecy surrounding phone, email, and social media accounts
- Changes to routine, including frequent lateness, cancellations and unavailability. This can also include disappearing for days without contact or explanation.
- Overly detailed storytelling
- Your discovery of suspicious objects in the home or car which don’t belong to you or your partner
Also, pay attention to how narcissists may suddenly change appearance, including new clothes, haircuts, and scent. They might even start displaying bizarre new speech patterns, mannerisms, and hobbies. This may occur because they are mirroring the interests of their potential new supply.
Your brain is working so hard to make sense of what’s going on that you may become completely exhausted on many levels. Even knowing the warning signs may not stop a feeling of being completely blindsided. The consequences will be not only psychological, but physical, including anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, isolation, rashes, and stomach problems, just to start.
According to Melanie Tonia Evans, an expert on narcissism, it is important that you protect yourself if you sense that a discard is coming, because a narcissist’s main goal will be to punish you, and he/she will often go after what you value the most in order to do so.
If you have children together, they may launch a major custody battle for spite. They commonly go after money and property as well – anything they feel they can physically take away from you.
Evans recommends that you get out when the narcissist is not around and get hold of whatever belongs to you while you still have access to it. If you plan to leave the house, take whatever belongings you can, as you probably will not be able to get back in.
Finally, if possible, create a bank account in your own name, and speak to a solicitor or lawyer as soon as possible to understand more specifically how you can protect yourself.
Most importantly, do not let anyone who might possibly relay the information back to the narcissist know your plans.
For further resources on personal safety during a discard, or ending a relationship with a toxic partner, we recommend getting in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org, or calling them at 1-800-799-7233.
And if you think you or someone you care about may be in a relationship with a narcissist, take our free Toxic Relationship quiz, which provides more specific examples of domestic abuse and can help you assess your own situation.
106 Responses
I finally got away from my narc. friend. I think i suffered from ptsd. Nobody really understands or believes? when u try to talk about it.
Oh, we certainly believe and definitely understand! Have lived through this!
We are planning in the next week to do a free live “Detox Talk” on topics like this – just trying to figure out which platform to use. Everyone is holed up right now, and needs to talk to people who can relate!
You are not alone. I suffered this from a female work collegue. I was lucky another female work collegue saw how I was treated in the discard stage and supported me. All other male work friends were unsympathetic and thrived on her seeking a new supply seeking attention infront of me and dissing me infront of them…until you have experienced a narc you will never understand…its like a whirlwind in your mind of confusion dismay and ultimate hurt
It’s amazing when there are people who can recognize and help you deal with the craziness while it’s happening, and yes, unless you have experienced it, it is basically impossible to truly understand.
To add to my previous comment. I’ve had months of therapy for anxiety and depression There are days I feel free then there are days where I feel utterly broke and back to square one. I dont think you ever recover, it constantly “haunts” me and find myself ruminating..
I used to be so confident, outgoing and positive. I always were happy and had the half glass full outlook…I believe this is what draw her to me and got emotionally attached…
To this day I’m am the complete opposite, I feel useless worthless, stupid for “fooling for her charms”..I have list all my confidence….time will heal and know it’s a long road but support and understanding from others is paramount
Yes, time will heal, but not without support. I have known a number of people who keep can’t seem to get past the abuse, but also know several who have worked through it, all of whom came out much happier and healthier, and filled with gratitude.
We both were in the same place you were…me in particular with blaming myself for being so stupid…but I definitely got my confidence back. The main reason was being able to talk to people who totally got it, and my own understanding of EXACTLY what I was dealing with (which took a lot of time and research) – it made me a lot more able to detach from the situation, and STOP BLAMING MYSELF.
I completely understand. It’s hard to talk to people about what you’re going through. Barca are charming and believable. My ex narc boyfriend was cheating on me at the job we both work at. It was sudden and random and embarrassing. The emotional scars left are deep.
Stacy,
It must be so difficult still having to see the person at work…
U r so correct , my friends just tell me to get over it while they have no understand of the abusive behavior we have encountered ,
Steve,
Yes, it is usually unfathomable to people who have not experienced it.
Some people will never understand the pain and I pray they never will have to. Stay strong ❤
When i read about the rashes and other problems that can be caused by stress really scared me as Iam 35 yrs old and I’ve been in a r’ship with a covert narcissist for 3 yrs but only just discovered what the word means. I have been binge watching you-tube vids about narcs love bombing stonewalling gaslighting co-dependence etc. The day I discovered that there were actually terms for all this stuff that i had been going through and trying to make sense of in my life was a huge relief to know to know I’m not crazy.The more I learn on the subject makes life easier dealing with him but still Iam trying to break away from him (since the start of this year).Iam exhausted my daughter has moved out of home and I’ve been getting really bad eczema like rashes over my whole body that I’ve never had before. ????
Dear Carla,
Yes, stress – especially relationship stress – can create all kinds of physical reactions, so I am not surprised to hear this!
Lisa
It’s been 2 years for me… he completely discarded me and replaced me after he used me up for all I was worth to him. I spent the last two years moving through depression, suicidal thoughts, etc… I feel happy again. On solid footing but when I go out I’m so terrified of running into him again I physically shake, feel like I’m going to through up, heart rate sores… I have so much anxiety. My friends and others don’t understand. I just want to stop letting him have any power over me.
Melody,
So many people in this community have the same physical reaction as you do, and even though you have moved through a lot of the negative aftermath from that relationship, there are things that the body remembers.
I myself feel completely emotionally detached from the ex, but if I did ever run into him (or see someone who looks like him), even though it’s been years, I have a similar reaction to what you describe. Try to understand that this is not something you can control – maybe try to not think of it has him having “power” over you, but instead realize that this is just one of the consequences of trauma, unfortunately….
Lisa
I understand.. and not many people understand me either. It’s so hard because I didn’t do anything wrong but the uneasy feeling he left me with (uncertainty and sadness) puts a void in my heart. Hope you continue away from the narc. Wish you luck.
I totally got you. Been there over and over. They start treating you badly. The cell phone goes off. They go Awall. The stories don’t make sense. Bizarre. And then you know. They were cheating. Grooming the next one. So. Run. Don’t let them back in. Ultimate betrayal. They will screw your whole life upside down and then take off with the next one. Broken trust. And they themselves caused the whole thing. It’s their game. Right. Lol.
I think it’s hard for people to understand. I had PTSD like symptoms for a while too. Hypervigilance, massive sudden weight loss (20 lbs in a month, and I’m not heavy). Panic attacks, brutal insomnia, it was awful.
Hi Dar,
Yes, these are all really (awful) and common responses to an event like this. Hope you’re getting better,
Lisa
You are not alone hun
I understand. I broke up with mine today for the )I don’t know what number) time. PTSD C-PTSD too. I hate the first few days m. That’s why I always go back. I feel like I’m going through drug withdrawals.
Hi Vicki,
We’ve heard from several professionals that it can feel just like withdrawal, as your brain has been rewired. Luckily, it can rewire again!
Lisa
I understand what you mean the experience is horrible I didn’t even know this kind of people existed. Take really good care of yourself mentally and physically.. Don’t let your health go down because of this person.. put yourself first and think about you, when it happened to me I couldn’t believe what I was seeing what I was experiencing it was unreal.. this person completely change on me they leave you and don’t care about your feelings or emotions, something so scary and evil they will run you over and will keep going like nothing happen..
I was discarded after 31 years of marriage. Hugged her goodbye when I went to work and she left. I received divorce papers a couple of days before Christmas. She hasn’t seen the kids since she left 9 months ago. Joined a charismatic church and thinks she is a prophet and has the gift of healing. I still love her deeply and sad because we lost a wife and mother. Situation is brutal
No one understands it fully… not until it’s done to them & they get well educated. Sorry, it’s been very lonely. I’m going thru same thing.
I am in the middle of my second break up in a year with my narc as you refer to him every symptom he displays from when we got together in the beginning he had to dress me a certain way dye my mustache he would point out all my flaws and belittled me made me feel not as good enough to be with him pretending to be so special and sweet and nice to me it made me want to work on the relationship and stay with him and hoped it would all change and it did but I could never do nothing right never nothing was ever good enough to please him he would point out what was wrong with anything instead of liking it why I was doing or how much I went out of my way to try to do for him that was never recognized anything that I’ve busted him on I mean hardcore proof he will change the subject in a blink of an eye and never recognized that you brought it up and then no guilt in the topic or the subject would get buried and other things it would change the subject and I did so much for him but once I would leave a day later he’s calling me or texting saying he’s with lonely in the sucks and wants me back and needs me a very big emotional rollercoaster so much more that I could say
The “nothing was ever good enough to please him” really hits home for almost all of us…so familiar. It sounds like you are being “hoovered” on a regular basis. We talk about this in our video responding to the survey, which should is on Instagram and our Facebook page, and I think we’re going to do another video on it as well. It’s painful to remember how you must feel right now.
Ive been with Rob for almost 8 yrs and it has been an emotional rolller coaster. My feelings never matter,he never shows any emotion always punishing me like a child and giving me the silent treatment.He ignores everything I try to discuss with him and treats me as an option or like part of the furniture.He doesnt hear me when I speak,beg,cry,or shows absolutely no emotiin.I never get gifts or taken out anywheree or ever respons to my texys or calls. He lies about everything&wont discuss important issues with me. He had an intire family in another State for 2yrs and recently moved me there and Ive been here 2 months and hes trying to put me on the streets. He isolated me for 3 yrs and kept me in fear and tramatized before moving here and he thinks its funny..I finally had the police puck me up and help me cauae i had a nervous break down.Hes now got eyes for another girl that has children and hes threatening and harrassing me to het out and Ifont know what imvgonna do.Hes rude,arrogant,very narcistic,and emotionaness..please help
Misty,
Unfortunately the “emotional roller coaster” and everything you’ve described here is all too common in a toxic relationship. Awful. I’m wondering if you have reached out to your local domestic violence center (by phone) or The Hotline? Would be a great first step, as you are definitely in the midst of chaos…
The past yr in a half it’s been Discard stage. From being beaten, humiliated, choked, suffocated spit at to leaving shit in the toilet, sets me up to fail. Last night he went into rage of guilt and verbally attacked me kicked. Me out in front of his mom and dad. Next day he had this new home nurse he’s been playing grab ass with here, his sister, 2 nieces, and mom here at the house. I was in backroom not able to function. He walks in with flowers in front of everyone HOW FUKN SICK, SWEET
Tobi,
In the midst of all of this, one thing is clear: you are not being fooled anymore with limp attempts at apologizing (that’s what it sounds like)…
I finally left my husband of 30 years in December…
I had been trying to get out for 3 years. However, we were raising our granddaughter who just turned 3 and everytime I acted like I was going to leave, he would threaten to call dhs and tell them b.s. to get her taken from me!!!
That was one leash…
I also had a 2014 car that has been broken down for over a year! He kept putting off getting it fixed!
I now believe that he used that as another leash!
Fast forward to the present… He is only giving me approximately $300/month in spousal support!
I am disabled and unable to work.
He claims that it is 10% of his take home and that he can’t afford more.
That would mean his take home before my 300, is 3,000!!!
Take in mind that we own our property and so he has NO rent or mortgage, he made the last payment on his car in January and hasn’t made a payment on my “yard ornament” in over a year, he just keeps the gate shut so they cannot repo it!!!
How in the world can he NOT AFFORD MORE than $300/month?!?
He keeps begging me to come back home, but doesn’t want me to come there to get more of my personal belongings.
Everything he does just confirms that I should have left him years ago and then I feel stupid for putting up with it
SMH
Kathy,
I totally feel your frustration! First, your statement, “I should have left him years ago” and feeling stupid for staying, is how WE ALL feel! Try not to beat yourself up for this.
Second, the financial nonsense you describe is textbook for people like this. I have been in court for years (since getting divorced) still dealing with an ex-husband’s lying and hiding assets. He refuses to adhere to a divorce agreement where we both share our children’s college educational expenses, and all he does is claim how broke he is. Maddening.
I was completely destroyed, before I got discarded, she had found someone else and all
Under my nose
I’m going through the start of the discard. It came out of nowhere- so unexpected and without reason. He says that I have been “bullying” him by telling him how much he hurts my feelings.
A year ago, I put myself in treatment for alcoholism and left everything in my life to go 1300 miles away into a place where I had and knew nobody. He supported me every day, encouraged and praised me for trying to better my ever so dying life. We talked every day and never went to bed without a “goodnight”.
I came back from treatment and he was the one who awaited my arrival. Eyes filled with tears and he said how much he missed me and I love you so much. Since last July, until around 2 months ago, I was his everything, his world and he would never leave me until death.
We did everything together. EVERYTHING. Texted and called everyday we weren’t together. Then one day, he told me that my texts have nothing to say, so don’t waste his time. I was given certain rules on when I could text, he blocked my phone calls by silent ringtone and yesterday he told me “what makes you “special” compared to my other friends, that I need to talk to you everyday.
As you all know, this is just a piece of sand on the beach of how little he makes me feel.
Oh Alison,
What a devastating experience. This type of trauma is, they say, one of the most painful, because instead of being able to just grieve the loss of someone you loved and trusted, you are instead questioning and blaming yourself. The details you included made me pretty sure that you are experiencing a discard, because nobody else moves on so quickly, without a care about the other person’s feelings. If possible, sign up for this week’s free Detox Talk, and we can discuss more live – you could probably use a lot of emotional support right now.
I am going through a discard too. I am 8 months pregnant. We have never been married and have one child together as well. The day it all happened I had a bit of an anxiety attack at work. He came home super concerned about me and the baby. I asked to see his phone and found him having a friendly text exchange with another woman. I lost it!!!! I left that night but told him to get out.
It is now going on 7 weeks of us being apart. I just don’t understand how he can stop caring about his 5 year old daughter (he sees her every once in a while) and go from being so involved in the pregnancy to not asking how either of us are? I struggle with how this is all my fault, how he is bringing up relationship I had 9 years ago before him. How he can’t apologize for hurting his family. This is so incredibly hard! He is still being very financially responsible for his family though.
Jenny,
I went through something similar, and know exactly what you are talking about. It is indeed shocking that someone who could appear so loving and involved could completely drop off the face of the earth in terms of caring for his children (and you). Glad he is being financially responsible, but that’s the least he could do. Emotional support is what you need, and I imagine you are heartbroken for your daughter as well.
Things do get better, though it’s hard to believe they can. I didn’t think any of it would ever make sense, but it’s now been over five years since that point for me, and life is better than I ever could have imagined. My two kids are also doing very well, even with the “loss” of their father. It did take a lot of work to process, and it is incredibly hard…
We (BTGO) are getting ready to roll out own first course in the next couple of weeks, which involves getting clarity and the strength to get your sanity back, for situations like yours (and mine)…keep an eye on your inbox (if you are signed up to get our newsletters, etc).
Once I understood what was happening, I could start moving forward, and I am sure that when you begin to understand what you have been/are really dealing with regarding that type of personality, you can start moving forward, too. In the meantime, hang in there as best you can.
I have cancer, my boyfriend always showed signs of narcissism. We have been together 4 years. He broke up with me 19 months ago. That day I was diagnosed with breast cancer… he was back immediately. After bilateral mastectomy we went on holiday. I developed septic shock and almost passed away. He was so loving and caring in ICU, cried next to my bed. He supported me the through radiation and chemo. The verbal abuse was better but still not gone. On Monday is my first big checkup after treatment and extensive surgery in January. He said he would go with me. We are in lockdown at the moment, impossible to be with him 24/7. He is also going through a difficult time at the moment, but the verbal abuse became so bad-it is unbearable. He calls me by my surname, I hate it, he knows it but it doesn’t stop. Last week he broke up with me in a very nasty whatsapp that belittled me so much. He never recognizes my support to him. I didn’t phone him for 4 hours and he went ballistic. I blocked him after he yelled at me in a parking lot, using only my surname. I was so ashamed. The next day he sent me a heart over whatsapp. I told him he broke my heart. He sent another one, I blocked him . He is extremely jealous, isolated me from my friends. I always have to tell him where I am. He believes he slept with everyone existing. I am at a very lonely place and I feel bad that I blocked him. What if I hurt his feelings? Couldn’t I have done more? Should I unblock him? I don’t know what to apologise for. I just cannot fight cancer, more surgery in s few days and cope with this situation. Any advice would be appreciated
Oh Maggie,
It sounds like you have crisis on top of crisis on top of crisis…this situation is unimaginable.
One thing you might want to do is first step back and pay attention to what you just wrote – you have a life-threatening illness, which you have to fight on a daily basis, and your partner has been beyond cruel. It sounds like this has been going on for quite some time. Yet you are most concerned about hurting his feelings and asking yourself, “Couldn’t I have done more?”
If you had a friend who told you what you just posted here, what would you say to her? I have a feeling it wouldn’t be, “Yes Maggie, it’s your fault.” What you have described – all of it -shows signs of someone who has been cleverly manipulated and emotionally abused. I’m not sure if you read the other blog I wrote on this topic, or the one on teen dating which covers “intermittent reinforcement,” one of the most powerful forms of manipulation. I think both contain information which might help clarify your situation even more.
We are in the midst of preparing to launch a quick “lifeboat” course – to do over 3 weeks – which will provide live support and information on topics just like this for people in situations like yours in their relationships…still putting together the emails and materials, but keep your eyes peeled, as it may help give you some strength that it is not you who is the problem. In the meantime, try to take care of yourself as best you can,
Lisa
Thank you, i jeeded this article so much! My ex (of 3 weeks) is a narcissist and ended it by suggesting his new housemate moving in join us in his spa. I couldn’t make sense of it until reading this article. I would love to heqr about another cleansing session as im still struggling and wanting to make contact. I feel like somebody has taken over my brain!
Hi Ange,
Glad it was helpful! It is a crazy experience, one I wish I knew about when I myself was experiencing such a horror show.
If you would like to see more content for stuff just like this, I post daily on Instagram which goes to Facebook; you can follow us on Been_There_Got_Out on Instagram, or just Been There Got Out on FB. Also, if you want to subscribe to our list, we can send you information as it comes out, like new blogs – I have to write one this week! – and all of the information for our upcoming membership program and Lifeboat course.
Lisa
I’m 25 and left my behind my life in the uk three years ago to be with my now ex narc bf. After a year he did the whole devalue discard I took it bad. I attempted suicide and due to massive blood loss suffered a stroke. He then just as interested again his voice being the only thing I remember at times. Since then it’s been ongoing scale of blocking/ unblocking the silent treatment veiled threats etc. Then yesterday he left for work and the same message he has for 3 years “ I love you baby” 3 hours later he discarded me. He’s 50 so double my age, I’m numb and hurt supposed to marry him on the 4th
Dear Skye,
Sounds nightmarish. You already seem pretty aware of what’s going on…which shows that you still have some spark in you, despite what you’ve already been dealing with both emotionally and physically. I hope you choose something much better than this…please keep an eye out for our emails in the next couple of weeks,
Lisa
Lisa
I’ve been in an abusive relationship with my Narc husband of 2.5 years. It started getting horrible right around our 2 year anniversary in November 2019. He wouldn’t work… I’m in thousands and thousands of dollars in debt… he just discarded me out of the blue. I should have suspected something when he asked me to marry him after a week. We got married within 28 days! I’m BEYOND devastated and hurt… this is my 3rd abusive relationship… I’m desperately seeking professional help. I’m in the Long Beach, CA area … any suggestions on a good therapist for anxiety and depression?
Dear Sherrell,
Ugh, unfortunately your story is all too familiar. In terms of this being your third abusive relationship, Chris and I at Been There Got Out are actually putting together, as part of our Lifeboat course, a seminar on “How to Stop Repeating the Cycle” as so many people in this community said it was one of their top issues.
If you are subscribed to this list, keep your eye out for emails from us with details in the next couple of weeks, as it could be really helpful, as well as not just a therapist, but an emotionally supportive community to see you through this nightmarish period in life (which, I promise, does get better!).
Lisa
I feel for everyone on here! I’m in the process right now of divorcing my soon to be ex wife. We have only been married for 3 years, but it feels like it’s been a life time. 3 years ago I thought I have met the girl of my dreams. Of course this was only the love bombing phase which I understand today. During the love bombing phase I discovered she was a major alcoholic. Trust me, I saw all the red flags! I went against my better judgement. I guess I got hooked from the love bombing phase. Fast forward here a little. I have been through 3 relapses with her, faced all the emotional abuse, all the lies, cheating, you name it…it’s happened.
I was trying to be supportive, loving, caring to help her through her recovery. I even stopped drinking to support her. Which was not a big deal for me to begin with. I thought all her issues were due to being and an alcoholic. I did a ton of research on addition and mental health, as she had all kinds of mental health issues as well. Little did I know NPD was the big piece. Starting doing tons of research on NPD. That’s when the light bulb went off!!
I’m currently in the discard phase. I think she started sensing I was getting ready to leave and decided to do it first. I do believe she has already found another scouse. I have caught her in a couple of lies since. She doesn’t I know tho. No reason for me to confront her in my opinion.. Unfortunately we are still under the same roof right now. She is trying to buy my half out of the house. Hopefully that happens! If all goes well, I should be out of here by the end of July. It’s like living in a crazy making world since. She acts like it’s just another day.
The one thing I have learned out of this. These people are extremely dangerous! Don’t ever think differently! They will take down the strongest of people. Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you. I thought I was a strong person with strong boundaries. Little did I know, how far I would be tested. I made the huge mistake of giving this person chance after chance. I asked myself…how could I have let this happen to me? I then realized why….I lost my mother about 3 years ago to cancer. It was a big loss for me. I wasn’t emotionally in a good spot. I felt lost, and I seemed to have hung on to this person, which seemed to show great compassion while my mother was still alive. When she passed, that all changed. There I was standing there all by myself.
It’s nice to know one isn’t all alone out there. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories! It does help! We will all get through this. Just remember to love yourself, understand what your self worth is, create strong boundaries. (3 strike rule) 3 times and you out! Be happy with who you are, you don’t need someone else in your life to complete you or your happiness. Don’t focus on the Narc, turn inward to yourself and solve your inter self. And don’t be hard on yourself!
Hi Bill,
Sounds like you have learned A LOT about yourself as well as this relationship so far, and also that you have already started to emotionally distance yourself, which is key, before the actual split. I know many of us can relate to a lot of the details you have experienced, including myself!
And yes, it so does help knowing you’re not alone in the chaos!
Stay strong, and keep in touch – hope all goes well and you are indeed out by the end of July (but if you’ve discovered anything about NPD, it’s that there are lots of unexpected surprises with these people…),
Lisa
Ohh God! I think i just missed a bulet… Just six months into it, and spent the last two months telling myself “i am not crazy, i am not doing nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with me and this is not my fault. ”
What kept me strong was keep telling myself that “ignorance is bliss” but this article basically gave me the closure I needed.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Al,
So glad to hear this!
Lisa
I was raised by a narc, my father. I was a very introverted, shy, caring and giving child… and still am as an adult, so I guess that makes me a prime target. I then dated a narc for 2.5 years which was a major turning point in my life. It was that experience that taught me what narcissism was and explained so much about my childhood. It took me 1.5 yrs to heal from that and be strong again.
After that time I began dating again. About a month in to dating one guy, I saw the red flags. The live-bombing, the wanting to be with me 24/7, not respecting my requests for space, wanting to movie together, talking about serious future plans, and then telling me he loved me within that month. Luckily from my previous experience, I knew instantly what I was dealing with and once I did, everything made sense. By week 7, I told him I was done. By then I was beginning to grey rock and his reaction to that told me everything I needed to make my decision. Of course when I told him this was unhealthy and I could not do this anymore, he said it was all about me lol… classic narcissist.
I was just upset with myself that I had allowed another narc to take advantage of me, my kindness, and my giving nature, but proud of myself for recognizing the signs and only wasting 1.5 months of my time rather than 2.5 years.
Good luck and stay strong to everyone out there who may be suffering. Get out when you can, I promise, life is so much better without a narcissist in it and you are worth so much more!
Dear Stephanie,
I LOVE hearing stories like this. So glad you learned how to recognize exactly what was happening early on, and were able to avoid a major mess.
Big congratulations, and know that with the precious skills you’ve learned, your future relationships should just get even better!
Lisa
I have been in a relationship with my narc girlfriend for over 19 years. I had a heart attack about a year ago because of all the stress she put me under. I also developed an immune problem and got severe anaphylaxis for no apparent reason. Again probably because of all the stress she was putting me under. I had to take a leave of absence from work then luckily got a little disability. She always told me her problems were worse than mine and made fun of me when I was feeling ill or felt angina. Then she brought in a new player when I was not feeling well. She had him write nasty messages to me and send me threatening pictures and texts. He even chased my car.
She then live bombed me to help her with her drug son and get him into mental health ward. Now she tells me today that I’m a waste of life and I need to get the xyck away. She had previously chested on me about 5 years ago and I told her the only way I would take her back was if she stopped and never did it again. She promised and now she is back at it. And now she says everything is my fault for not marrying her. I tried but she said she needed to get an annulment from ex husband. She also tortured me with telling me that I was the father of a baby. She then aborted it against my wishes. 5 months later. She triangles me constantly with other people and now she is trying another discard
Hesrtbrokennempath
Dear Lars,
This is heartbreaking, and I don’t know how old you are, but 19 years sounds like a significant chunk of anyone’s life. You definitely seem to be able to recognize what she’s doing, but know that you are still under her spell. What do you think you want most, at this point? (I can only imagine, and compare it my own experience…and for me, it was PEACE).
Lisa
My story is very similar and my ex husband has yet to let up. He was able to take everything from me since our divorce was final in 2016, even our 3 boys. I am in desperate need of advice because I am exhausted mentally and I can’t allow my children to continue on believing their mom doesn’t care or love them.
Mia,
I am messaging you privately about your comment above to advise.
Lisa
I feel terrible for people here who have been in long term relationships with narcissists. I hope and prayer for your recovery. I was in a 3 month relationship with a covert female narcissist. I was love bombed so hard at the beginning of the relationship I thought the relationship was providential from God himself. The day before the discard I was told that I was loved, that she wanted to be with me, and that everything was great. The next day, I was discarded because I for some reason was no longer useful. It was some crazy religious reason. I was not spiritual enough or something. I was fully in love with this person. 2 months later I’m still healing. I am not ready to date again yet. Just want to remind folks to be thankful if possible that you are still not in the fantasy and that you can live in the real world and be better.
Michael,
Thanks for your comment, and so sorry that you too have had to experience the same kind of breakup that knocks the wind out of us all. Even though you are still hurting, it sounds like you already realize that life in this reality is indeed far better, even if it’s painful moving forward at first.
Take care,
Lisa
I was able to discard my narc after 7 intense months. He wasn’t ready to seek a new supply though. He still tried to control me and the views of my friends and family towards me. They all blocked him. As much as I don’t believe him, I find everyday that his manipulation still rings through my head. The rock I once was is now a pile of mush … I know that everything he said was a lie. That I am not any of those things but somehow I was blindsided with his tactics and he left me scarred and scared. He passed away 3 months after the breakup in a single car collision. I am left feeling empty not because he is no longer in my life, but because of the pieces of me he took with him. Will I ever recover and maybe even be stronger than I was before him?
Hi Amanda,
This is a devastating loss, especially are you are of course still left with the voice in your head, and no way to resolve it, as he’s gone.
The recovery depends, in my opinion, on the support you getd to deal with this complex trauma, but certainly the fact that you are already reaching out and reflecting on this shows me a person who is strong and capable of healing.
Lisa
I absolutely needed to read this today. My narc ex just broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago, out of nowhere. I loved with my whole heart, admitted my faults, checked in with her to see how she was feeling, took care of her dog while she was away, helped her select her new home and decorate it, and we had joint accounts (not bank, thank God) and a trip that I busted my tail to pay for. At the end of the relationship, she put in no effort, had an excuse to not come out to see me and why I should come out there only (long distance relationship), she had financial issues, so I always came through and gave her my card to do groceries. I paid for all of our dates. Sent flowers, thoughtful gifts, little love notes everywhere, cleaned the house when I was there. Her dog has fear aggression, so I hand constructed panels for her windows to help alleviate some of the anxiety. I told her she was beautiful all the time. Went on walks, went to run errands with her, she used my car when hers was in the shop… She gave me empty promises that her home would one day be ours, and that it wasn’t long before I would love there with her. That she saw a future with me. So when she broke up with me, she ultimately put in zero effort, withheld intimacy, and just gave me crumbs. She didn’t have the decency to break up with me in person… she did it on a video conferencing call. The only effort she put in was to discard me. She couldn’t send my stuff fast enough, or my money fast enough. I was left broken and she had no emotions whatsoever. She said let’s be friends, but then her and her best friend simultaneously removed me from their friends list and purposely kept a close friend of mine on. I have been no contact for 1.5 weeks. I feel a freedom but also an emptiness and sadness. Anger towards myself for not seeing this, as I have been through this before with narcs. She just devastated my heart, this was the first time I was 100% adult, real, genuine, and vulnerable with a partner. I was ready for it. No words can describe how much this hurts…
Hi Rose,
I’m so sorry…so many of us here have experienced something similar, and it’s just shocking. I know you can’t help blaming yourself, which makes it even worse. Look up the term “betrayal trauma” to understand a bit more about this topic – nothing can take the pain away, but the more you learn about what this is, and how people like this operate, it might ease the blaming yourself part of it…
Hang in there,
Lisa
I’m in the discard stage after 15 years. 15 years of lying cheating, love triangles, Addiction, and Jail. My partner was in and out of jail for crimes committed to feed his addiction. I have always supported him, was always there for him writing, visiting, $ for his canteen I gave up my friends because I loved him and didn’t want him to think I was cheating. He would get out and I would find secret accounts. He would hit on my friends. He would cheat and disappear. When he was out there was lots of gaslighting. I would specifically put something somewhere and they would be moved, him sayin I don’t listen, when I swear he never said it.
I could never do anything right, if I liked something he was always the opposite. If I had a problem with anyone or opinion he would alway choose the other side. Yes 15 years of this. Jail get out abandon us use drugs and cheat.
I waited six months this time.. by the way we have a 12 year old son that he completely neglects. Any way he got our names tattooed on him and said when he was getting out he didn’t want to do drugs and wanted to build a life. Not even one month he has only been here 5 days Is staying in a trap house and wanted by the police. He cheated on me in this trap house and even got the girls name tattooed on him. He did the tattoo the day he got arrested. He is calling me and her. I am being discarded because I won’t support him this time I’ve had enough. I told him if we weren’t good enough for him when he was out then we won’t be there for him when he is in jail. I also hung up on him and wouldn’t help him with his legal questions. He knew I was not supporting him if he went back to jail so he latched on to the other girl, and got the tattoo so he would have someone to do his time with… disgusting 15 yrs and we’re still trash.
I am seeking counseling from this as I have defiantly been in a trauma bond relationship… I still love him and want him back… what is wrong with me???
Hi Niffum,
I hear that you are blaming yourself, as many people in these situations do, and I’m also glad to hear that you are seeking counseling.
What might help you understand why you feel such conflicting emotions is something called “cognitive dissonance.” We also have a workshop on this topic (and interview with expert Tracy Malone) on why it’s actually SO MUCH HARDER to leave an unhealthy relationship versus a healthy one.
Being involved in relationships like what you’re describing actually affect our brains, and it’s not simple to just turn off all the feelings after 15 years of conditioning, because sometimes you actually feel something like addiction to the other person, even with all the bad things they’ve done.
I think that moving forward begins with understanding exactly what’s going on, and it’s great that you have already taken some first steps. It’s going to be hard, but many people have made it through, and end up in really healthy and happy relationships…don’t lose hope, and try not to beat yourself up over something that you might have less control than you think over…
Lisa
This is a very bizarre post but I believe I am the very bad person in this situation.
I married an amazing man who has done nothing but love and support me. We have been together for 9 years and been married for 4.
Recently I realised I didn’t get what I needed so I started the discard phase, by being abusive so he would leave me, then I left him came back, I’ve faked a future again had a good time with him and then randomly asked for a divorce. I am acting like things are normal Again abs promised I wouldn’t leave. He is also at his weakest point right now with family situations and finance. I have completely lost interest and care towards him and he can see it. I see him broken.
Please give me some advice.
Sarah
This is so heartbreaking for him to hear that I don’t love him all the time. I’m in the situation where I don’t know what to do. I would like to love him abs be normal and be a good person but I seem to go in circles.
Hi Sarah,
It sounds like you are conflicted with the situation, and I don’t have enough information to possibly give advice; sorry.
Hopefully you can reflect and decide what you’re looking for with or without this man, and can both start moving forward.
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for getting back to me.
I haven’t ever loved him, I feel like I got married for my own personal gain. I think
Scared if I leave then what people would say, I know the right thing to do is leave as he deserves a woman that love and respects him but I can’t seem to say this to him as it’s so hurtful.
I am a wicked person and he doesn’t realise this yet
I have ruined his life but I keep going back and pretending to love and care and then go back on my word again.
Please help me, this isn’t right or fair on him.
Hey, Sarah. It’s Chris, the male half of BTGO. From what you describe, it sounds like what you are looking for is outside the scope of our services.
Hello, my name is Marc Sommers, this is the first I posted to a board as silly as this sounds. I have reasearched narcissism and thought about my former (2 months ago) relationship until my head begins to spin. In the end I am one of those people trying to figure out what happened. My girlfriend was someone I had known a long time – 17 years. We started dating and it was great, it didn’t feel like love bombing to me, its likely I was love bombing her. The problem started with my female roommate and then moved to my female friends. She went through my phone when I was asleep. We had three fights about my female friends and her jealousy that resulted in two or three day cooling off periods. I was completely faithful. I would have to come back to her but she apologized. I didn’t talk about her feelings as much as I should have with her because I was relieved that the fight was over. At the end she overlapped me. She sent me a break up text that was really nice, said it didn’t seem our relationship was working out and we should be “mature” and be friends. After that she got cold. She made an appointment for me to get my stuff which she broke. Her excuse was a lie and I assume she was with her new guy. I did not handle that with grace. After that I went no contact and except for a series of four consective butt dial calls several weeks ago and a drive by of my house last night, I have not heard from her. Based on my internet research, other things that seem relevant is she was irresponsible in her personal business although she never asked me for money. She has lost friends and her sister over money issues related to drugs. Aside from the three fights and being dumped, I can not think of any form of “devaluing” I experienced. At this point in her life she is a loving mom and grandmother, really. She completely lied to me but it does not appear until the overlap she cheated on me (as reported to me by those that are close to her). I was also told that she was really into me until she wasn’t and I’m pretty sure I know when it changed, and while I don’t blame myself if I had done something different it wouldn’t have ended, at least not when it did. I cared for her so much and I wanted something long term with her and I thought she wanted that too. I am crushed. I have the fantasy of winning her back, but not today. All my therapist will do is talk about antisocial personality disorder because of the drugs. Any feedback on my situation you can offer is appreciated. Thank you
Hi Marc,
Sorry that you have experienced what sounds like a lot of confusion and grief in the relationship.We are not clinicians and focus more on helping victims of abuse, rather than figuring out specific personality disorders, because we feel the energy is best spent on helping a survivor begin to turn all that energy into getting better, rather than keeping the focus on an abusive person.
Lisa
this was my second serious discard. The last one he started hovering me after 6 weeks. I blocked dodged and avoided him for 8 months. I was over it after about a month. This one was more brutal like they say but he made contact faster, put birthday stuff on my car when I didn’t answer door. (I in’t hear him) then when all I did was email thank you so he count come and say oh didn’t you get your presents?
I left the state for three weeks and had a fabulous time with friends. He apparently emailed me 6 times with multiple entires and attachments of love songs. I wasn’t on my computer so I didn’t see them for days. Finally he sent another one that said are you here, where are you. I wrote back. In California having a blasé.
He made a little reply and then sent another song. I said, thank you . bye. Now Im home, I live 100 yards from him. We were together 8 year. . Im done this time. My family hates him, his family is all sickos and manipulative triaging enmeshed weirdos. Im done. YAY for me 71 is the new “free at last:, getting tested for STIs and moving on.
Dear Annie,
“71 is the new ‘free at least'” – GO, YOU!!!!
Big congrats on getting through all of this,
Lisa
I sometimes have a hard time thinking that my relationship was toxic. I blamed myself about the whole breakup situation. Everything in this article relays back to some way with how I felt in the end. I still love my partner and sometimes I don’t realize what went on, the confusion and closure was nonsense. I was left to be alone and fend for myself I guess. When you realize that things are changing during the discard, I believe that is the exact time you develop PTSD and trauma bond. I remember the exact last things my ex -partner said in the relationship. “You’re being to sensitive, we don’t need to talk every single day, You need your time and I need mine. I don’t want to feel like I’m obligated.” Sounds like typical breakup stuff, however, it’s how it was said; I asked why and if we could work things out, All I got in return was a cold shoulder and less information. To think, all this started when I started asking questions, she ended up moving quickly.
PDM,
Yes, one of the most shocking parts is realizing that they faked truly caring for and loving you the whole time. It’s really what you did for them. Hard to process for sure.
Lisa
I am been in a relationship with a narc for 6 years and finally had the courage to leave , I can’t believe I found this page and how I can relate to so many people , it’s so frustrating because I would try to explain myself and no one understood npd , until you go through it u don’t understand , our relationship began so amazing , a year of happy moments smiles Food family u name it , as time got us comfortable , the truth began to unravel, let’s just say the name calling the harshness the evil the bitter the ugly all bursted out loud and this was only after finding out he had been cheating on me
, I decided to cry it out and keep my distance but he always managed to find a way to find me , I didn’t understand how someone could make u feel so amazing could just up and disregard u like that , so I took time to heal we didn’t speak for up to a year , all while I remained keeping the silent treatment and he would make random accounts to reach out to me the blocked numbers began pouring in , and bam I was back hooked like a big dumb dumb, At first he was very apologetic and trying to be there for me in every single way possible because he knew he messed up , however that was just part of his vicious plan , once I was back we had about a month of the love and affection and then began the criticism, you have a big head , you are so short , I love you but u need to do better , my life is messy because of you how will you fix my problems and if u don’t you are going to be living through hell . It was such a manipulative game to him . As soon as I would give in and feel sorry for him (which is ridiculous considering I have been doing all the accommodations and understanding ) he would always enjoy the name calling the constant put down but then wanted to be praised for the way he was ignoring and his accomplishments, but I was seen as lazy and needed to work harder , I didn’t understand any of this , I’m like Okayy you have me we are happy we are living , u cheat , u disreguard me , your unhappy elsewhere and u begin flooding back , your lack of supply needs a re up , your not finished with me just yet , u need validation that u aren’t crazy and that I will be there through thick and thin even if it got as ugly as it did , and then the live and affection would come again , this is why my emotional state hasn’t been great , it’s been such a mind fuck game that really just ate me from the inside out , so I go back and eveything begins to feel the same again I would begin calling names back because I didn’t like some things he would say but he loved that he wanted me to get upset and call him things back he enjoyed it , he is such an outgoing person who is in constant need of affection from me or family he doesn’t like to be alone , after his supply is no longer needed he needs to rest time , he will move on quicker then u can finish reading this sentence , he has been a manipulative person to the max wanting to control my every move , I was trapped under his spell , he knew exactly what he was doing , I got pregnant in feb 2021 and had my baby October 2021 , he was there for the birth of our son and had been acting and changing his ways , however all along I have been caring for our son he hasn’t helped much at all I didn’t pay much attention , he always had tendencies to drink and get so drunk and then not want it for awhile I just thought alcohol would be something he would put in his past as soon as the baby came and he would want to get better , but unfortunately he doesn’t see his problems as problems , and he would swim in a pool full of beer if he could just for fun , he is a reckless alcoholic, very rageful and verbally mentally and physically abusive , he never takes accountability for any of his actions and if he does it’s just a excuse to ignore his intense behavior , he would always find a reason to justify his actions on indulging in drinking so much or what I found out more recently doing cocaine as well , this just didn’t set well with my stomach . I knew all along what I was facing but I never understood it , he is a victim of childhood neglect , never having his mother she’s lost in her own drugs , having a half ass father that is there but self indulges in his own drugs now as well , he had an evil step mother who would strip his sanity from him at a young age until he was an adult he hated his situation he was put in situations so young that were tramautizing, his narsisstic parent was his step mother and all of those traits he Carrys with him in his adult life , he has never been able to hold down a job longer then three months because oh I didn’t feel like going today ( because he was drunk night before) excuse after excuse , and even after all this me trying to be a new mother and hold down the fort and paying for things while he is figuring out his next job move , I never knew he was capable of disregarding his own son , me on the other hand I knew could very well happen I was prepared for the worst because I was already living though hell I knew that the only way out was him leaving me , I was so far gone into this relationship I lost my sanity , my passions, sleepless nights , painful memories , eveything my whole world just felt helpless and empty , my son is my eveything and I knew i couldn’t raise him correctly in this environment, that’s the thing is , he was such an amazing manipulator he knew what to say when to say how to say it would act a whole brand new and always ‘ fix it ‘. He was never fixing anything he wanted to trap me back to use me more and disreguarded us once I confronted him with a photo of him doing cocaine while working out of town the week prior ,
I couldn’t believe my eyes but It was also the most powerful moment of my life , God gave me strength to walk away , I realized that love shouldn’t be this painful , it shouldn’t end this ugly eveytime this isn’t normal , as I did research this was the red dot right in the center , the reason for everything I had been going through , unfortunately he is someone who is so far gone he will lose himself one day . He hasn’t reached out to se this son and the day I got all our stuff out he was very emotionless , having npd on top of drug and alcoholic issues are nothing but problem after problem after problem , he doesn’t see his actions as wrongful , I had a hard pregnancy trying to survive through this and going through my own mental state it was so hard , but my baby gave me so much strength , his life made me realize my own worth and realize that this isn’t a happy life if I continue down this path , I need a better life for my baby , u have left and never loooked back , my narssist had no power over me , He has moved on so quickly already disregarded us within two days hasn’t contacted what so ever and we are stress free , I am thinking of it like he had passed I know that sounds terrible but it helps to know you did eveything u could and u can’t help someone with this delusional mindset , they will always think they are right and they will always disreguard anyones feelings because they don’t have any themselves , they are amazing at acting a part , I’m very thankful I made it pout of my situation and I hope sharing mine reaches someone someday , I know reading eveyone else’s really helped me, it’s such a game changer knowing it isn’t you you aren’t crazy people do understand 🙏 and it time eveything will heal , the pain will pass
Hey, Hoping things have gotten better for you. I felt like I was reading one of my posts reading this.., it’s shocking, they turn out to be what they claimed to be the victim of.. everything flip flops they change the past twist everything into something ugly. It’s still haunting and it’s been almost a year and a half…. I kinda gave up on online groups and message boards , after awhile it just seems like trying to live again would be better.. and I say that.. but here I am on medical leave trying to decide my next move. I didn’t have the luxury of a trust fund and a free life like my ex.. I was finally where I wanted to be happy with myself making more money than I thought I ever would… but she wasn’t after money or in need of anything.. she had a severe eating disorder and was just my sweet neighbor girl for years. I know they’re just broken and rather than face their trauma they try to pass it on, but I wish I didn’t. I never felt that close to anyone, I used to get sad about all the what if that had to happen for us to get together… now I wish she never invited me out. I feel so setup and used and we lived together through Covid all that weirdness… she wanted me to quit my job cried for weeks when I had to go back to work and it was all lies.. she was already making plans to make me her new igixtim story. It makes my skin crawl when I think about tucking her in with stupid ass stuffed animals, her being extra loving wanting videos and stuff in bed the night and days before she ghosting, I never saw her again, never talked outside of email and text and she strung me along for 2 months… before it was my fault, and she was willing yo give me a chance, it was all bs, she took back everything she ever said, I went from the most supportive source of joy and strength she ever had to her worst enemy over night. It’s been so hard accepting how little I meant to a person I felt was closer than my own family, her whole life and personality was about healing and being open about mental health and abuse, It’s just bait, she’s a spider and although it’s a severe personality disorder it’s hard to feel any sympathy for people who maliciously destroy your life and pretend to nurture the hurt parts inside you like you do them only to have it all used against you… it’s the cruelest most fed up thing I’ve ever been through. People don’t even believe it our whole place was Katie and Tom forever home is wherever I’m with you quotes… I saw the red flags but I never imagined all this, she made my actual nightmares come true and I thought she was an Angel grrr
Hi Tom,
Wow. You can’t imagine how many people will relate to your experience, and thanks for writing about it. So sorry this has happened/is happening, and hope you realize that others who share your experience might be able to provide clarity on such a crazy, awful thing.
Lisa
Thank you for this information. My soon to be ex wife, still controls me to this day. She gets closer when I need to move her snow, fix her furnace, but a phone or tires for her vehicle. I’ve installed a TP holder in her bathroom, replaced and fixed locks on doors. Then, she hits me with this absolute rage, out of nowhere. It’s like a switch gets flipped and her eyes seem to go dark. The anger is the same I’ve seen when she’s beaten me, the day she left she threw her glass of alcohol to my feet, cutting my big toe. When I looked at all the blood coming from the cut, I was hit 4 times. Out of pure reaction and being cornered, I gave her a back slap to the cheek. In horror of what I had just done, I moved to the counter where she punched the back of my head and grace when she’d pull my hair back and out to get that clean shot. 30, 40, 50 ,60 times. I don’t know. She bragged in the bar that she hit me until her arms wouldn’t raise any longer. I would let her punch me to death before ever striking a woman. She knew this she took the kids and left. 30 days of silent treatment while I wrote meant letters that were sealing my fate. A restraining order, made up with lies and more lies. I beat this, but 30 days went by. I didn’t get to see my son until he turned 2, 5 months later. The memory of his 2nd Christmas was him naked next to her tree. I cried for days. She had died her hair and changed her look before she left. A blonde now. She treated me like a king the first 6 months. She would blame her mistakes on me and made me suffer weeks without them here. I’d beg her back to her liking. The only way I was finally able to see my son was through total submission. She won’t even follow state law on intri.m visitation.. she knows how to trigger me, alot of going to complete silence. Even though I was beaten, she claims I hit her and gets a free house, heat, electric and 2000 in food a month. In court her abuse shelter support people look at me like I’m a devil. I struggle even today with the thought of running a bullet through my brain. I’m a TBI survivor and have a seizure disorder, she’s induced them after punches to the head. I miss my family. I miss my wife and my life before she turned. I hate myself for not taking the abuse to keep us together. I ended up hating everything. Every single day I pray for God to take me. I just want all of this to end. I’m tired. I’m beaten. I’m broken and confused. What did I do,? Why? Who am I now? I hope I figure it out soon.
Hi Mark,
This story is heartbreaking..and this is something that does takes a while to figure out. Have you been in touch with a domestic abuse center yourself to get some help? Men are absolutely victims, too…
Lisa
I was discarded yesterday afternoon. After 5 years of being married. Without a single warning. No arguing, no fighting nothing. Just came home from work, packed up and left
Dear Jennuine,
That’s awful. Hope you are able to get some support asap. If not, you can always call the Hotline 800-799-7233 for help. Hang in there.
Lisa
If it’s so formlamatic why can’t they see what they’re doing? Mine knew a lot of psychology, she has to know somewhere inside how twisted the things she’s done are… right?
Hi Katie,
Most of them don’t think they’re doing anything wrong…
Lisa
I’m not hurt, but I am in a RAGE about my (thankfully) short-lived relationship with a malignant narcissist. Every single thing he did was so PREDICTABLE. Especially the smear campaign on social media after I said no more. It’s actually laughable just how on target he was with every single phase. His begging and pleading and protestations of love will remain amusing. I will forever be SHOCKED by his lack of internal insight and the utter lack of honesty and integrity. Not a whiff of that stuff in him. I’m so damn proud of myself this took me but four short months to realize what was going on and removing myself wholly from the relationship. He’s mad af and I don’t care a whit. He was definitely someone deathly afraid of being alone, EVER, and his issues around control were too much for me to bear. Bbye now. Take me out of the oven and stick a fork in me. I’m done.
Erica,
Glad you were able to get out so quickly!
Lisa
45+ yr female, and I also straight female started ok , then suddenly,
she was “praising” me, i got GIFTS every single time, I saw her? but SHE IGNORED christmas
and my birthday? did not even “check in when I was in accident?”. She also ,started “gossip” and revealing, her
motives to “get her dead HB money” 2 days after he DIED SUDDENLY. *?? She did not cry
when her mom died, and said ” who gives F*** she USED her dad, gambled his cash , and discarded
him. after he “destroyed her with texts about her “being wrong. which is CORRECT.
we dont fiight. we don’t even argue. be careful. silent killer she even joked ” i did not kill my HB with pills
who says this??? HOLY SHEET????
“
I have been discarded by the man that I thought was the love of my life, right at a time when I had just gotten my alcoholic, verbally abusive, live in mother sober, and my drug abusing daughter who is living with me was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and metastasized to stage 4 in her brain.
I was just going back to work after carpal tunnel surgery and I couldn’t mentally get back into my work. I retired early to take care of my daughter, and he discarded me exactly how this article says. I am devastated, he beat me up in the almost sound proof music room and turned everything that he did to me back on me. Telling everyone that I did it to him. I was to ashamed to talk about it and No one has come to ask after my well being. I am not adulting very well these days, I am depressed and suffering PTSD. I have trust in no one. My finances are drowning me, he is suing me for divorce and trying to get close to 90,000 from my house and unpaid bills. We were only married 3 years and living in California even doesn’t qualify for a piece of my life purchased before we were married. I need therapy and bankruptcy lawyer, divorce lawyer?
Hi Dana,
Sorry for the delayed response – we were away last week, and then had an emergency. Feel free to get in touch for a free discovery call to see if and how we can help! On the homepage of BeenThereGotOut.com is a red button to schedule one. This situation is completely overwhelming…
Lisa
I guess there are different ways a narc is doing these 3 phases: idealization , devaluation and final discard.. it all depends on the value of his supply. But what is important is that nowadays we can read and learn online from others experiences and we ( as narc survivors) we are getting better!
Thank you for sharing this post with us…”narc survivors”
Please help me… I have a 2 year old son with another women and a baby on the way with my current girlfriend. I try to communicate with her about issues, only for her to look down, not make eye contact and ignore my thoughts and feelings, only for he to text them against me later on. Is this normal?? I want human conversation not texts blame by me for the very ideals that I brought to her attention about my issues with her…. I do tend yell and have pro actively worked on it but regardless of wether I’m talking calmly or yelling I get the same response
Hi Branden,
This sounds like a communication issue…we tend to focus more on coaching regarding getting and staying out of high-conflict relationships, as well as strategic communication. If you think this might be helpful, please schedule a free discovery call – you can just click the red button on the main page.
Lisa
Good Morning Everyone, It is so nice to feel I am not alone on dealing with a narc. I am currently in a separation with my narc wife and I honestly don’t know what is worse the actually living with that fake representative she has had me to believe this past 8 years or all the drama she is putting me through now. She has cheated on me multiple times and never gave an honest answer on what happened with each occurrence but only to say I made a mistake and expected me to live with that statement and have closure and forget and forgive. I have spent many times trying to explain to her that I cant forgive and forget when I don’t have the closure and truth behind what actually happened. She is currently working on her next supply and still trying to keep our relationship going after I have told her that I will not let her use me or take advantage of me any more.
Hi Scott,
You are most definitely not alone – good luck moving onward and upward, and get in touch if you need help through the court process…
Lisa
I knew nothing regarding narcisism absolutely nothing married to one for 16 years together for 23 its shocking to now realise after research to find out about the discard it totally destroys your self esteem & they move on like nothings happened how you can treat someone you truly believed was the love of your life its devastating.
I resonate so deeply with the topic of this blog post. Narcissistic Heartbreak Recovery is a journey that’s often misunderstood by those who haven’t experienced it. It takes immense courage to rebuild our self-empowerment and self-worth from the ground up. Your words truly capture the essence of this process and provide a guiding light for those of us who are on a similar path. Thank you for sharing your insights and personal experiences – they make us feel less alone and more empowered.
Now I have read all of this I’m not as dumbfounded a wondering wat I did to deserve such hate. I was with a girl for almost three yrs an I gotta tell u she was everything to me i loved her way more than myself an would have done anything for her, and even coped to a weed pipe charge so she would get charged with it. Now I really understand. Basically the whole time we where together we were under substance abuse, I tried many times to get her to realize that we needed to stop an it was always a fight. Finally I had us move to my aunts so we could get our life together, but after we were there for alil while she became bitter an argumentative an spending time how she wanted to spend it was that mattered telling me drinking a six pack once every Friday was a problem. She ended up pregnant a that’s when her mom told her she was welcome back into there house, an the first confrontation she got it she used to leave me an blames me for ruining us, not being able to see her daughter (she was givin opportunities). She led me on to believe she was still in love with me an was gonna come home untill July after that I found out she had bin talkin to another male. I flipped out an msged dude to asked to ask what is intentions were an she flipped out on me saying that was the last straw… she blocked me on everything changed her number an is telling me I will never meet my son. An after all that I’m still feeling her lose like my best friend in the whole world had died. I gave up everything for her like I have a 7 yr old daughter an a baby mom that still has lots of love for me but the ship has sailed bc she met someone an my dreams of having my own family with the one I love dyed when my narc left me an she’s trying to convince me that I’m the narc. Getting through this was very hard especially with no professional help an just when the think I’m ok, i shed some more tears. It took six months to start accepting that things are how they are an it’s time to move forward just wish I didn’t have to do it without her. As for ur rash thing that I read, I’ve had this small pimple like wound on my side she left. I don’t kno if I’ve had my last anxiety attack I really pray I did. It should have since the crying fits have stopped. I still can’t sleep alone In in my own bed tho, so I sleep on the couch. Whoever reads this thank u so much for taking the time to do so, bc honestly it helped alil bit more to have typed this out, I hope all of your situation get better an if ur having trouble try giving it to god, it’s alil hard but I’ve learned an it helped
So glad I’m not alone in this. Unfortunately to say that part. 4 years with a narcissist. I wish I had stayed away after the first discard. I had been in denial when he came back after silence about 3 months, thought oh maybe he changed after time apart. I was so wrong. It was even worse second round. Found out he had brought women to my home. Now i’m the one discarded. We had so many arguments where one of was saying we’re done, and some of those times he’d leave for a day or two or pack and sit in his car. This time hes gone and I feel heartbroken it may be the final time. I gave him everything he wanted and became a shell of a person. Even though he left months ago i still allowed him to come out, he’d reach out if he didnt hear from me, kept sending money and even looked up vacations for my birthday.. yet was always insisting we’d never get back together. What a fool I feel like. Its been two months, since our last talk he told me to move on and we havent spoken since. The holidays are coming and for the last 4 years we spent each one together, although he ruined every single one, I cant help but wonder if he will be reaching out “hoover attempt” when it gets closer.
My narc friend has left me so much pain. It’s been almost 2 months now, and I cry everyday since. I can’t stop it. She has no heart. Doesn’t seem to care about the damage she’s done to me. Discarded and ghosted. I may need therapy. Some days fault myself for overlooking the many flags.
I was discarded after 31 years of marriage. Hugged her goodbye when I went to work and she left. I received divorce papers a couple of days before Christmas. She hasn’t seen the kids since she left 9 months ago. Joined a charismatic church and thinks she is a prophet and has the gift of healing. I still love her deeply and sad because we lost a wife and mother. Situation is brutal
Jim,
Brutal is an understatement, I’m sure. Hope you and especially the kids are getting some support…
I had dated a woman that wanted to get married after 3 months of dating. And we both had bad marriages before. My ex wife was a narcissist and waited 5 years to start dating so we started dating and I never told her to move in well she did. And I told her that 3 months of knowing each other is too soon to get married and I told her maybe a year. Well after that she kept on saying I was cheating on her with the neighbor. And she wouldn’t believe me. And I told her that she couldn’t stay the night when I had my son because that’s what was on my divorce papers. And she told me that she has been living with me for 6 months and for the next 6 months trying to convince her I was not cheating almost losing my son in the process of trying to prove I didn’t cheat. So one day she came home and tells me that the person that she thought I was cheating with was stalking her. So I told her to pack her stuff and she had to go. I loved her so much that you can’t be in a relationship that someone falsely accused you of cheating. Well she really thought that we were going to get back together. And I told her until she believed me. And she tells me that she is single and I waisted her time. And that really hurt me bad because all I wanted her to do is believe me. Why would someone say after a year of dating that I waisted her time
How do I share my horrible tragic story of abuse? My narc relationship made me leave the actual man and soulmate that I loved, for the narcissist instead, made me leave my amazing home, made me leave my beloved job, then got me fired at my job, made me leave my supper systems, and my entire life behind. For a total loser! It doesn’t make any sense! I have more horrible details that I will include in my story! I want to figure out how this tragedy happen to me when I’m in a totally diff culture and social class than my abuser and had no business dating him!
Hi, reading all of your posts is helping me, althougth having been totally discarded without a care in the world is crushing, truly crushing. We were engaged and together for 2 1/2 years, not long some may say but long enough for this monster to destroy my self worth..discarded on 1/1/24 so early days.
Each day is easier but it’s damn hard…..is there anyone I can talk to to help me through each day ?….not keen on therapists, just a human being who has experienced this.
Thanks Rob x
I’m trying no contact for the 15th time from an online narcissistic friendship. I feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know up from down. I don’t know how I let a married man use and discard me. How did I let him go against everything I believed in and I’m disgusted by my actions.
I have days where I think I’ll be OK but mostly I am depressed, anxious and suicidal. I feel like my heart is breaking and the other half still can’t believe how I ever let this happened.
I can’t heal because I can’t fully tell a therapist about my actions because it makes me physically ill. I went against my religious upbringing, my morals, my integrity…everything.
I can’t sleep or eat and he just goes on. He’s got his presence on most social media platforms and is highly regarded. He represents himself to be a kind loving husband and father. I look at it and I want to vomit. He says how much he loves his wife and I want to vomit.
I don’t think I can forgive myself and I’m worried that I’m not bouncing back. I actually feel heartbroken and I miss him. The fact I miss him makes me feel like a piece of sh*t. My heart hurts in my chest and I just the pain to go away.
How did this happen after only 16 months of knowing him. I feel lost, broken and worthless. I don’t know if I can move on.
S
Dear Samantha,
What you’re expressing is SO familiar, and very sorry that you too are experiencing it. 16 months is quite a while to get attached to someone, and know that your brain chemistry has changed – that’s why it’s also so hard to let go. People in unhealthy relationships still experience grief, and you are in the grieving process. Check out one of our interviews with grief therapist, Jessica Anne Pressler (it’s on our podcast and YouTube channels) where she talks about the various types of grief – you can also contact her directly, as she is very familiar with situations like this (she went through one herself). Just know that with the right help, you’re going to get better, but it’s a hard road…hang in there…
Lisa
Hi S.
I know exactly how you feel.
It is 7 weeks after my last contact, after the moment I was left like piece of rubbish when I tried to stood up and I tried to stop using disrespect towards me.
As you wrote, I also felt sick thinking about how far I let this person go… I hated myself, I blamed myself, I couldn’t accept the fact this happened to me.
But I had to….
When all this started, my marriage was almost finished but he didn’t know it first, for him I was a ‘prize’. When he realized that I would be” ‘free’ again’ all confusion started: one day he missed me, second it was only 2 days to miss me, another day he wondered if my child would like him if we were together everyday. we went for weekend away, the following day he needed space etc etc etc. I was vulnerable so I was a very easy target to him.
True is he hated when I was happy, One week I have gone abroad for 4 days to visit my family and when I went back happy and full of emotions he crashed it within 5 mins with irritation and provocations. In the end I get up, headed home (he was shocked) and was called: ‘stop being a bitch…’
I come from the background where people do not talk like that so I left. 3 days silence treatment, after that I wrote he would preferred to be single, that I was willing to leave him so easily bla bla bla (he put blame on me). I was trying to make conversation but he would called himself honest and adult…haha… he didn’t have courage to pick up phone. After my 50 text messages, his replies didin’t have any sense, they showed me how really disturbed person he is, it was almost like dealing with 4 years old boy with tantrum. I stopped texting, removed all his details, messages etc. The problem which I have to deal on daily basis is that he lives occasionally (few days at the week) at his dad’s opposite me so I have already seen his 2 ‘girls’ already, one stayed 2 days and 2 nights, He did everything I could see and hear them.
I am grateful for all advice, books, forums about narcissists but I wish to know better few months ago.
I was such a funny, smart, strong, full of life person, my soon ex husband is still millions time better than this person. He used/sucked all goods things from me and when he couldn’t have more power over me he discarded me. And as I can see, there is a new list of girls willing to give him a lot.
I am lucky as I had a support of my best friend but I realised I had to stop this shi…
So I said to myself: stop thinking about him as about some kind of a good person, he is everything but a good man, he is small, pathetic human being using others for his ego and nothing about him was real.
You are going trough chemical withdrawal in your brain, let yourself cry or being sad but for a short moment. Like during diet, during lower day, during having a migraine.
I never believed in writing things but I have a big list of every single point which make me furious. This helps. Not image of his skin or kiss but the image of ‘this is on you’ ‘I never asked about it’ ‘So what?’ ‘You are on different page’
I need to deal with seeing him every day and seeing him with different girl or the same one every week is not nice but I have to remain strong. He does it on purpose.
I know I will never contact him again, never talk to him again, never look at him again directly but what I also know, I will never ever miss the smallest red flag in a future.
You will forgive yourself as soon you realise nothing was real, nothing was as you imagine. They are scammers. They are cheaters and liars. They are manipulators. This is not your fault and it never was.
This is very sad dealing with narcissists: not a lot of things is said around about it: this subject should be at school, there should be TV programmes, they should be punished. If this is not illness (some dr say you can’t treat it ) but you leave people depressed, ill, broken using manipulation and lies to fulfil their egos, shouldn’t be there a form of punishment too?
I know you can’t eat or sleep but I could not sleep and eat being with him so let’s start eating and sleeping?
Cry for an hour, then go for a walk, eat small chocolate and cry again, and then call someone, buy new t-shirt (I cried in the shops) but leave house. Even you feel sick, even this is last thing you want to do. Email me or anyone if you feel like. I started pilates, I run, I play tennis, I am smart, I start smiling again.
In few weeks or months we will be happy again.
They will never be happy, do not believe with what you see…happy person doesn’t need to break someone’s heart, not in this way. My previous relationships ended but even 20 years old boy had more tact, respect (he was present first of all:) during break up. Discard is not break up, this is something difficult to understand for people who are ‘normal’. They are evil.
Please block him, do not look at his photos, think of him as he never existed.
He is 1 of 7 billions of people in this world and reading your post you seem wonderful and full of love person. You will find this special person who appreciates you. Who respects you, for whom you are priority. We will all do.
M