Forensic psychologist Dr. Liz Stilwell on what a custody evaluation really involves, how it differs from a guardian ad litem, and how a good evaluator weighs the hardest allegations.
If a custody evaluation has been ordered in your case, or someone has requested one, you're probably trying to figure out what it actually is and who this stranger analyzing your family will be. A custody evaluation is a comprehensive assessment, usually conducted by a psychologist with forensic training, that gives the court an objective, best-interest recommendation about a child's custody arrangement. Unlike an attorney or a guardian, the evaluator isn't representing anyone; they're assessing the whole family and reporting what they find to the judge.
To walk through how it really works, we talked with Dr. Liz Stilwell, a psychologist licensed in New York and New Jersey who specializes in forensic evaluations for family court. She has over a decade of clinical experience with children and families, testifies as an expert witness, and consults for child-protection agencies, law guardians, and public defenders alongside her clinical practice. She's also a colleague of Dr. Mark Singer, whom some of our readers will know. What follows is her plain-language guide to the evaluation: who does what, what gets assessed, how a careful evaluator handles allegations, and how to find one worth trusting.
What a custody evaluation is
A custody evaluation is broader than most people expect. As Stilwell describes it, a psychologist acting as a custody evaluator brings years, often decades, of understanding of child and family development, plus a specialization in forensics and family law, and uses that to form an objective opinion about what serves the child's best interest. That opinion isn't based on one interview. It comes after a comprehensive evaluation of the child and all the family members, along with collateral information from outside sources.
Scope is what sets it apart. An evaluator's report generally covers more ground than a guardian ad litem's, because the evaluator is applying clinical training to specific questions the court needs answered. Stilwell put the role of any good forensic expert simply: their job is to support the "trier of fact," meaning the judge. The evaluation exists to give the person making the decision a careful, informed, and honest read on the family.
Who's who: evaluator, guardian ad litem, and attorney for the child
Some of the most common questions Stilwell hears are, Who are all these people? Which ones do we need? These are worth answering, as people can play very different roles.
A custody evaluator assesses the whole family and gives the court an objective, best-interest opinion. Their allegiance is to the assessment, not to any party. A guardian ad litem is someone the court appoints to make sure the child's voice is heard and the child's interests are represented; the child is effectively their client. Who serves as a GAL varies by state and even by judge, and can be an attorney or mental health professional. An attorney for the child (also called minor's counsel) represents the child's wishes, the way any attorney represents a client, which is not always the same as the child's best interest. Stilwell notes that attorneys for the child don't necessarily have psychology training, so they sometimes consult social workers or psychologists to fill that gap.
The short version: the evaluator forms an expert opinion, the guardian ad litem represents the child in court, and the child's attorney voices what the child wants. A psychologist can sometimes occupy more than one of these roles depending on how the court assigns them, which is part of why families get confused. If you want a deeper picture on the GAL’s role specifically, our related conversations on guardians ad litem and parenting coordinators go into these topics in more depth. (Internal links: Crystal Wright GAL post + Nicole Sodoma parenting-coordinator post once live.)
What the evaluation actually looks at
Stilwell calls herself "a glutton for records," and she means it as a strength. She wants the family's history, what they've been through, and what happened before they reached her, because it helps her understand what actually brought them to this point. Knowing the history doesn't mean the goal is to relitigate the past; it means she can't tell what the right focus is until she understands where the family has been.
The assessment involves everyone. She meets with both parents, the child, and the important caretakers in the child's life, and gathers collateral information from outside sources rather than relying only on what the two parents tell her. Where there's a history of domestic violence, she meets with people separately rather than forcing them into the same room, because a target of abuse can shut down or feel railroaded in the presence of the person who harmed them.
She's also firm that interviewing a child well is a specialized skill, not something any credentialed person can do. "Having a degree in psychology or having a mental-health degree is not sufficient," she says. There are specific training protocols for child forensic interviewing, and the professional has to stay current with the research, because how a child's statements should be understood depends heavily on the child's development, any language or learning delays, and the level of conflict around them.
How a careful evaluator handles abuse and alienation allegations
This is where Stilwell is most valuable, because she resists easy answers. When one parent alleges abuse and the other calls it coaching or alienation, the instinct is to want a professional who will declare who's right. A good evaluator doesn't work that way.
On the claim that a counter-allegation of alienation reliably "muddies the waters" of an abuse report, she points out that the research is thinner and less settled than people assume. Social science is hard to conduct in this area, especially with protected information, and when researchers took a closer look at the data, the results came back inconclusive. Her answer isn't to pick a side but to widen the lens: get a competent, comprehensive professional to examine all the plausible explanations for what's happening, and be honest about the limits of what anyone can know. "We need to be open-minded to many alternative hypotheses," she says, "and we need to be aware of our limitations as experts."
The same humility applies to a child's statements. Lisa mentioned hearing one expert argue that young children are so suggestible their stories elaborate the more they're asked, yet other people assert that children are the least likely to lie. Stilwell's response is that both can be true, but neither absolutely for every child in every circumstance, because children differ enormously in development. It's exactly why the person conducting the interview needs real training in this narrow area. When Stilwell does an intake and finds too much uncertainty about the validity of allegations, she'll refer the family back to a proper evaluation before beginning any therapy, so she isn't unintentionally doing harm by treating a situation she doesn't yet understand.
Why your child may "go along" with your ex, and why to restrain yourself
Stilwell offers a framework that helps explain something many parents take personally for when a child won’t take their side, or who seems to appease the other parent. "Kids choose the path of least resistance," she says. Faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation, a child may simply acquiesce to both parents rather than assert a preference or name a feeling, because asserting themselves is hard and they often feel guilty, as though they're the ones causing the problem. So they sacrifice their own position to keep the peace. That's not disloyalty – it's a child protecting themselves.
She's also clear that children see more than parents wish they did. However hard you work to shield them from conflict and the court process, their world has changed, and they're trying to make sense of it. Kids are smart; they pick up on your stress even when they don't have the full picture. Her advice is to check in with them about what they're thinking and feeling rather than pretending they haven't noticed what’s going on around them.
That leads to one of her most practical recommendations. When your child's behavior hurts you, the hardest, most important work is to learn how to hold your own feelings in while still giving your child room to process theirs. She routinely tells the parents in her family therapy cases to have their own therapist, a separate space to work through their pain, so they can stay regulated and present for their child. As she puts it, we have to regulate ourselves as parents to be there for our kids, and that gets much harder in the middle of a divorce. The same boundary-setting shows up in smaller moments too, like an ex who turns up on your parenting time and wants to hash things out at your child's game. The move is to hold the line as calmly as you can: "Now isn't the time, let's take this to email," with an eye toward reducing what the child is exposed to.
Reunification therapy versus reunification "camps"
Because the topic comes up often, we asked Stilwell about reunification therapy, and about the intensive, out-of-home reunification programs that have drawn serious criticism. She has heard the stories, including accounts of children who came away more traumatized, and she's also seen immersive approaches lead to good outcomes. Her position is that blanket recommendations are inappropriate. What matters is the specific family: what the dynamics are, what harm a given program might do, whether the situation calls for standard outpatient reunification therapy (typically about once a week) or a higher level of care, and what a program's actual protocols are.
Running through her answer is the same theme as the rest of her work: the collaborative approach, and the child's experience within it. Children often feel they have no input in these decisions, and a plan imposed without regard for how a particular child will experience it won't produce the same result for every kid. The question is on what the child needs and how a specific intervention may affect them, not just “let’s do reunification.”
How to choose a good evaluator
If you have any say in who evaluates your family, Stilwell's advice is to interview the professional the way you'd vet anyone with this much influence over your case. Ask about their experience with high-conflict situations, their theoretical orientation and their training, so you understand what they bring. And ask specifically whether they have specialized training in the areas your case involves: risk assessment, domestic violence, child abuse, and the evaluation of allegations. You want to know the person has that framework before they start working with your family, not discover an absence of experience later on.
Preparing for an evaluation you didn't choose is its own challenge, and it's a lot of what we help clients think through, so that the process actually reflects the reality of your family.. (Value-first CTA bridge — see note below.)
Questions to ask yourself
- What kind of professional would be most helpful for your case, and why?
- If an evaluator gathered records and collateral information about your family tomorrow, what might they see?
- Where might you need your own support so that you can stay regulated and present for your child through this?
- What specific questions would you want to ask an evaluator about their training and experience before they begin?
Moving forward
A custody evaluation can feel like being handed to a stranger who will judge your family, and that fear is understandable. But a good evaluation isn't a verdict on your worth. It's a careful, whole-picture look meant to help a judge decide well, conducted by someone whose job is to stay open-minded and honest about the limits of what anyone can know. Understanding who does what, what the process assesses, and how to vet the professional gives you back some power. So does tending to your own steadiness, so that when it's your turn to be seen, what comes through is the parent you actually are.
Resources
Dr. Liz Stilwell (Elizabeth Stilwell, Psy.D.) is a forensic and clinical psychologist licensed in New York and New Jersey, practicing at The West Essex Psychology Center in Livingston, NJ.
From Been There Got Out:
- Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances, our guide to the whole marathon.
- Preparing for a custody evaluation or navigating the professionals in your case is a lot of what we coach.
Frequently asked questions
What is a custody evaluation?
A custody evaluation is a comprehensive assessment, usually performed by a psychologist with forensic training, that gives the court an objective recommendation about what custody arrangement serves a child's best interest. As Dr. Liz Stilwell explains, the evaluator brings years of training in child and family development plus a specialization in family law, and forms an opinion only after evaluating the child and all the family members, along with collateral information from outside sources. The evaluator doesn't represent either parent or the child; their role is to support the judge, the "trier of fact," with a careful, informed read on the family. Because of that scope, an evaluation typically covers more ground than a guardian ad litem's report.
What's the difference between a custody evaluator, a guardian ad litem, and an attorney for the child?
They fill three distinct roles. A custody evaluator assesses the whole family and gives the court an objective, best-interest opinion, with allegiance to the assessment rather than any party. A guardian ad litem is appointed to make sure the child's voice is heard and interests are represented in court, effectively taking the child as their client; whose services vary by state and can be an attorney or a mental-health professional. An attorney for the child (or minor's counsel) represents what the child wants, like any attorney with a client, which isn't always the same as their best interest. Dr. Liz Stilwell notes attorneys for the child may lack psychological training and sometimes consult social workers or psychologists. A single psychologist can occupy more than one role depending on the court's assignment.
What does a custody evaluator actually assess?
The evaluator builds a full picture of the family rather than reacting to any single claim. Dr. Liz Stilwell, who calls herself "a glutton for records," gathers the family's history and reviews documentation, then meets with the parents, the child, and the important caretakers in the child's life, plus collateral sources outside the family. Where domestic violence is a factor, she meets with people separately rather than forcing them together, since a target of abuse can shut down in the other party's presence. She stresses that interviewing a child properly requires specialized training in child forensic interviewing, because how a child's statements should be weighed depends on the child's development, any language or learning delays, and the surrounding conflict, not on the interviewer's credentials alone.
How do custody evaluators handle allegations of abuse or parental alienation?
Carefully, and without rushing to declare a winner. When abuse is alleged and the other parent calls it coaching or alienation, Dr. Liz Stilwell cautions that the research often cited, including the idea that counter-allegations reliably "muddy the waters," is thinner and less conclusive than people assume; a closer look at the data left results inconclusive. Rather than pick a side, she says a competent evaluator should examine all plausible hypotheses and stay honest about the limits of what can be known: "We need to be open-minded to many alternative hypotheses, and we need to be aware of our limitations as experts." If an intake leaves too much uncertainty about the validity of allegations, she refers the family back for proper evaluation before starting therapy, so she doesn't cause harm by treating a situation she doesn't yet understand.
Can a young child's statements be trusted in a custody case?
It depends on the child, which is exactly why specialized skill matters. Dr. Liz Stilwell notes that experts disagree, some emphasizing that young children are suggestible and their accounts can elaborate the more they're questioned, others stressing that children rarely fabricate. Her view is that both observations can be true, but neither holds absolutely for every child in every situation, because children vary enormously in development, and factors like language or learning delays and high conflict change the picture. That's why the person interviewing a child needs specific training in child forensic interviewing and needs to stay current with the research. A credential alone isn't enough; understanding the individual child's developmental context is what allows a professional to weigh their statements responsibly.
Why does my child appease the other parent instead of taking my side?
Often because, as Dr. Liz Stilwell puts it, "kids choose the path of least resistance." Faced with an emotionally overwhelming situation, a child may acquiesce to both parents rather than assert a preference or express a feeling, because asserting themselves is hard and they frequently feel guilty, as if they're the cause of the conflict. So they sacrifice their own position to keep the peace, which can look like disloyalty but is really self-protection. Stilwell's guidance is not to take it personally but to check in with your child about what they're thinking and feeling, and to get your own support so you can hold your feelings separately while giving your child room to process theirs. Regulating yourself is what lets you stay present for them.
What is reunification therapy, and how is it different from a reunification camp?
Reunification therapy aims to repair a damaged parent-child relationship and is typically outpatient, often about once a week. Reunification "camps" are intensive, out-of-home programs, and they've drawn serious criticism. Dr. Liz Stilwell has heard accounts of children left more traumatized by immersive programs, and has also seen such approaches help, so she rejects blanket recommendations either way. What matters is the specific family: the dynamics, what harm a given program might do, whether the situation calls for standard outpatient work or a higher level of intensity, and what a program's actual protocols are. She also emphasizes the child's experience, since children often feel they have no say, and a plan imposed without regard for how a particular child will experience it won't work the same for everyone.
How do I choose a good custody evaluator?
Vet them the way you'd vet anyone with real influence over your case. Dr. Liz Stilwell recommends asking about the professional's experience with high-conflict situations, their theoretical orientation, and their training, so you understand what they bring to the table. Most importantly, ask whether they have specialized training in the specific areas your case involves, such as risk assessment, domestic violence, child abuse, and the evaluation of allegations. You want to confirm the person has that framework before they begin, not discover its absence partway through. If you have any say in the selection, a short conversation up front about their background and approach can tell you a great deal about whether they're the right fit for your family's needs.
