"It's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem." — Anthony Johnson, co-parenting coach
If you're co-parenting with a narcissistic or high-conflict ex, you've probably already run into it: the subtle digs, the comments that leave you feeling lesser than, the feeling that your child is being pulled away from you bit by bit. Sometimes it's obvious, but just as often it isn't — and sometimes a parent may be doing this without fully realizing it.
We spoke with Anthony Johnson — a co-parenting coach, leadership consultant, and former Air Force sexual-assault response coordinator — about the less visible side of high-conflict co-parenting: how one parent chips away at the other, why they do it, and how to respond without making things worse. Anthony coaches co-parents from amicable to high-conflict, which gives him a clear read on where ordinary friction ends and something more damaging starts.
Competitive parenting, and where it comes from
One of the most common patterns Anthony sees he calls "competitive parenting" — comparing your parenting to your ex's, and working to one-up or undermine them. "It comes from a place of being unhealed. When I'm in a healthy place, I can be more collaborative than competitive," he says of a person who behaves this way.
It can be hard, but reframing the struggle can be helpful, and something we work on all the time in negotiation: "It's not me versus you. It's us versus the problem." Even after a split, he reminds clients that they are still on the same team, raising the same child. What gets in the way is ego — and in high-conflict situations, one parent often can't stand the idea of the other being right about anything.
The covert version — bad-mouthing you might not realize you're doing
Most disparagement isn't a parent openly trash-talking the other. It's subtler than that — small, deniable comments that add up. "A lot of it is in the little comments and snide remarks," Anthony says, "but you're not doing it intentionally."
He gave a few examples that make people wince with recognition. A child asks for help with math homework, and the response is, "Well, this isn't something your mom's going to help you with." Or, about school announcements in a child's backpack: "Make sure that comes to me — not your dad, so I can make sure this gets on the calendar." On the surface it's logistics. Underneath, Anthony says, the message is "I'm more responsible, I can handle these things, and the other parent can't."
As we've talked about with our own community, these covert messages tend to fall into three buckets: that the other parent is unsafe, unloving, or unavailable. Not just less organized or less intelligent — but, at the deepest level, not to be trusted. What Anthony wants targeted parents to understand is that even when the comparison is true — even if you genuinely are the more on-top-of-it parent — saying it to your child still does damage. "It really diminishes that other parent, and it can have the opposite effect of what you intended."
What it does to a child
Kids, especially young ones, tend to love both parents. So when one keeps signaling that the other is bad, the child is caught in what's called a loyalty bind. "My parents don't lie," Anthony says, describing the child's logic, "so which one is right? They're both telling me different things." That's cognitive dissonance, and it's exhausting for a kid to carry.
Plus, a child who learns what one parent dislikes about the other learns to play the two against each other. "You're modeling manipulation," Anthony says. And in high-conflict homes, children often become expert readers of a parent's emotional needs — a survival skill in the moment that can turn into lifelong people-pleasing. As Lisa notes in the interview, kids who grow up managing a parent's feelings often carry that same role into other friendships and relationships years later, putting everyone else first and losing track of what they need.
Under all of it is guilt. If a child is being told a parent is bad but still loves that parent, they start to wonder: am I betraying you if I don't feel the way you feel? That's a heavy thing to put on a kid.
How to respond when your ex badmouths you
When your child reports your ex's badmouthing, the natural instinct is to defend yourself and set the record straight. Anthony says that usually backfires. "Going on the defense so much makes people look guilty," he says. The more you scramble to counter every accusation, the more it looks like there must be something you have to answer for.
There is a balance between becoming a punching bag and fighting every point. If your kids are old enough to ask, you can say something simple like "that's not true" without launching into a defense. Keep it calm and age-appropriate, and let the rest go.
The internal work is what Anthony spends most of his time on with clients. "Why do I feel the need to defend myself?" he asks clients to ask themselves. Often the urge to be heard, to prove you're right, is coming from an older wound — a history of not being heard — and it's worth untangling, because your ex is almost certainly not the person who's going to finally give you that validation. As we tell our own clients: get it out, send it to us, and we'll help you give it a makeover — but the person you most want to hear it is usually the one least able to. Better to stop arguing your case to your child and simply be the model of the parent you want them to know.
The healthy alternative: "we just love differently"
Anthony offers a strategic example from his own co-parenting relationship. When his son complained that his mom was "always on me about my homework," Anthony didn't agree or add anything to validate a message against his co-parent. Instead, he reframed it: "Me and your mom, we just love differently. The way your mom shows love is she wants to make sure you're doing what you're supposed to — she doesn't want to see you fail. The way I show love is I'm going to let you fail, and then be there to lift you up." One parent isn't nagging and the other lax; they're two people who care, expressing it in different ways.
That reframe does something more than defuse a single complaint: it teaches a child how the world actually works — that people can do the same thing for different reasons, and that difference isn't always a negative.
One job that isn't your child's
Asking a child to carry a parent's emotional well-being is just another way of putting an adult burden on small shoulders, and Anthony rejects the idea that a child should be responsible for checking in on you. He's seen parents proudly say they tell their kids to call and make sure that they themselves are okay. "That is not their responsibility," he says. "They didn't ask to be here — we brought them into this world. It's our job to check on our kids." The healthy version is you reaching out to your children, and the other parent's role being to facilitate that connection, rather than restricting it.
When the other parent really is unsafe
None of this means pretending a genuinely dangerous situation is fine. If a parent is unsafe — using substances around the kids, for example — Anthony's guidance is twofold. First, consider the procedural side: document the incident(s), gather more information, and take it through the proper channels, up to and including a court order.
Next, carefully consider what you are teaching your child during this experience. Rather than warning them about the other parent, Anthony believes in teaching kids boundaries and safety in general, including how to protect themselves with anyone, and how to reach a responsible adult when something feels wrong. There are good children's books which can help bring this message home. After a dangerous visit, when your child comes back to you, give them a safe place to land: room to vent, to be heard, even to be somewhat dysregulated. "Sometimes I've got to let my kid lash out when they come back," Anthony says, noting that often they're coming back from an environment where they can't. What you can't control in the other home, you can partly counterbalance by being solid ground in yours.
The real work underneath
If there's one idea Anthony keeps returning to, it's that what's on the surface is rarely the actual issue. "The problem is never the problem," he says. Competitive parenting, the need to be right, and the compulsion to defend usually trace back to something older and unhealed. That's why he's moved more of his coaching into that deeper space, and believes that when you heal the piece of you that keeps getting hooked, the day-to-day co-parenting gets easier — both for yourself and for your kids.
Questions to ask yourself
- What comments might I have made — even small ones — that position me as the "better" or "safer" parent?
- When my ex badmouths me and the kids come back repeating it, how do I react?
- How might I be signaling to my child that they should be paying attention to my emotional health?
- What older wounds might I not be addressing yet?
Moving forward
Co-parenting with a narcissistic or high-conflict ex means accepting a hard truth: you can't actually make them stop their bad behavior. What you can do is stop defending yourself, keep your child out of the middle, and be the steady parent they can always come back to. Over time, as Anthony puts it, kids tend to see the difference between what they're told and who a parent really is.
You don't have to win the argument to win the long game; just keep being the parent your child can trust. And, when you can, start doing the deeper work of healing the part of you your ex keeps pulling on.
Resources
Anthony Johnson — co-parenting coach and leadership consultant.
From Been There Got Out: our guide on what to do when your ex turns your kids against you, our book When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You, and our Strategic Communication Course — free workshop here — for handling the day-to-day communication without making things worse.
Frequently Asked Questions About Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
What is competitive parenting?
Competitive parenting is when one parent constantly compares their parenting to the other's and tries to one-up or undermine them, rather than cooperating. Co-parenting coach Anthony Johnson says it usually comes "from a place of being unhealed" — driven by ego and insecurity rather than the child's needs. His reframe is to move from "me versus you" to "us versus the problem": even after a separation, both parents are still on the same team raising the same child. Competitive parenting is especially common — and especially damaging — with a high-conflict or narcissistic co-parent who struggles to let the other parent be right about anything.
How do you co-parent with a narcissist without making things worse?
Focus on what you can actually control — your own responses, your documentation, and your relationship with your child — and stop trying to change the other parent. Anthony Johnson's core advice is to avoid getting pulled into constant defensiveness, keep communication procedural, and do the internal work so your ex can't hook you as easily. Trying to make a narcissistic co-parent understand your perspective usually backfires, because it instead comes across as "stop telling me what to do" and creates more conflict. Save your energy for your kids and your own healing.
What should I do when my ex badmouths me to our kids?
Resist the urge to defend yourself point by point — Anthony Johnson warns that "going on the defense so much makes people look guilty." Instead, borrow Brené Brown's frame: "don't shrink, don't puff up — stay on your sacred ground." If your child is old enough to ask about something, you can calmly say "that's not true" without launching into a full defense, keeping it age-appropriate. Then be the model of the parent you want them to know. Over time, children notice the gap between what they're told about you and how you actually are.
What are the subtle, covert ways a parent puts down the other parent?
Covert disparagement hides inside everyday comments — "your mom won't help you with this," or "make sure that paperwork comes to me, not your dad." Anthony Johnson says these small remarks send a meta-message that the other parent is irresponsible, less capable, or not to be trusted, and can cast the overall message that the other parent is unsafe, unloving, or unavailable. Even when the comparison is accurate, sending these kinds of messages to your child still diminishes their other parent — and often backfires, because kids can come to resent the parent doing the disparaging.
How does badmouthing the other parent affect a child?
It puts children in an impossible loyalty bind, since most kids love both parents and can't reconcile "I love this parent" with "I'm told this parent is bad." Anthony Johnson describes the resulting cognitive dissonance — "my parents don't lie, so which one is right?" It can force kids to choose sides, teach them to manipulate by playing parents against each other, and push them into premature people-pleasing as they learn to manage a parent's emotions. Many also carry guilt for loving a parent they've been told not to. These effects can follow them into adult relationships.
Is it okay to ask my kids to check in on me or call to make sure I'm okay?
No — Anthony Johnson is firm that monitoring a parent's well-being is not a child's job. "They didn't ask to be here; we brought them into this world," he says. "It's our job to check on our kids." When a parent leans on a child for reassurance or emotional caretaking, it parentifies them. The healthy version is the reverse: you reach out to your children, and the other parent's role is to facilitate that connection rather than restrict it. Kids should be allowed to be kids, not responsible for an adult's emotional needs.
How do I handle it when the other parent is genuinely unsafe?
Separate the procedural response from what you teach your child. Anthony Johnson says if a parent is truly unsafe — using substances around the kids, for instance — document, gather information, and take it through the proper channels, including securing a court order to remove your child from danger if needed (this is not easy, and often an expensive process). With your child, rather than warning them about that specific parent, teach boundaries and safety in general: how to protect themselves with anyone and how to reach a responsible adult. Children's books can help. And give your child a safe place to land and vent when they return to you.
How do I stop competing and start co-parenting more collaboratively?
Start with the wound underneath the competition, because — as Anthony Johnson puts it — "the problem is never the problem." The compulsion to be right, defend, or to be the favored parent usually traces back to something older and unhealed. Since you can only control yourself, that inner work is where your real power lies. Practically, that means dropping the "me versus you" framing for "us versus the problem," keeping your child out of adult conflict, and, when you can, working with a coach or therapist to heal the part of you your ex keeps triggering.
