"I hear that 'they're doomed' narrative all the time — and in my clinical experience, that's not really the case." — Marisa De Sa, psychotherapist
If you've spent years with a narcissistic partner, some version of one question has probably kept you up at night: can they actually change? Maybe part of you is still hoping they will, or you're bracing for the "new leaf" they promise to turn over every time you threaten to leave. Either way, you deserve an honest response instead of a fantasy.
For that answer we went to Marisa De Sa, a psychotherapist with more than a decade of experience who specializes in the two approaches most often recommended for high-conflict families: cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). She works closely with the kinds of rigid, damaging patterns people mean when they say "narcissist" — and her take is both hopeful and sobering.
First, the "they're doomed" myth
The idea that someone with a personality disorder is simply beyond help is common — and, Marisa says, not really true. "There's this really common narrative that this is an intractable problem, like they're doomed," she told us. "In my clinical experience, that's not the case. I think it's an unfair and unhelpful narrative that just adds to the stigma and shame and sense of hopelessness."
That matters for two reasons. It means change isn't flatly impossible. But it also means the honest answer to "can a narcissist change?" isn't a clean yes or no — it's the "it's complicated" that Marisa keeps coming back to. And most of what makes it complicated has less to do with capability, and everything to do with willingness.
Where these patterns come from
Personality disorders, Marisa explains, are patterns of thinking and behaving that are "pretty fixed and inflexible" and usually cause real distress and impairment. They tend to emerge in adolescence or early adulthood, often alongside a distorted view of the self or others. "It's multi-factorial," she says in response to where they come from — a mix of temperament and environment, "certain adverse childhood experiences, certain emotional needs that maybe weren't met," and early relationships and attachments.
None of that excuses how your ex treated you. But it can loosen the grip of a fear that haunts a lot of our clients — what did I do to make them like this? The answer is nothing, because these patterns were forming long before you arrived.
The catch: change only happens if they want it
Here's where hope meets reality. Even the best treatment, Marisa says, depends on one thing you cannot manufacture: the person's own desire to get help. "If you don't have the buy-in, it's really not going to work."
She compares it to addiction — you can push someone into treatment, but if they don't actually want to change, it won't work. And people with these patterns are especially unlikely to want it, because often the patterns work for them. As Marisa puts it, the behaviors "serve a lot of functions — they keep you safe and protected, and you hear all the wonderful things people say about you." Add the fact that, as we see constantly, people like this "don't want to be controlled" or told how to live, and you have someone with very little reason to do the hard, uncomfortable work of changing.
Skilled therapists have ways of working with that resistance instead of pushing back against it — paradoxical approaches where, as Marisa describes, you essentially agree that it makes sense they wouldn't want to change, which can nudge someone toward "you know what, maybe I do need to work on this." But notice who has to do that work. Not you. You cannot change a narcissist, and it was never your job to try.
So — can a narcissist change?
The honest answer: it's possible, but rare, and never something you can cause or count on. Marisa is a genuine believer in people's capacity to grow. "One of the core assumptions of DBT is that people are capable of learning new ways of responding," she says. "I'm a huge believer in neuroplasticity — we can carve new neural pathways and new ways of feeling and reacting."
So the capacity is real, but what's rare is what it requires: someone who recognizes they're the problem, who wants to change badly enough to sit through months of demanding work, and stay with it long after the immediate crisis passes. For a person whose whole pattern is built on not being the one at fault, that's a tall order — which is why, for your own sake, the useful question isn't really "can they change?" It's "what am I going to do while I wait to find out?"
Where your hope actually belongs
If there's one shift that helps our clients most, it's moving the hope off the other person and onto themselves. You can't control whether your ex ever does the work, but you can control how you respond to them, how you protect your kids, and how you rebuild — and these are all learnable skills.
This is exactly the terrain DBT and CBT cover. Marisa describes helping people build a pause between the trigger and the reaction — accessing what DBT calls "wise mind" instead of getting hit by a wave of emotion and reacting reflexively. There's also the practice of radical acceptance: getting clear about what you genuinely can't control so you can put your energy where it actually moves things (it's close to what we teach in terms of getting your ex's voice out of your head and communicating strategically — lowering the temperature instead of fighting every battle). The point isn't to fix them. It's to stop organizing your life around whether they'll change.
A more realistic kind of hope
None of this means resigning yourself to misery. Marisa is, in her words, a "big proponent of hope" — and the most reliable place to aim it is at yourself. The same neuroplasticity that could theoretically help your ex is also available to you: new patterns to learn and a life that isn't run by someone else's moods. "People are doing the best they can with what they have," she says, "and people are capable of learning new ways of responding."
Questions to ask yourself
- How much of my energy is going into waiting for my ex to change?
- What would I do differently today if I fully accepted they may never change?
- Where am I still taking their behavior personally, as if I caused it?
- What's one skill I could learn that would make me steadier around them?
Moving forward
Can a narcissist change? In theory, yes — people are capable of real growth, and Marisa has seen it. In practice, it takes a level of self-awareness and sustained effort that's rare in someone who doesn't believe they're the problem, and it's never something you can force or guarantee.
So the healthiest thing you can do with that question is to stop letting it run your life. Point your hope at the person you can actually change — yourself. Learn the skills, teach your kids how to self-advocate, and begin to build the life you want, whether or not your ex ever does the work. That's a hope that doesn't depend on anyone else showing up.
Resources
Marisa De Sa — psychotherapist specializing in CBT and DBT, based in Connecticut and available for virtual sessions. Find her through the Cognitive and Behavioral Care Center (cbcarecenter.com).
From Been There Got Out: our Strategic Communication Course — free workshop here — teaches the practical skills for communicating with a high-conflict ex without making things worse, so you can put your energy where it counts.
Frequently Asked Questions About Whether a Narcissist Can Change
Can a narcissist change?
It's possible in theory but rare in practice, and it's never something you can force. Psychotherapist Marisa De Sa pushes back on the idea that people with personality disorders are simply "doomed" — clinically, humans are capable of learning new ways of responding, and she's a firm believer in neuroplasticity. But meaningful change requires the person's own genuine buy-in and months of demanding work, at the very least. For someone whose entire pattern is built on not seeing themselves as the problem, that combination is uncommon. The realistic takeaway: change is their responsibility, never yours to engineer.
Can a narcissist change for someone they love or a new partner?
Not reliably — love or a new relationship isn't what drives lasting change. As Marisa De Sa explains, change depends on internal buy-in and hard clinical work, not on how much someone cares about a partner. The "new leaf" a person turns over to win someone back (or keep them from leaving) is usually the pattern continuing — a temporary adjustment rather than genuine growth. If your ex seems different only when they're trying to reel you back in, treat it as another pattern to watch, not proof of change. Durable change shows up over time and under stress, not just when they want something.
Why won't my narcissistic ex change?
Often because, on some level, the patterns are working for them. Marisa De Sa notes that these behaviors "serve a lot of functions" — they keep that person feeling safe and protected, and hearing all the wonderful things people say about them. Combine that payoff with a strong resistance to being controlled or told what to do, and there's little internal motivation to change. It's not that they can't; it's that the discomfort of changing outweighs the discomfort of staying the same — especially for someone who doesn't believe they're the one with the problem in the first place.
Can therapy change a narcissist?
Therapy can help, but only when the person truly wants to be there. Marisa De Sa compares it to addiction treatment: you can push someone into it, but without their buy-in, "it's really not going to work." Skilled clinicians use approaches that work with resistance rather than against it — including paradoxical strategies that can gradually build a person's own motivation. Modalities like DBT and CBT genuinely help people learn new responses. But no therapist can install the willingness, and a court order or an ultimatum probably won't create it either.
Can a narcissist change permanently, or do they go back to old patterns?
Lasting change is possible but requires sustained effort, and short-term shifts often don't hold. Because these patterns are, as Marisa De Sa puts it, "fixed and inflexible," real change means consistently practicing new ways of thinking and responding over the long haul — not a burst of good behavior during a crisis. Many people see a temporary improvement when there's something to gain (avoiding a divorce, winning someone back) that fades once the pressure lifts. Genuine, durable change tends to be slow, full of consistent effort, and self-driven — which is exactly why it's uncommon.
Is it my job to help my narcissistic ex change?
No — and believing it is will keep you stuck. You cannot manufacture someone else's buy-in, and trying to change your ex usually costs you the energy you need for yourself and your kids. As helpful as it is to understand where these patterns come from, understanding is not the same as being responsible for fixing them. The healthiest move is to hand that job back to its rightful owner and redirect your focus to what you can actually control: your responses, your boundaries, and your own healing.
What is DBT, and can it help in a high-conflict divorce?
DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is a structured, evidence-based approach that teaches four core skill sets: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Marisa De Sa says it's especially useful in high-conflict situations, where cycles of invalidation and constant triggering make people react reflexively. Its skills help you build a pause before responding, tolerate a crisis without making it worse, and communicate assertively without aggression. While it's often associated with borderline personality disorder, its tools apply broadly — and they're particularly powerful for the person on the receiving end of a high-conflict ex.
How do I stop waiting for my narcissistic ex to change?
Start by accepting, fully, that they may never change. Once you stop waiting on their growth, it gets easier to start choosing a realistic path forward — and you free up enormous energy for your own life. Practically, that means learning skills that keep you steady (DBT and CBT tools, or strategic communication approaches), building support, and protecting your kids and your peace regardless of what your ex does. The hope is still real; you're just pointing it at the one person whose change is actually within reach — you.
