A restraining order (also called a protective order) is a court order telling one person to stop contacting or coming near another. Whether to seek one depends on your safety and your situation, not on how “bad” things look on paper. To get one, you generally have to show the court, by a “more likely than not” standard, that you were harmed or threatened and need protection going forward. It is a civil order, but violating it carries criminal consequences. Because the rules and forms differ by state, treat what follows as orientation, then get local help from a court advocate or attorney.
These answers walk through getting, keeping, enforcing, and understanding restraining orders, plus when to involve the police and how to plan for your safety if you are still deciding whether to leave. Start with whichever one matches where you are.
Restraining orders
Police and safety
Should I get a restraining order?
If you have been hurt, threatened, stalked, or harassed and you are afraid of what your ex will do next, a restraining order is worth looking into. It will not fit every case, and it is not a strategic bargaining chip. Courts see filings that look retaliatory, and a weak or tactical request can hurt your credibility. Steve Dana, who founded the victim-advocacy organization Protection from Abuse and has spent hundreds of hours supporting survivors through these hearings, makes a point that reassures a lot of frightened people: a denial usually is not the end of the road.
A lot of times it is not that the system does not work. It is that you do not understand the system, and you are not navigating it the right way.
Steve Dana, founder of Protection from Abuse
He is careful to say he is not a lawyer, and neither are we. What an advocate can do is help you understand the process, gather the right documentation, and present it clearly, which is often what separates a granted order from a denied one.
What it takes, and why some are denied
To grant an order, a judge generally has to find two things: that something happened that qualifies under your state’s statute, and that you need continuing protection from this person. Requests get denied when the evidence is thin, when the incidents are old with nothing recent, or when an account is vague. Dana’s guidance on documenting is simple and practical.
Start with the most recent incident and work backward. People think they should start from fifteen years ago, but then you run out of time.
Steve Dana, founder of Protection from Abuse
You usually do not need exact dates for every event; approximate timing (“last summer,” “around June”) is often fine, because the standard is a preponderance of the evidence, meaning what is more probable than not. If you were denied, ask the court or a local advocate what was missing before you assume nothing can be done.
If you would like help thinking through whether an order fits your case and how to prepare, that is the kind of strategy BTGO’s coaching works through with people. You are also free to use what is here with your own discretion.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between a restraining order and a protective order?
They are largely the same thing: a civil court order limiting one person’s contact with another. The exact name and rules vary by state, so use the term your local court uses when you file.
What does it take to get a restraining order?
Generally, evidence that you were harmed, threatened, stalked, or harassed, and that you need continuing protection. The standard is a preponderance of the evidence, meaning more likely than not, not the criminal “beyond a reasonable doubt.”
Why was my restraining order denied?
Common reasons are thin or old evidence, a vague account, or a request that looks tactical. A denial is often about how the case was presented, not proof that you have no case. Ask what was missing and get local advocate help before refiling.
Is a restraining order a criminal charge against my ex?
No. It is a civil order. But if your ex violates it, that violation can carry criminal consequences, which is part of what gives the order teeth.
Related: all answers · working with a lawyer
