The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are leaving, so leaving safely means planning first, with expert help, not on your own. Danger signs that call for urgent planning include escalating or specific threats, any threat to kill or seriously harm you, a history of choking or strangulation, access to weapons, stalking, and threats about the children (“you will never see them again”). If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For free, confidential help any time, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. A local advocate can build a safety plan around your exact situation.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Why the exit is the most dangerous time
Leaving threatens an abuser’s control, and that is often when behavior escalates. Been There Got Out, whose co-founder is a certified domestic-violence advocate, is direct that this is not a moment to improvise.
The most dangerous time is when we are trying to escape an abusive relationship. It is necessary to have a safety plan in place, which requires outside expert support and should never be attempted on one’s own.
Been There Got Out, Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances
Danger signs worth taking seriously
Some warning signs raise the risk enough that safety planning becomes urgent: threats to kill you, the children, or themselves; strangulation or choking, even once; weapons in the home or threats to use them; escalating stalking or surveillance; and controlling access to money, documents, or transportation so you cannot leave. If several of these are present, contact a hotline or advocate rather than waiting for a “clearer” sign.
A basic safety plan
An advocate will tailor this, but the common building blocks include:
- A go bag stored somewhere you can reach in a hurry, ideally outside the home. Pack as if for a week away: clothing and toiletries that will not be missed, so packing is not noticed.
- Documents and copies: IDs, birth certificates, court and custody papers, financial records, and any evidence you have gathered. Digital copies stored in an account your ex cannot access help too.
- A plan for the children and pets: where they will be, what they carry, and their medications and records. Ask whether your state includes pets in protective orders.
- A place to go and people who know: a trusted contact, a shelter, or a friend’s home, and a code word so someone can act if you signal for help.
- Digital safety: assume shared devices and accounts may be monitored. An advocate can help you check for tracking and set up safer communication.
This is orientation, not a substitute for a plan built with a professional who knows your circumstances. Please reach out to a hotline or local advocate. When you are ready to think through the legal and co-parenting road ahead, BTGO’s coaching is here, whenever you are ready.
Frequently asked questions
What are the danger signs that I should leave?
Escalating or specific threats, any threat to kill or seriously harm you or the children, a history of choking or strangulation, weapons in the home, stalking, and controlling your money, documents, or transportation. If several are present, contact a hotline or advocate now.
Why is leaving the most dangerous time?
Leaving threatens an abuser’s control, and behavior often escalates then. That is why safety planning with expert support, rather than leaving on your own, matters so much.
What should be in a safety plan?
A go bag stored where you can reach it, copies of key documents, a plan for children and pets, a safe place to go and people who know, and digital-safety steps. A local advocate will tailor it to your situation.
Who can help me make a safety plan?
A domestic-violence advocate or hotline. In the US, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, any time, free and confidential. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
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