The hardest parts of co-parenting after a high-conflict divorce are rarely the schedule, but the moments in front of the children. What you say about the divorce, how exchanges go, what happens when your child is angry with you, and how you respond when the other parent undermines medical care or a new relationship. Nearly every answer here is the same: keep the children out of the conflict, be the steady, consistent parent, and document rather than retaliate. Children remember the atmosphere far longer than the arrangements.
These answers cover the parenting plan itself and the day-to-day situations it never quite covers.
The parenting plan
Your children
- What do I tell the kids?
- Why is my child angry at me, and what therapy helps?
- My child is self-harming or suicidal.
When the other parent is the problem
- My ex is harming the children. What do I do?
- My ex will not follow medical advice for our child.
New relationships
If your child is in immediate danger, call 911. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (US): call or text 988. To report suspected child abuse: Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-422-4453.
If you want help thinking through a specific situation with your children, that is much of what BTGO’s coaching does. Use these answers at your discretion.
Frequently asked questions
What is the most important thing in co-parenting after a high-conflict divorce?
Keeping the children out of the conflict. That means not using them as messengers, not badmouthing their other parent to them, and behaving consistently regardless of how the other parent behaves.
Do I have to co-parent with someone who is abusive?
Parallel parenting, where contact is minimal and each parent operates independently within a detailed order, is usually the realistic model when cooperation is not possible.
Will my kids be okay?
Research consistently points to conflict, rather than divorce itself, as what harms children. Reducing what they are exposed to, and giving them at least one steady parent, matters enormously.
Related: all answers · parental alienation · custody order violations
