A parenting plan is the document that governs how you and your co-parent raise your children apart, and in a high-conflict case its single most important quality is specificity. It should cover the regular schedule, holidays and school breaks, exchange times and locations, decision-making authority, communication rules and channels, travel and relocation, medical and school access, and how disputes get resolved. Vague language such as agreeing to be reasonable is the most common failure, because anything ambiguous becomes something to re-litigate. Write it as though you will not be able to agree on anything later.
What belongs in it
The essentials: the regular residential schedule with exact days and times; a holiday and school-break schedule that alternates or splits clearly; exchange locations and who transports; legal decision-making on education, medical care, and religion; a designated communication method and expected response times; rules about travel, passports, and relocation; access to school and medical records for both parents; how a child’s activities get decided and paid for; and a dispute-resolution step before anyone files.
Things that matter less than people expect: aspirational language about mutual respect, and micro-detail about daily routines inside each household. Courts will not police tone, and each parent generally controls their own home.
The biggest problems in parenting plans
Vague language. “Reasonable and liberal parenting time as agreed” works only for people who can agree, and if you could agree you would not need the plan. Other frequent failures: no mechanisms for what happens when someone is late; no rules for make-up time; holiday clauses that do not say what happens when a holiday falls in the other parent’s week; and giving one parent discretion the other must depend on. All of this just opens the door to more conflict.
A second common problem is a plan written for the children’s current ages. A schedule that suits a four-year-old fits a fourteen-year-old poorly, so build in a step-up or a review point.
Who writes it?
Usually the parents and their attorneys negotiate it, and a judge imposes one if they cannot. You can draft your own proposal, and doing so is often worthwhile because you know the practical details nobody else does. Have an attorney review it before it becomes an order.
One thing a plan should not come from is your child’s therapist. Premela G. Deck, an attorney and clinical social worker who does this work, explains why.
As therapists, it is an improper dual role for us to put a parenting plan in place. We can’t assess custody while treating the family. It’s a whole different process to do a child custody evaluation. It’s different than to do therapy. So we can’t do both roles.
Premela G. Deck, JD, PhD, LICSW
Orders that say “at the therapist’s discretion” put a clinician in a position they should not occupy, and that language is worth resisting when it appears in a draft.
Aim for parallel parenting
If cooperation is not realistic, say so in the document. Parallel parenting minimizes contact: fixed exchanges in neutral or public locations, communication through one written channel or an app, and each parent making day-to-day decisions during their own time. A plan built for parallel parenting prevents far more conflict than one that assumes goodwill that does not exist.
BTGO is building a dedicated approach to high-conflict parenting plans, because this document does more to determine your next decade than almost anything else in the case. If you want help thinking yours through, and putting together an airtight parallel parenting plan, we can help do that, and a local attorney should review the final language.
Frequently asked questions
What is a parenting plan?
The document governing how separated parents raise their children: schedule, holidays, exchanges, decision-making, communication, travel, and dispute resolution. In high-conflict cases, specificity is its most important quality.
What should be in a parenting plan?
Exact schedule and holiday terms, exchange times and locations, decision-making authority, a designated communication channel, travel and relocation rules, records access, and dispute-resolution steps to take before filing.
What are the biggest problems in parenting plans?
Vague language above all else. Phrases like reasonable and liberal as agreed only work for parents who are generally amicable. Other failures include no make-up-time rule, unclear holiday precedence, and giving one parent discretion the other must depend on.
Should I write my own parenting plan?
Drafting a proposal is often worthwhile, since you know the practical details best. Have an attorney review it before it becomes an order, and resist any clause leaving terms to a therapist’s discretion.
Is it better to have a judge or the lawyers write it?
A negotiated plan usually fits your family better than one imposed by a judge who knows little about your circumstances. If agreement is impossible, the court will decide, which is a reason to come with your own specific, reasonable proposal.
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