Note: The video originally appeared as an online workshop followed by a Q&A session. The Q&A is not in this recording.
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17 Responses
Hi Chris, I thank you for sending me this link. I’ve been in a miserable marriage for the last 25 years with a woman who definitely suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve suffered terrible mental, emotional, and physical abuse particularly when she had a 5 year affair with her ex boyfriend. I only know about the one. We actually were in marriage counseling for 3 years while she was having her affair after which I felt like I was the nutcase. Talk about deceit. She contracted HPV from him and had to have much of her uterus removed. What’s even more troubling is that she had unprotected sex multiple times while she was pregnant with our son. She used our children when they were young as pawns, of course, me as well, in her twisted game of manipulation and exploitation. My children are now 21 and 19. Both want me to be happy and both know my soul has been ripped to shreds. I’m 53 years old and feel stuck. I feel I’ve been robbed of the best years of my life. I stayed married as I wanted my children to have some semblance of a “normal” life with an “intact” family. Both me and my wife had at least one parent who had NPD. For me it was my mother who is an alcoholic and had multiple affairs on my father. My wife’s father was also an alcoholic with NPD. He ultimately killed himself when she was 17. The difference is that she had an unbelievably horrific, abusive and severely traumatic childhood. Much worse than mine. Obviously, that explains a lot regarding her mental health disorder. It’s been a very sad life for me and, unfortunately, due to such a horrific marriage, I’ve also developed alcoholism. Regrettably, I used alcohol to numb my inner pain and anxiety. I suffered a 3 day relapse recently but today marks 10 days sober. I see the same problem with alcohol now starting to manifest itself in my son. My daughter instead smokes a lot of marijuana. They both suffer from low self esteem, along with me, and aren’t particularly motivated to do much of anything to get ahead in life. When she was young, up until she was 4 years old, my wife actually had her believing that it was “normal” that mommy had a boyfriend on the side and even brought my children on multiple occasions to his home. How twisted and manipulating. I’m also convinced that my wife was and still is clueless about the long term impact this would have on them. I feel completely stuck. While understanding the disorder has provided some relief which I’ve only come to discover in the last 6 weeks, I also feel somewhat hopeless as I know there’s virtually no cure for her. What I wouldn’t give for true intimacy instead of this superficial, hollow, empty, affectionless, and loveless situation that I find myself in. Not sure where to go from here especially in the midst of this pandemic. I’ve spoken with both my children and they are well aware of the damage this has caused me and them. They just want and firmly believe that they just want me to be happy. Thank you for the work and insight you are providing. Randal
Dear Randal,
So much of what you said really resonated with my own experience – life-changing on a dime, and having to basically rewrite the history of what you once considered to be an essentially beautiful relationship.
Of all the people we’ve connected with, yours is among the closest to my own story, especially the part about the affair with the former boyfriend. In my case, that was only the tip of an iceberg I learned much more about later.
I know you just learned why all this was happening a short time ago – I remember that epiphany clearly! It’s scary to learn about, but at least you know there’s an explanation.
I absolutely know we can help, as we are in the final stages of tweaking the technology to roll out our first “Lifeboat” course, which covers in more detail some of the issues directly related to much of what you mentioned here, as well as access to an emotionally supportive community of people who are going through similar experiences, as well as those of us who have already made it to the other side.
Keep an eye out for our emails, and in the meantime, have hope – with the right support, and lots of work, I’ll bet you’ll get there (I did!),
Chris
I’m a single mom and I hardly have money to live. My boyfriend is my toxic partner. He is still married and we have been together for 4years in August. I have tried so many ways to get out of this relationship. It took me forever to get where I am financially with no help
Hi Alisa,
Sounds very, very stressful; I just sent you an email,
Lisa
Thanks so much
I have been on a roller coaster ride with my boyfriend in a relationship off and on.. Now that we’re married as of February 10 2029.. He decides he no longer wants to be married after 3 months… Because his friends got on his case about us being in 2 different households and not being together.. I tried working things out with him but nothing gets through everything is no no no.. Now hes telling people that I turned his friends against him which is not the truth…. His friends know him better than me and say hes a pathological liar that I shouldn’t have marry him.. When I talk to him as me being his wife nothing make sense what comes out of his mouth… He confuses me a lot because nothing is consistent with him…
Hi Cassandra,
So sorry for the late response – just saw the comment (we’ve been having some site tech difficulties).
This situation sounds beyond upsetting., especially as you are still newlyweds. Has anything changed?
Lisa
Wow, thank you so much for helping me understand what has been going on in my life. I have been seeing a couple of counsellors about this relationship and am shocked to learn what my real situation really is. I am relieved to tell you that I have left the relationship a week ago and was discussing it with a friend. It was suggest that my partner might have a personality disorder or was even narcissistic. I took the quiz and scored 72!!!!!!! Thank you so much for being there. Perhaps I’m not losing my marbles after all. Words cannot convey the weight you have lifted from me. Thank you so very much.
Wow, thank you so much for helping me understand what has been going on in my life. I have been seeing a couple of counsellors about this relationship and am shocked to learn what my real situation really is. I am relieved to tell you that I have left the relationship a week ago and was discussing it with a friend. It was suggested that my partner might have a personality disorder or was even narcissistic. I took the quiz and scored 72!!!!!!! Thank you so much for being there. Perhaps I’m not losing my marbles after all. Words cannot convey the weight you have lifted from me. Thank you so very much.
Sue,
So glad to help turn some lights on. You are definitely not losing your marbles. Just sent you an email!
Lisa
Sue,
I’m so glad! I bet you’re definitely not losing your marbles after all!
🙂 Lisa
I was in an extremely violent marriage for 16 years the abuse was so bad the police removed me and my children. What you said in your work shop was true people cannot fathom what I’ve been through and I was treated horribly by the community after I left. I have since been in another relationship for the last 7.5 years and it too has become abusive and toxic. He is relentless constantly wanting all of my attention, wanting me to fix him help him it’s all about him. Recently he asked me to choose between him and my kids when I chose my kids he was shocked. The verbal abuse is disgusting and he makes me feel just like my ex husband did… Worthless. I have post traumatic stress disorder and I’m terrified of confrontation, he just keeps confronting me, arguing and telling me he’s going to kill himself. I’ve told him it’s over but he just won’t leave me alone. I had a psychologist tell me that everything about me screams victim so I naturally attract preditors he also said I have to take responsibility for the choice I made to stay. I just feel that now this is my second bad relationship it must be my fault. I have no friends no one to turn to and no one really understands. I need advise, the right advise.
Oh Helen,
I am so sorry to hear not only about the situation, but the fact that you are blaming yourself so hard. I just put you on the list for Lifeboat course information, which we will start rolling out tomorrow (fingers crossed!) as you sound like the kind of person this and our monthly membership (and emotional support group of people going through the same kinds of experiences you are, as well as those of us who have already made it to the other side) could really help. One of the three topics we plan to go over in Lifeboat I is “how to stop repeating the cycle” which was voted as one of the three most pressing topics by this community.
Keep your eyes peeled for a bunch of emails from us over the next week and a half, and let me know what you think,
Lisa
This is a very complex issue – with so many layers – that there is no way for me to sum
I’ve been having an affair with my youngest daughter father for 25yrs! He’s a very Narcissistic man- Manipulative- Materialistic- Selfish! We were dating at first- then he left me- to go married another woman- stayed married to her- maybe about 2-3yrs! Left his first wife- to go married his second wife! During the whole time throughout his marriages- him and I are still dating- with my Low Self-Esteem and still young at the time! Fast Forward! About three years ago- he slept with my oldest daughter which is by another man- which he also slept with my mother- aunts- my daughter friends and any other woman he wanted to pimp out! Throughout our dating- we have caused one another Pain and Misery! Out of the relationship he had with my oldest daughter- a child was born- which is his child and my daughter was pregnant again by this NARC Bastard- but he made my daughter get an abortion! At this very moment- I HATE him very Dearly- Deeply and my HATE extends to my family- my daughter friends and most of all myself for being so very stupid in dealing with him all these years and letting him Manipulate me! He is still married to his second wife- he is still dating my oldest daughter- he is still fooling around with the rest of the women in my family and my oldest daughter friends! It’s just so much that is going on between him and I- which is causing me to be very Evil- UnHappy- Lost for words and myself! Need Help- Guidance- New Direction! Thank You
Ms D,
Wow…I couldn’t keep track of everyone involved – I felt like I would have to draw a diagram to remember…
As all of this is way too complex to answer in a quick blog response, if you want to talk about more how we might be able to start helping you make sense of all of this, and begin to move forward, we are going to be LIVE tonight at 8PM EST, as this is the final day of our Lifeboat course and membership registration. If you want the Zoom link, please get in touch!
Lisa
During lockdown my partner was in a really good mood happier and more helpful than ever. Two months later I found that he had been sleeping with another woman while this idiot cooked and washed for him. I dont think she was the only one, even when I showed him a photo of them in bed together he denied it was him -13 year relationship
He ruined birthdays and Christmas when he could has dropped me in it financially blamed me, said id changed and I was drinking too much- even though I didn’t drink for 3 months.
I kicked him out he messages me with photos of all the places he is going with her its really messing with my head..not sure what to do now
Ugh, Wendy….I remember this kind of mess so well.
You are not an idiot. People like this are very good at what they do. Is there a way to block contact from him? You also should try to avoid checking any of his social media as well – it’s like drinking poison, and is exactly what he probably wants from you…attention!
We are going to be LIVE tonight at 8PM EST (probably too late for you – middle of the night in the UK) if you want to discuss further (as this is the final day of our Lifeboat course and membership registration), but if you’re up and want the Zoom link, get in touch!
Lisa