Sex is the number one topic searched on the internet, and 25% of total search engine requests are porn-related. But at what point, if any, does watching porn endanger a committed relationship?
Let’s first look at the difference between a habit and a serious problem. According to Ann Pietrangelo, author of “Everything You Need to Know About Pornography Addiction,” it really boils down to a lack of control. If your partner exhibits the following behaviors, it may be a cause for concern:
- The amount of time spent watching porn keeps growing
- Hours on end are spent perusing online porn sites, even if it means neglecting responsibilities or sleep
- There is an insistence that romantic / sexual partners view porn or act out porn fantasies even if they don’t want to
- Sex is not enjoyable without first viewing porn
- Porn has become a life disruption but it’s too irresistible to quit
So I’m guessing that if you’re still reading, you’re starting to get uncomfortable. Are any or most of these behaviors familiar? They certainly were to me in my past life…
But how about cheating? If someone is merely watching porn, as opposed to interacting personally, do these behaviors still mean that your relationship is destined for infidelity?
Linda Hatch, author of the article, “Do Porn Addicts Cheat on Their Partners?” believes that, although not all porn addicts cheat, the mere fact that they are involved in committed relationships is just one level of stress in several risk factors.
As porn addiction is a type of sex addiction, she claims that regular viewers of porn tend to avoid intimacy, and often lead lives based on deception. Their desire to connect to others yet still escape the demands of intimacy with a partner is a major factor in their desire to seek sexual connections outside of their committed relationship.
Though married for nearly eighteen years, I always felt like there was an emotional wall between my ex-husband and I. He used to claim that most people just “didn’t understand” him, which was just part of his intelligent and complicated personality.
As with most addictions, the longer it goes on, the more likely the addiction will progress and escalate, meaning that greater excitement and risks may be taken to get the same “fix.”
Some porn addicts may exhibit behaviors similar to sociopaths and narcissists, which include disregarding the effects of their behavior on others, not being accountable, and completely ignoring the consequences of their actions, which can appear similar to narcissistic entitlement.
During the last couple of years of my marriage, as well as the divorce proceedings, I unearthed a startling level of deception which had gone on since the very beginning of our relationship. When my lawyer questioned the behavior, the ex claimed that “we’d had an agreement” (we did not!), and that his actions should have been expected, because his dad had also been a serial cheater. He showed no remorse, nor offered any apology.
In “What Porn Can do to Intimacy” author Peg Streep notes several studies showing that porn can have a greater effect on relationships than people might think.
First, porn-free relationships tend to be stronger, and have a lower rate of infidelity. Findings showed that porn-free couples had lower levels of negative communication, were more committed to the relationship, and had higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.
She also observed that, interestingly, people who only watched porn with their partners were more dedicated to the relationship and sexually satisfied than those who watched alone.
In addition, watching porn can diminish relationship commitment. Why? Because doing so reminds you of all the potential sexual partners out there, which may in turn lower your dedication to the person you’re actually involved with, and make you crave a fantasy individual you’ve never met.
Another study confirmed the same conclusion: “just the thought of greener pastures may be enough to send one roving.”
If you’re becoming more uneasy while reading this, let’s now take a breath, shift gears, and focus on how your partner’s actions could be damaging you.
In a study done by Robert Weiss, reported in his article, “Information for Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts,” he found that almost everyone betrayed by a sex addict’s behavior was left feeling awful and impacted with many of following symptoms:
- Loss of self-esteem
- Stress, anxiety and depression
- Inability to trust
- Reduced ability to enjoy sex and romance
In fact, another study noted that many women married to sexually addicted men, upon learning of their husbands serial infidelity, experience acute stress and anxiety symptoms characteristic of post-traumatic stress disorder.
Perhaps the bottom line to remember is this: a relationship involves two people, who should be aware of and mutually agree on certain boundaries. What’s most important to consider is how your partner’s behavior affects you. If you feel hurt, deceived, ugly, inadequate, lied to, and generally miserable, things have gone too far.
It’s up to you alone – not your partner – just how much you are willing to tolerate.
37 Responses
Thank you for writing this
Karey,
You’re welcome…so sorry you might be dealing with this, and hope it helped.
Lisa
Hello Lisa,
This is very helpful! Thank you. I am in one of my worst places right now because of my husband’s decision to watch prom on a regular basis. He doesn’t know I know and have been for months trying to get off the therapy waiting list to get some help before I do something stupid again. My husband knows I am depressed but doesn’t know why, mostly bcuz he says he doesn’t do porn! But he is lying so communicating my feelings to him would a waste of my breath. Any suggestions to help while I’m imploding on this waitlist?
Dear Melissa,
Oh, I so feel your pain! I went through years of this as well, as you know.
It is very hard to give a quick answer in a text response, but we have a few interactive workshops in our Sanity School at learning.beentheregotout.com which might help more. They go into way more detail about the issues such as his utter failure to respect your feelings in what sounds like a committed relationship. One workshop I’m thinking might be most helpful is “How To Regain Your Confidence.” One way that you (and me, and so many others) become consumed with pain is because all of our focus has been transferred onto the other person, whose behavior we have no control over. Learning to emotionally detach – even while still in the relationship – is a huge step in not imploding, and taking some steps to work on yourself can feel like something you do have control over.
Hope this helps – even a little,
Lisa
If he was sleeping with another woman would you be seeking help in the same way or would you leave?
He’s getting sexually arroused by other women and he’s either beating off to it which in his mind and how his brain proccesses the experience there is no difference then actually having sex with the women he watching or he’s having sex with the women he’s watching when he’s having sex with your body. Your body is his masterbation toy for the sex he has with the women he’s watching on the screen.
It’s the most twisted sickest demonic perverted thing a man could do. If you want to know how to define massive disrespect then look at men watching porn while they are in a committed relationship.
Dear Teresa,
I feel your pain – I remember it so well. Have you seen the movie, Don Jon? It was one recommended by one of the therapists we were seeing years ago who knew a lot about porn addiction, who recommended that I watch it. I’d be curious to hear what you think about it…
Lisa
Ho-Ly-Crap. This describes my situation so accurately. In a weird way I am relieved that my relationship only went on for 3.5 years, My father is a porn/sex addict and my parents are still together after decades. Breaks my heart to now understand everything he put my mother through. It’s also important to note that this addiction affects any sexual orientation. My ex bf and I broke up early last month and the aftermath has been heartbreaking but I am glad I broke free when I did. I am a much healthier man today. Thank you for writing this post. Thank you so much.
YM,
So glad this resonated, and even more so, that you were able to break free!
Lisa
Omg you are gay. You are a man. You are a man who is HURT over your boyfriend watching porn. You are a man. How come you aren’t watching it to? You are a man. Women will never fully grasp how deeply the sexual gratification goes when watching porn. We can only guess the intensity men experience.
It’s just as bad as I thought it was. Because if it really was no big deal then you being a man would already know this and it wouldn’t of bugged you.
I want to talk to you so bad. If you read this comment could you plz email me. I can’t heal from this until I can get some understanding to it.. If it hurt you then what he is experiencing when he watches it is as bad as I thought it was. It’s the exact same thing as him finding a woman on the street and sleeping with her. It’s hurts so bad. plz write if you can. Thank you.
Hi, Teresa. We’re not comfortable including your personal contact info here publicly on our site, so (with apologies) I removed your email address from your comment. Hopefully, there’s some other way you can reach this person to share your contact information. Hoping you understand…
Chris
This is a year old thread so not sure if anyone will see this. I have been in a 22 year marriage(4 children) with a man that has relapsed so many times it is hard to count. I only learned the full extent of his disgusting habit a few years ago. At the same time i learned about him visiting strip clubs throughout our early marriage. He refused/could not give me a date it stopped. I can say from the deepest depths of my soul he has destroyed me in every possible way as a human being and as a women. Which has likely been the cause for me having no self worth to leave. He is an expert at presenting a front that looks honest and genuine. Seems like the best guy, charismatic and what not to others. But i know his dark secrets. And initially thought i could fix him. For 2 years i doted and gave into him sexually whenever he wanted. Made sure i looked nice when he got home from work. This landed me up pregnant with our 4th. When i was 3 weeks from my due date I had done some snooping and confirmed he was back to his ways. I confronted him and he showed zero emotion. I spent 2 days in bed crying and went into early labour.
He runs hot and cold. At times is overbearingly touchy feely. And if we argue or meerly disagree, ive rubbed his ego the wrong way he becomes a cold robot. I have pleaded on too many occasions to count that he stop. He has seen me physically sick due to this. To the point of not functioning as a productive mother. I am always suspicious of him. I am also not convinced that he has been physically faithful to me not in light of his track record, but he will never admit that. My spirit has been broken, i am so deeply depressed that i swear ill die from heart break. I wish i were a strong women but i am not. My tears have filled barrels at this point. I cannot quantify how someone who claims they love you could be so cruel. This has mentally damaged me. Unfortunately this just scratches the surface. Too much content to mention in this. But has left be a broken soul.
Dear Lrs,
So sorry to hear this – it is unfortunately a way too common scenario. It is important to get some emotional support during this time. As a state-certified domestic violence advocate, I highly recommend contacting your local DV center, as they will usually have a lot of free resources, including counseling, to help you start to process all of this…
Lisa
I have one question what is the difference between someone having a one night stand verses watching porn?
No emotional connections
Same chemicals are being released in the brain.
The desire to have sex with that person they are with or the porn star they are watching is the same.
The level of pleasure they experience doing both is the same.
The excitement of something new is the same.
No strings attached is the same.
They hiding going on is the same.
They lies you tell are the same.
The covering up is the same.
Hopefully the guilt is the same.
What is the difference?
One we all agree is cheating while the other not so much.
I look at every video he clicked on and viewed a naked woman is a different woman that he cheated on me with. So if he clicked on 15 videos in one porn session one naked girl in each vid then that night alone he cheated on me with 15 different women.
If you respect your commitment to your spouse. You love her then you should have eyes for only here. Not saying you won’t feel temptation. It recognizing your feeling tempted and respecting and caring for your partner enough to turn away from the temptation.
You are in the janitor room of your work looking for a broom. It’s hardly big enough to fit 4 people. A female colleague enters the small room right behind you not knowing you were in there and now you both are standing very close to each other. She’s had a major crush on you and she makes a pass at you. You going to get out of the room and leave her behind? You sure you would leave cuz you didn’t leave that porn site that was filled with a bunch of naked women.
Anything that is a secrete you don’t know about is cheating.
I’m married 42 years been through it all and ending it finally. He’s a cheater, liar, snake. He ruined my life cheaters never change. Now at this point I despise him he’s 81 still at it. I’ve seen it all been through all the bullshit just want out. No matter what it’s all meaningless words they give you. A cheater liar all the same never change could care less about you.
Hi Concetta,
Yes, isn’t it just unbelievable! So glad you’re finally getting the courage to leave! We have a client who also left after 45+ years of marriage – it took a LOT, but she’s out and doing MUCH better. Good luck!
Lisa
Hi, I think my Father is haveily addicted to porn..perhaps cheating on my Mother of 41 years. When I confronted him about his porn use, he got angry, defensive and very weird. I don’t know if he’s a narcissist or sociopath, but he’s definatley a big fat liar..when I’ve confronted him, he acts like a 6 year old boy who was caught with his hand in a cookie jar. Began to get aggressively intimidating with me also.. my mum buys his bullshit & is very naive. My heart breaks for her because shes in so much denial and truly believes he’s a good man..I think he’s a prick! Liar, sneak and is desperately trying to live up to the perfect, Christian man persona! I know it’s bullshit & can see through this. Can someone please please please help me with how I can get my mother to see this?
Hi Lou,
Sorry to say, but there is no way for you to make her see…this issue comes up all the time from people who loves others in abusive relationships. Wish there was an easy answer, but we have not heard of a surefire solution yet…
Lisa
My husband denys he does this but I can feel it in my heart we are not intimate before we got together he was single for 12 years watching porn I know he still is and he has ruined my life
Found out on our 3 week Hawaii honeymoon, that my husband was not interested in having sex with me ( a born again virgin). I was tall, slender and beautiful. Could have had my pick! Found out about “sexual anorexia” due to his porn addiction about 2 years into marriage. Fool that I am, I stayed for the sake of my children. Now it is 23 years later. Wasted all those years.
I am a registered nurse, working in addictions now. Addicts need to want to change for themselves. Most of them never recover from these chronic addictions. Most sad, but the truth.
My advice to people who find out their loved one is addicted to porn: do not given them any chances; end the relationship immediately. They sadly will not change. It is a stronghold on their soul. Run and do not look back.
Nancy,
Thanks so much for posting this. Very, very relatable…
Lisa
So as soon as we said I do his problems started coming out! We dated over a year an were intimate before we married! As soon as we said I do he started having problems in the bedroom and almost 30 yrs later he is still addicted and the lying that has come along with it is hard to believe! I’m still with him as a roommate because I have not been able to afford to leave!
Angela,
YES! Once they think they have you, the other stuff starts to come out, and yes, it’s VERY hard to leave (esp for financial reasons)…
Lisa
I found out last night that my husband has had an OnlyFans account for 18 months and has been paying for porn. He lied and told me 4 months (the bank statements showed differently). And the cover ups he had to use over the last 13 months of our marriage are significant to hide the financial withdraws. This article validated how I am feeling. Thank you for the transparency.
Hi AB,
It’s a long, painful road with dealing with a porn addict…and financial abuse. Good luck, and hang in there.
Lisa
Are there any statistics on how many porn addicts go on to physically cheat on their wives? Thanks
Hi Lisa,
Not sure about stats on this – haven’t seen,
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I hope you can help. I have been in denial of my husband’s porn addiction our entire marriage (4 years together 8). The porn I’ve seen him watch is very, very disturbing. But I thought it was just porn. But i recently found a photo of him holding up a card for a casual FWB. I guess he was debating creating an Ashley Madison, tinder, adult friend finder and more. He.s tried reaching out to accounts but always gets scammed. Since I caught him, he feels immense guilt and has been physically ill. He promises to do therapy and stay away from porn forever.
I just feel so sad. I want to give him one chance at change. Do you think people can change and stay good?
Hi Aubrey,
This is very familiar. I think the bigger thing to think about is how YOU are – and how YOU have been – affected by his addiction?
Lisa
I’d really like your input on my relationship I recently found out my boyfriend is a porn addict. The way I found out it is he was on an escorting service in July 2022, but he never did anything he would just look at the pictures and relieve himself. And then we had an argument about it and I said I consider that cheating I wouldn’t like you do it again and then he was very understanding and said he’d get better and wouldn’t do stuff like that anymore and he was genuinely doing really good until, just recently in October 2022 I found out he was on this website called arousr and he’s had been using it since march of 2022 off and on and he was paying call girls and paying for photos and videos and FaceTime’s and I genuinely considered breaking up, But he explained how much he loves me, and he never do it again, and he put himself in counseling and has phone on restricted mode for porn and he’s doing a lot better. And he said he never enjoyed the porn. It’s just something he felt he was compelled to do because he’s done it for so long and he uses it as a stress reliever. And he says he hates how he hurt me and how much betrayal he’s put me through and I really do see him changing. But it just hurts every day knowing that my partner did that to me, I don’t know still to this day if I wanna break up with him especially now that I’m finding out that he’s been looking at engagement rings.
Hi Kaila,
It is really hard, and the way you feel is so familiar to what I myself went through. Much luck navigating through this…you might want to talk to a resource at your local domestic violence center – they are often very well-trained in topics like these, and they are usually free!
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
I came across your blog as my husband of 27 years (I’ve been with him for 32 years) admitted to me today by a text message, that he suffers from porn addiction due to depression. Since the beginning of this year I had noticed a change in my husband. He was gone for almost three years prior as he’s a truck driver and was over the road 90% of the time, but for what ever his reasons, decided he was finding a local job. he did. Since then, he has changed six jobs in less than a year. It wasn’t until March that I had seen Whatsapp messages coming across his phone from women. I can remember that day, because we were outside trimming some bushes and when I stepped inside for a drink of water is when I saw the first text. My husband came in right after and I told him someone text him. He looked, and a minute later walked away. I asked him later who text him, he said a co-worker. I knew he lied – and asked him to show it t me. He said he deleted it. From this point forward, it was ALL down hill. Non-stop one-way arguments, tons of days and nights I’ve cried, he also shows ZERO emotions. Gone is the loving caring husband and father and in his place, is his evil twin. I don’t know how to describe it. I thought maybe he was on drugs, or had mental health issues. It’s just as you described – extreme sociopath and narcissist. After two and a half months of him denying anything was going on, he tells me he was abused at age 11 by a teenage boy. And went on to say he has suffered because of this. Two weeks after that, he tells me he slept with some man he hooked-up with. Here we are 7 months later – he’s back over the road with his 6th job of the year, and sends a text to me (I haven’t heard from him in 3 days) that he has a serious porn addiction but loves me and our family. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!
He has managed to destroy our marriage, and our happy home. Our two grown daughters no longer know their father, and truthfully, they have lost respect for him. I am stronger than this…. I realized for a very long time that he was gaslighting me. I’m no dummy. The hurt and pain he has caused me is REAL. I’ve lost 25 lbs. and look like hell. HE BLAMED ME FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING – INCLUDING MAKING THINGS UP!!! He tried to use finances against me. I have owned and operated a successful business up till Covid. I’m just now getting back on my feet – yet he will use any tool against me!
From what I’ve read – chances are my husband has had plenty of escorts – regardless it be a man or a woman. Because I no longer know which way he swings. I’m very worried about STDs and STIs and since we have no health insurance ONCE AGAIN – I am enrolling in ACA to go get fully examined. I’m so disgusted with this man – and this is what I have to say….. I loved him with my whole being. I trusted him with my LIFE. It wasn’t good enough. He had choices, and this is where he’s at. He tries to justify his immoral and cruel behavior with ‘I was molested’. I will leave him at first opportunity. LADIES…. prepare yourself. Do not just sit back and do nothing, because chances are they will NEVER change. Be smarter, wiser, and lean on the few you can trust. But MOVE ON if you can!
Hi Christine,
I SO know these feelings you describe – very intimately. I remember feeling like it would never end, and it was such an emotional rollercoaster. For me, it did get to the point where it was more painful to stay than finally end the marriage, so I did, and if you know anything about our story with Been There Got Out, things are worlds different now.
If you decide to make the move and finally leave, please get in touch, as we focus on helping people navigate the legal system as they separate and divorce from people like this. In the meantime, much luck…it’s a terrifying time, but it’s your life and nobody deserves this kind of pain, especially you.
Lisa
Hi I would like some input on my situation. Today my now ex has came out to tell me he is addicted to porn. And recently we haven’t been intimate due to me being on my period. He confessed that last night he met up with an old Highschool friend and tried getting intimate but just ended in a make out session. My question is should I give him the benefit of the doubt and give him and opportunity to change or what?
Hi Mayra,
A good gauge is this – if your close friend came to you and said this, what advice would you give her? I think this depends on how much you are willing to put up with. These issues are never easy, and without more detail/discussion, it’s hard to know…
Lisa
I’m in much the same situation as all above.
For over 20years.
I’d caught him 22 years ago, I was meant to be out for lunch with the girls, got cancelled, went home and here he was!
The best of it was, he’d set up my 1st ever email account, knew my password etc, I started getting sent emails for porn!
I changed my password, it all stopped, then my 11 year old son, turning 12 ended up getting the same,,, I asked if anyone had his password, he said, dad asked me for it…
I told him to change it.
Anyhoo, after catching him, he did all the promises and said he’d seek help.!
Then 22nd Dec we were in bed and I turned round and here was the porn on his iPad!!!!!
I’d had my suspicion for a good few years, I even recorded him when I went to work???
I, for whatever reason never listened🙄….
Ends up every time I was out off he would go on his iPad!
But last November I swear he had cheated, this felt different from anything and I would have bet my life.
He can’t stick to the same story, he never has been able to, although he’s very intelligent…
The lads went to a club, but he went for food,,, I asked why he hadn’t text me like always.
He said, I didn’t want to waken you.
I replied, well I text you the night you got there to say I was off to bed, you then text me 2 hrs later saying you were in your room!
I’d called him the following day after his night out, he took ages to answer, when he did he said, Oh it’s you…. Wtf,,, I heard someone whisper, I asked him where he was,,,,
I’m physically sick, !!
I had to put a smile on my face over the festive period due to our boys and friends staying over throughout…
He has got an appointment to see a therapist but I don’t think this will work after reading some stuff.
I eventually screamed at him..
That’s a private matter, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WHEN IM NOT SLEEPING,,, couldn’t even wait me to sleep!!!!
I wish I knew. Almost 20 years together. He died from a rough but fast battle with metastasized small cell lung cancer 3 weeks ago. I opened his box of unopened bills etc. the week after. The credit card statements go back to 2021. He was spending $1000 to $3000 a month on onlyfans. One month was around $8000.
Then I found the chats on telegram. 2 different girls he was professing his love to. So there is perspective for any readers- He was 54, they are in their 20s. His daughter from previous marriage is 32 and I’m 43.
I thought he was being more distant, and intimacy between us was less and less since 2021 but he was over weight and had back problems.
I really had a breakdown when I found out but my friends are helping me deal and finding out that this is an addiction is definitely helping me with feeling like I was the reason why. And thinking he never loved me but we had so many happy memories and always said I love you. I actually took a leave of absence from work to care for him since we got diagnosed in July 2023. He kept doing the OF and talking to his GFs until October. I still can’t believe that he did this and hid it so well. I wish I opened up his mail sooner, but I trusted him, had no reason not to.
Thank you for letting me share,
Caitlin,
So sorry – I personally can relate to much of what you went through. It gets better with people helping you work through it, but it feels like such a betrayal.
Lisa