When the rejection is being driven by alienation, the answer is usually no – not in the sense of forcing painful contact, but in not giving up. Stepping back feels respectful, and with a securely attached child it often would be. But an alienated child is not expressing their own natural feelings; they are instead responding to the pressure they have been put under. Backing away confirms the story they are being told – that you do not really want them – and it removes the one thing that eventually reaches them: your steady, loving presence. You can honor their feelings without abandoning the relationship.
Why “just let the child decide” is bad advice here
You have probably heard it from friends, family, maybe even a professional: let them come around on their own time. With a child who is simply hurt by the divorce, that can make sense. With a child who is being turned against you, it can make things far worse.
A child in this position is stuck in a loyalty conflict. If they feel love or affection for you, they are made to feel disloyal to the other parent. So they push you away to relieve that pressure – and if you accept the push as their true preference, you have unintentionally taken a side in a fight they were forced into. Kids should not have to decide whether they see – and can be allowed to love – a parent; the whole point of a parenting schedule is to protect them from having to make that choice.
What “not giving up” actually looks like
Not giving up is not the same as forcing your way in or pressuring a resistant kid. It looks like staying reachable and steady while the pressure does its work on them, while succumbing to it yourself:
- Show up for your parenting time, even when it is awkward.
- Keep calling and texting, even when responses are short or absent.
- Attend their events, even if you are ignored.
- Keep sending cards and small gifts, even when they go unacknowledged.
Charlie McCready, a UK alienation coach who was himself alienated from his own kids for years, described what he has seen work:
The parents who eventually reunite are almost always the ones who never stopped trying. Even with no contact, they kept sending cards, showing up to events, making it clear they were still there. That consistency plants seeds.
The reason this works is subtler than it looks. Your child has been told that you do not care, that you gave up. Every sign that you are still there contradicts that story. Therapist Chelsey Brooke Cole, who works in narcissistic-abuse recovery, put it this way:
When you stay calm and don’t take the bait, you create cognitive dissonance for the child. They’ve been told you’re reactive, defensive, and difficult. But you’re not acting that way. Over time, that matters.
When the child pushes back to your face
At some point your child may tell you directly that they do not want to see you. Try not to argue, and you do not collapse. You can acknowledge the feeling, state your love simply, and leave the door open – something like: “I hear that you’re feeling [that way] right now, and I’m sorry this is so hard. But I love you, and I’m not going to give up on you. Even when it’s difficult, I’ll keep showing up.” You are not defending yourself or correcting the record ; you are being the steady one.
Where the line actually is
There is an important exception. If a child is refusing contact because of something you did that genuinely frightened or harmed them, that may be a real rupture that needs accountability and, often, professional help. Only you know which situation is yours. And because reduced or refused contact can turn into lost legal parenting time, this is also a point where strategy matters: keep documenting your consistent efforts, and get advice specific to your case. BTGO is not a law firm, and none of this is legal advice – these are patterns we see often, and the kind of situation our coaching helps parents think through. If that would help you, a discovery call is available. But you are completely free to use what is here at your discretion.
For a full plan – legally and relationally – see our complete parental alienation guide.
Frequently asked questions
If my child says they don’t want to see me, am I legally required to make them?
It depends on your court order and jurisdiction, so get advice specific to your case. But letting visits lapse can be used against you later as reduced parenting time, so document your consistent efforts to maintain contact even when your child resists.
Won’t forcing contact make my child resent me more?
Forcing painful, high-pressure contact can backfire — which is why “not giving up” is not about force. It is about staying reachable and steady: showing up, texting, attending events, without pressuring or guilt-tripping the child.
How is not giving up different from ignoring what my child wants?
You are honoring the feeling without accepting a decision they were pressured into. You acknowledge their emotions and never punish them for the rejection — but you keep the relationship’s door open, because an alienated child’s stated wish is not freely their own.
What if I’m not sure whether it’s alienation or a real reason to stay away?
If the child’s reasons are specific and tied to real, frightening behavior on your part, that is a rupture to take responsibility for, not to push through. If the reasons are vague, borrowed, or wildly out of proportion while the other parent undermines you, that points to alienation. A professional who understands high-conflict families can help you tell them apart.
How long does it take for a child to come back?
There is no set timeline, and it is rarely quick. Progress tends to be slow and non-linear, with kids often taking a step forward and then pulling back out of guilt. Consistency over months and years, not a single dramatic moment, is what tends to reach them.
Related: Signs your ex is turning the kids against you · all parental alienation answers · the complete parental alienation guide.
