If your child is being coached to lie to the evaluator, the answer is not to pressure your child in return. You counter it by documenting the pattern, making sure the evaluator understands the dynamic and the real possibility of coaching, and remaining someone who refuses to put the child in the middle. Evaluators who are alert to coaching look for rehearsed, borrowed, or age-inappropriate answers – so your calm contrast actually helps them see it.
Don’t counter-coach
It’s tempting to prep your child with your own version, but doing so puts them in exactly the bind you’re fighting against and can be discovered and used against you. The most powerful thing you can be, next to a coached child, is the parent who didn’t coach.
How coaching tends to show
Coached statements often sound rehearsed, use an adult’s vocabulary, rest on trivial or borrowed reasons, or swing to all-good/all-bad about each parent — the same markers that distinguish alienation from a child’s genuine feelings. A skilled evaluator probes for exactly this, which is why raising the possibility (appropriately) matters.
Make the evaluator aware — carefully
Through your attorney and your documentation, ensure the evaluator understands the high-conflict context and that coaching may be occurring — framed neutrally, around behavior and its effect on your child, not as an accusation of a personality disorder. Provide any factual examples (a child repeating an adult phrase word-for-word, for instance) rather than characterizations.
Protect the child through it
Keep being the low-pressure, drama-free parent who doesn’t interrogate them about the evaluation. That steadiness is both the right thing for your child and, over time, part of what an evaluator notices.
For more on how coaching and alienation intersect, see how much weight a child’s preference gets and the signs of alienation, as well as handling this without harming your child is exactly what BTGO coaches; a discovery call is available, and you are free to use what is here at your own discretion.
Frequently asked questions
What do I do if my child is being coached to lie to the evaluator?
Don’t coach your child in return. Document the pattern, make sure the evaluator understands the high-conflict dynamic and the possibility of coaching (framed around behavior, not diagnosis), and keep being the parent who doesn’t put the child in the middle.
How can an evaluator tell if a child was coached?
Coached statements often sound rehearsed, use adult vocabulary, rest on trivial or borrowed reasons, or swing to all-good/all-bad about each parent. Skilled evaluators probe for exactly these markers, which is why raising the possibility appropriately helps.
Should I prepare my child for the custody evaluation?
Reassure them and keep it low-pressure, but don’t script their answers. Counter-coaching puts your child in the same bind you’re fighting and can be discovered and used against you. Being the parent who didn’t coach is powerful.
How do I tell the evaluator my ex is coaching our child?
Through your attorney and documentation, framed neutrally around behavior and its effect on the child rather than as an accusation of a disorder. Provide factual examples, like a child repeating an adult phrase word-for-word, instead of characterizations.
Will coaching hurt my child?
Being pressured to take sides is a real burden for a child. You protect them by not adding to it: don’t interrogate them about the evaluation or make them carry the conflict. That steadiness helps your child and is something evaluators tend to notice.
Related: all custody-evaluation answers · parental alienation answers
