My Ex Is Turning My Kids Against Me: How to Recognize What’s Happening and What You Can Do About It

If you’re reading this right now, there’s a good chance you’re scared out of your mind.

Your kid—the one who used to climb all over you for hugs,who couldn’t wait to tell you about their day—something’s changed. Maybe it’s been gradual, or maybe it feels like somebody flipped a switch overnight. But now when they’re at your place, they’re…different. Distant. Sometimes downright hostile.

And here’s the part that’s really messing with your head: the words coming out of your child’s mouth aren’t theirs—they’re complaints and criticisms that you know came from your ex. When you try to talk about it, they shut down completely. Or even worse, they tell you they don’t want to see you anymore.

And you’ve got this sinking feeling in your gut that your ex is behind this, and it probably even started long before this moment.

Here’s what we need you to know: You’re not imagining this. You’re not being paranoid. And you are definitely not the only one experiencing it.

What you’re confronting has a name—parental alienation—and it’s one of the most brutal dynamics that can happen before, during and/or after a high-conflict separation. It’s when one parent systematically undermines the other parent’s relationship with their kids through manipulation and straight-up psychological warfare.

Your child is being taught—actively programmed—to reject you. And the parent doing it probably knows exactly what they’re doing.

This article is going to help you recognize what’s happening, understand why your ex is doing this (spoiler: it’s not actually about your parenting), and most importantly, give you a roadmap for what to do next. Because here’s the truth we need you to hold onto right now: your bond with your kid is way stronger than you think, and this situation isn’t hopeless.

Let’s start with naming what’s happening.

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What You’re Probably Experiencing Right Now

Something has shifted in your relationship with your kid, and you can’t quite put your finger on when it started. But you know this isn’t just normal “divorce adjustment” stuff. This feels different. Deliberate.

Here’s what a lot of parents describe when they first reach out to us:

Your kid has turned into a different person during your parenting time. The child who used to be excited about weekends with you now complains about coming over. They might sulk the whole time, refuse to leave their room, or spend every visit glued to their phone. When you suggest things you used to love doing together, you get eye-rolls or “I don’t really like that anymore.”

They’re repeating your ex’s exact words and opinions. When you hear your child talk, it’s like your ex’s voice is coming out of their mouth.Your eight-year-old is suddenly calling you “toxic.” Your teenager is listing all your failures using phrases that sound way too much like things your ex said during your marriage. Unsettling is an understatement.

They can’t actually explain why they’re angry. Ask them what’s wrong or what you did to make them upset, and the reasons are either vague, completely contradictory, or ridiculously out of proportion to whatever they’re complaining about. “You make sandwiches wrong.” “You always embarrass me.” “I just don’t feel safe here.” Nothing concrete you can actually address.

They’re refusing contact or making up excuses to stay away. Your calls to them go straight to voicemail. Texts get one-word responses if you’re lucky. FaceTime attempts are painful and brief. They suddenly have conflicts every single time it’s your parenting time—a school project, a friend’s party, practice that somehow always falls on your weekend.

Everything is black and white. Your ex is perfect and you are evil. There’s suddenly no middle ground, no acknowledgment of any of the good times you’ve had together. It’s like your entire relationship history got rewritten, and you’re the villain in a story you don’t even recognize.

Your ex is somehow encouraging this. When your kid refuses to see you, your ex doesn’t help make the visit happen. When your kid says cruel things about you, your ex doesn’t correct them. Actually, your ex might be the one telling you about these rejections, and there’s something in their tone that sounds almost…pleased about it.

You feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re second-guessing yourself constantly. Are you remembering things wrong? Is this somehow your fault? Meanwhile, everyone around you—friends, family, even some professionals—keeps telling you to “just give it time” or “let the child decide,” which makes you feel even more alone and completely misunderstood.

Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head as you read this, you’re in the right place.

What’s Actually Happening Has a Name: Parental Alienation

The pattern you’re seeing—where one parent systematically undermines the other parent’s relationship with the kids—is called parental alienation. It also may be referred to as “abuse by proxy,” “child rejection” or “poisoning the well.”

It’s not just “difficult” co-parenting, no matter what anyone tries to tell you.

Parental alienation is when your ex deliberately messes with your child’s perception of you, actively working to damage or destroy your relationship.

This happens through a whole toolbox of tactics: badmouthing you to the kids, interfering with your contact, creating loyalty conflicts, and programming your child to see you as the “bad parent” while positioning themselves as the “good” or “safe” one.

This Isn’t Just “Normal” Divorce Adjustment

We work with parents going through terrible separations all the time, and we can tell you there’s a huge difference between a kid struggling with divorce pain and a kid being actively manipulated against a parent.

In a tough but healthy divorce:

• Kids are sad, angry, confused—all normal stuff
• They might act out or test boundaries with both parents
• They express mixed feelings about the divorce
• They can still remember good times with both parents
• Once they settle in, they can enjoy time with each parent
• Both parents try to shield the kids from conflict

When alienation is happening:

• A child completely sides with one parent against the other 
• They show extreme, unwavering negativity toward one parent
• They can’t recall any positive experiences with you
• Their reasons for rejecting you are vague, trivial, or clearly borrowed from the other parent
• The “favored” parent does nothing to repair the relationship—or actively undermines it
• The child shows zero guilt about being cruel to you

See the difference? One is a child processing difficult emotions. The other is a child being taught what to think and feel as a form of rejection.

Why This Term Matters (Even Though It’s Controversial)

We need to be straight with you: the term “parental alienation” is controversial, and you’ll run into people—even professionals—who reject it completely.

Here’s why that is, and why we still use it.

The controversy comes from cases where “parental alienation” has been weaponized by actual abusers to dismiss legitimate concerns about their behavior. An abusive parent might claim their kid is being “alienated” when really the kid is justifiably afraid of them because of things that parent did.

This misuse has created a strong backlash. Some advocacy groups argue that parental alienation is a myth used to silence protective parents and give abusers access to kids they’ve harmed.

We get that concern. It’s valid. We take it seriously.

But here’s what we know after years of working with parents in these situations: the behavior is absolutely real. We’ve seen it over and over. We’ve watched parents systematically poison their kids’ minds against the other parent. Kids who had secure, loving relationships suddenly turn hostile for no justifiable reason, over and over. And we’ve watched those relationships fall apart—sometimes completely—because of one parent’s calculated campaign of terrorism.

Rejecting the term doesn’t make these situations disappear. It just leaves targeted parents without language to describe what’s happening to them.

So we use the term, but we use it carefully. And we’re going to help you understand the difference between parental alienation and justified estrangement, because that distinction matters enormously.

Alienation vs. Justified Estrangement: The Critical Difference

Justified estrangement is when a child’s rejection is based on that parent’s actual harmful behavior—abuse, neglect, addiction, emotional unavailability, whatever. In these cases, the child’s feelings match the parent’s actions, their reasons are specific and detailed, and their rejection is about self-protection.

Parental alienation is when a child’s rejection isn’t based on your behavior, but on systematic manipulation by the other parent. The child’s reasons for rejecting you are vague or irrational, their feelings way out of proportion to anything you actually did, and they’ve been programmed to see one parent as all bad and the other as all good.

Here’s a hard truth: if you’ve genuinely been abusive, neglectful, or harmful to your child, their rejection isn’t alienation—it’s them protecting themselves. In that case, your path forward is about taking accountability, getting help, and doing the work to change.

But if you’ve been a loving, present, engaged parent—if your relationship was healthy before the separation—and now they suddenly hate you for reasons they can’t explain while your ex is actively undermining you? That’s alienation.

This article is for parents dealing with real alienation. If you’re not sure which one applies to you, we’ll help you figure that out. But for now, let’s assume you’re here because you know in your gut that your ex is working against you.

Let’s now talk about how they’re actually doing it.

The 17 Ways Your Ex Might Be Doing This (Often Without You Even Knowing)

Parental alienation doesn’t usually happen through one big dramatic event. It happens through a pattern of behaviors—some obvious, many subtle—that pile up over time to erode your relationship with your kid.

Your ex might be doing some of these deliberately and consciously. Others might be happening more subconsciously, driven by their unresolved anger, a need for control, or their own psychological issues. Either way, the effect on your child is the same.

Here are 17 specific tactics alienating parents use. Pay attention to which ones feel familiar. Three or more is a serious red flag. Six or more means you’re in crisis mode and need to take action immediately.

1. Badmouthing and Poisonous Messages About You

Your ex talks trash about you to or around your child—sometimes openly, sometimes through “subtle” comments that plant seeds of doubt.

What this looks like:

• Calling you names: “Your dad is so selfish,” or “Your mom doesn’t really love you”
• Blaming you for the divorce: “We’d still be a family if your father hadn’t…”
• Sharing inappropriate details: infidelity, money problems, intimate stuff kids have no business hearing
• Making guilt-inducing comments disguised as sympathy: “I’m sorry you have to go visit your mom this weekend”
• Comparing you unfavorably: “Well, that’s not how we do things at MY house”

Example: Your 10-year-old says, “Mom says you have no empathy.” This is clearly not the child’s language—it’s Mom’s opinion, repeated word-for-word.

2. Interfering With Communication and Contact

Your ex makes it difficult or impossible for you to communicate with your kid, even when you have every legal right to.

What this looks like:

• Not answering during your designated phone call or FaceTimes
• Telling the child they “don’t have to” talk to you if they don’t want to
• Blocking your number from the kid’s phone
• Monitoring every conversation between you and your child

Example: You call at your agreed-upon time every Tuesday and Thursday. Half the time, nobody answers. When you do reach your kid, they’re monosyllabic and want to hang up ASAP. Your ex later explains, “They just don’t want to talk to you.”

3. Withholding Important Information

Your ex keeps you in the dark about major stuff in your child’s life—medical appointments, school events, activities, academic progress.

What this looks like:

• Putting their own name in only for school contact information
• Taking your contact information off email chains regarding your kid’s extracurricular activity schedules
• Making therapy or medication decisions without consulting you when you share legal decision-making
• Scheduling medical appointments without your knowledge or input when you share legal decision-making

Example: You show up for your kid’s recital, only to find out it had been rescheduled to last week. Your ex says, “Oh, I thought you were on the list” after they removed you from the chain of communication with the instructor. Things like this happen repeatedly, but somehow it’s always an “accident.”

Why this matters: When you don’t show up to important things because you weren’t notified about them, your child internalizes that you don’t care. They don’t know you were never informed.

4. Interrogating Your Child About Their Time With You

Your ex grills your kid about everything that happens at your house, treating your parenting time like something that needs surveillance and reporting.

What this looks like:

• Asking detailed questions: “What did you eat? What time did you go to bed? Who else was there?”
• Looking for ammunition: “Did Daddy’s girlfriend stay over?” “Does Mom let you watch R-rated movies?”
• Making the kid feel guilty for having fun: “Oh, that sounds fun. I guess you like being there better than here.”

Example: Your 12-year-old seems anxious every time they come back from your place. Eventually they admit: “Mom always asks me a million questions about what we did. And if I say we had fun, she gets upset.”

Why this matters: Your kid starts feeling like a traitor. They can’t enjoy time with you without fearing the interrogation—and the disapproval—that’ll follow.

5. Creating Secrets, Special Signals, and “Code Words”

Your ex establishes a private language or special rituals between them and your child that excludes you and reinforces an “us versus them” dynamic.

What this looks like:

• Inside jokes specifically designed to exclude you or mock you
• Special hand signals or phrases that mean “Are you okay?” (as if you’re a threat)
• Passwords or code words the kid should use if they “need to be rescued” from you
• Distractions that happen right before or after your parenting time (undermining transitions)
• Secrets your kid is told not to mention to you

Example: Your kid keeps checking their phone to text their other parent during your time together. When you ask about it, they say, “Mom just wants to make sure I’m okay.” The implication? That they might not be okay with you.

6. Using Your Child as a Spy or Messenger

Your ex uses your kid to gather intel about your life or to deliver messages your ex should be communicating directly.

What this looks like:

• Asking the kid to report on your new romantic relationships
• Using the kid to convey demands: “Tell your dad he owes me child support.”
• Fishing for information about your finances: “Did Mom buy a new car?”
• Rewarding the kid emotionally when they provide information

Example: Your 14-year-old daughter suddenly starts asking questions about your girlfriend—questions that are obviously coming from her mother. When she reports back, Mom files a motion to modify custody, citing “inappropriate behavior.”

Why this matters: This puts your child in an impossible position. They’re being forced to betray one parent to please the other, which creates tremendous guilt and anxiety.

7. Giving Your Child Choices When There Is A Legal Agreement or Order

Your ex asks your kid if they want to visit you, even though the court order has a clear schedule, setting up your kid (and you) for conflict.

What this looks like:

• Making your kid the decision-maker about parenting time: “Do you want to go to Dad’s this weekend, or would you rather stay here?” or “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to—I’ll call your mom and tell her you’re not coming”
• Allowing the kid to skip visits based on their “preference”
• Failing to enforce the parenting schedule

Example: Your ex texts you: “Emma says she doesn’t want to come this weekend. I’m not going to force her.” When this becomes a pattern, you’re blamed for “not spending time” with your kid—even though your ex is sabotaging the visits.

Why this matters: Kids should hot have to decide whether they see a parent. It invites manipulation. The court order exists specifically to protect kids from having to make that choice.

8. Making Plans During Your Parenting Time to Compete for Affection

Your ex schedules special activities, outings, or events during your designated time, forcing your kid to choose.

What this looks like:

• Planning a fun trip that overlaps with your weekend
• Scheduling your kid’s birthday party during your parenting time (without asking you)
• Buying tickets to a concert or game your kid has been excited about, on your day
• Suggesting a sleepover with friends when they’re supposed to be with you
• Dangling attractive alternatives: “You’re supposed to be at your dad’s, but I was thinking we could go to the water park…”

Example: Your son’s 10th birthday falls on your weekend. Your ex plans an elaborate party at an amusement park for that Saturday—without consulting you—and then tells your son he can choose where he wants to be. You’re the bad guy if you insist on your time, but you lose your son’s birthday if you don’t.

Why this matters: This isn’t about what’s best for the kid. It’s about making you look like the less fun, less generous, less important parent.

9. Refusing to Be Flexible or Compromise

Your ex rigidly sticks to the parenting schedule when it benefits them but expects flexibility from you. They make co-parenting as difficult as humanly possible.

What this looks like:

• Won’t switch weekends even for something important (your parent’s funeral, a family reunion)
• Demands makeup time from you for every minute you’re late, but doesn’t offer the same
• Refuses to coordinate schedules for your kid’s benefit

Example: You ask to switch weekends so your child can attend their grandmother’s 80th birthday party (at your family’s celebration). Your ex refuses: “That’s your weekend, not mine.” Two weeks later, your ex demands you take the kids overnight on their day because they have “plans.”

10. Telling Your Child “Everything” About the Marriage and Divorce

Your ex shares inappropriate adult information with your kid under the guise of “being honest” or “not keeping secrets,” but the real goal is to make you look bad.

What this looks like:

• Explaining in detail why the marriage ended (infidelity, finances, intimate issues)
• Sharing their emotional pain in ways that burden the kid
• Revealing adult conflicts and legal disputes
• Discussing child support or alimony negotiations
• Framing themselves as the victim and you as the villain

Example: Your 8-year-old says, “Mom told me you had an affair and bought her so much expensive jewelry that now we can’t afford a house where I have my own room.” This is information no young child should be carrying around—but your ex is “just being honest.”

Why this matters: Kids aren’t equipped to process adult relationship dynamics. Sharing this stuff doesn’t help them understand—it traumatizes them and positions you as the criminal in a story they’re too young to comprehend.

11. Blaming You for Everything That Goes Wrong

Your ex uses you as a scapegoat for every disappointment, limitation, or problem in your child’s life.

What this looks like:

• “You can’t have X because your dad doesn’t pay enough child support.”
• “We had to move because your mom took all the money.”
• “I’d let you do that activity, but your father won’t agree to it.”
• “Sorry we can’t go on vacation—your mom is too difficult to deal with.”
• Making themselves the martyr and you the source of all hardship

Example: Your kid wants a new gaming system. Your ex says, “I’d buy it for you, but your dad’s child support doesn’t cover extras like that.” (In reality, your child support is exactly what the court calculated, and your ex chooses how to spend it.)

Why this matters: Your child starts seeing you as the reason for every “no,” every disappointment, every limitation. You become the obstacle to their happiness.

12. Undermining Your Authority as a Parent

Your ex makes it clear to your kid that they are the “real” parent whose rules matter, and that whatever you say is negotiable or invalid.

What this looks like:

• Contradicting your rules: “You don’t have to do that at Dad’s house if you don’t want to.”
• Allowing behavior you don’t allow: “That’s a silly rule Mom has.”
• Making unilateral decisions: “I don’t care what your father says, you’re doing it anyway.”
• Dismissing your parenting choices
• Positioning themselves as the only parent whose opinion matters

Example: You have a rule that your 13-year-old daughter isn’t allowed on social media yet. Your ex sets her up with accounts anyway: “Your mom is just being overprotective. You’re old enough.” Your authority has been completely undermined.

13. Fostering Unhealthy Dependence

Your ex wants your kid to need them—and only them—creating an emotionally enmeshed, dependent relationship that excludes you.

What this looks like:

• Treating an age-appropriate kid as much younger than they are
• Positioning themselves as the only safe person
• Making the kid feel guilty for not needing them constantly
• Discouraging independence or self-sufficiency

Example: Your 11-year-old son is perfectly capable of sleeping over at a friend’s house, but your ex has convinced him he can’t sleep well without her there. When he’s with you, he’s anxious and calls her multiple times. She reinforces it: “I know it’s hard to be away from Mommy. Just two more sleeps and you’ll be home.”

Why this matters: Part of your job as a parent is helping your kid become independent and confident. Fostering dependence is the opposite—it’s about keeping the kid emotionally tethered to one parent and unable to bond securely with you – or anyone else.

14. Reacting Negatively When Your Child Enjoys Time With You

Your ex punishes your kid—emotionally or otherwise—for having a positive relationship with you.

What this looks like:

• Getting cold or withdrawn when your kid talks positively about you
• Making guilt-inducing comments: “Well, I guess you love your dad more than me”
• Subtle (or not subtle) disapproval when the kid mentions fun stuff at your house
• Asking questions designed to find negatives: “But didn’t anything bad happen?”
• Emotional volatility that the kid learns to avoid by not expressing affection for you

Example: Your daughter comes home from your weekend and excitedly tells her mom about the concert you took her to. Her mom goes silent, then says, “Must be nice to have money for concerts when I’m here struggling to buy groceries.” Your daughter learns not to share good experiences with you.

Why this matters: Your kid starts associating you with their other parent’s pain. They learn that loving you means hurting your ex, which creates an impossible bind. They cope by suppressing positive feelings about you.

15. Exposing Your Child to New Romantic Partners Too Quickly

Your ex introduces your kid to new partners way too soon, sometimes positioning that person as a replacement for you.

What this looks like:

• Introducing a new partner within weeks of separation
• Moving a new partner in quickly
• Encouraging the kid to call the new partner “Mom” or “Dad”
• Prioritizing the new partner’s presence over your parenting time
• Using the new partner to further exclude you

Example: Three months after your separation, your ex’s new boyfriend is living in the house and attending all your kid’s soccer games. Your kid refers to him as “my soon-to-be dad” and your ex posts photos on social media of “our new happy family.”

16. Encouraging Your Child to Choose a New Last Name or Suggesting Adoption

In severe cases, your ex suggests that your kid change their name or that a new partner adopt them, explicitly trying to erase you from your child’s identity.

What this looks like:

• Asking if the kid wants to use only your ex’s last name
• Suggesting a step-parent adoption while you’re still actively involved
• Filling out school forms with only your ex’s name
• Framing this as the kid’s idea or preference

Example: Your ex remarries and tells your 9-year-old son that his new stepdad “wants to adopt you so we can really be a family.” You’re still very much in your kid’s life, paying child support, exercising your parenting time—but your ex is already trying to write you out of the story.

17. Making Rules About What Your Child Can and Can’t Bring to Your House

Your ex creates arbitrary rules that suggest your home is inferior or that your kid needs “protection” from you.

What this looks like:

• Kid can’t bring favorite toys, clothes, or devices to your house
• “Security objects” (stuffed animals, blankets) have to stay at your ex’s house
• Your ex sends your kid to you in old, ratty clothes but expects them returned in nice outfits
• Kid has to leave gifts you gave them at your ex’s house
• Your ex tells the kid they can’t keep photos of you at the “main” house

Example: Your 7-year-old shows up for the weekend with none of the comfort items they usually sleep with. When you ask about it, they say, “Mom says those are her things and they stay at her house.” The message is crystal clear: your house isn’t really their home

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If you recognized your situation in multiple examples above, you’re probably dealing with parental alienation. The more tactics your ex is using, the more urgent your situation is.

But before you panic, take a breath. Recognizing the problem is actually the first step toward solving it. Now we need to understand why your ex is doing this—because that understanding is going to guide your response.

Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone!

Why Your Ex Is Doing This (It’s Not About the Kids)

One of the most painful parts of dealing with parental alienation is trying to wrap your head around why your ex—someone you once loved, someone you thought you knew—would deliberately hurt your kids just to hurt you.

The short answer? Parental alienation isn’t about what’s best for your children. It’s about your ex’s unresolved emotions and psychological needs.

Let’s be really clear about something: this isn’t happening because you’re a bad parent. This is happening because your ex has:

• An overwhelming need for control
• Unresolved anger about the end of your relationship
• A fragile ego that requires them to be seen as the “good” parent
• A win-at-all-costs mentality about the divorce
• Potentially, an underlying personality disorder (narcissistic traits are super common)

In a lot of cases, your ex is so focused on winning and on punishing you that they either can’t see or don’t care that they’re damaging your kids in the process.

Here’s what’s typically driving this:

Control and Revenge: Whether You Left Them or Not

For many alienating parents, your separation was a massive injury to their ego that they just can’t tolerate. Whether you initiated the divorce or they did, if they feel like you didn’t give them the relationship they wanted, they’re driven by a need to:

• Punish you for leaving
• Make you pay for their pain
• Maintain control over you even after the relationship ended
• Prove that you made a mistake by rejecting them

They know nothing hurts you more than losing your relationship with your kids. So that’s exactly where they aim.

Attorney Ashish Joshi, who specializes in these cases, told us:

“The kids become collateral damage in a war the alienating parent is waging…They’re so consumed with revenge that they lose sight of the fact that they’re harming their own children.“

“Winning” the Divorce: It’s a Competition They Must Win

Some alienating exes see divorce as a contest—and they’ll do anything to “win.” To them, this means:

• Coming out on top in the eyes of friends, family, and the community
• Getting primary custody, the house, assets, and the most favorable financial settlement
• Getting the kids to choose them
• Overall, making you look bad

They’re literally keeping score. And in their minds, having the kids reject you is the ultimate victory.

Dr. Josh Coleman, who has studied estrangement and alienation extensively, explained it this way:

“Some parents genuinely believe they’re protecting their children, but often they’re really protecting their own image of themselves as the better parent. They need the kids to validate their narrative—that the other parent is bad and they are good.“

Ego Protection: They Need to Be the “Good” Parent

A lot of alienating parents have a profound need to be seen as the superior parent—the one the kids prefer, the one who sacrifices everything. Your existence as equally important threatens that identity.

If you’re a good parent, it diminishes their specialness. They need to be the hero of the story, which means you have to be the villain.

This is especially common when the alienating parent has narcissistic traits. They:

• Need constant validation and admiration (especially from the kids)
• View relationships in zero-sum terms (your gain is their loss)
• Lack empathy for how their behavior affects the children
• Can’t tolerate being seen as anything less than perfect

Displaced Anger: They Can’t Process Their Own Pain

Sometimes alienating behavior comes from an inability to process the grief and anger of divorce in a healthy way. Your ex might be:

• Acting out unresolved trauma from their own childhood
• Unable to separate their pain from their parenting
• Drowning in bitterness and resentment that colors everything
• Unable to distinguish between their feelings about you as a partner and you as a parent

This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does explain it. They’re consumed by their own emotions and instead of doing the hard work of healing, they’re displacing their pain onto you—and using the kids to do it.

The Uncomfortable Truth: Some Exes Know Exactly What They’re Doing

In some cases—and this is the hardest one to accept—the alienation is calculated and deliberate. Your ex does understand the psychological impact of what they’re doing. They know it’ll hurt you and damage your relationship with your kids, but they’re doing it anyway. Because hurting you is more important to them than protecting your children.

Family law attorney Billie Tarascio has seen this pattern over and over: “There are parents who wake up every day thinking about how they can make their ex’s life miserable. And they’re willing to sacrifice their children’s well-being to do it. It’s shocking, but it’s real.”

This is hard to accept. But you need to understand it, because it informs your strategy. You can’t reason with someone like this. You can’t appeal to their better nature or remind them what’s best for the kids, because they’ve decided that punishing you matters more.

The bottom line: This isn’t about you or your parenting. This is about your ex’s psychological dysfunction and/or emotional immaturity. Understanding that doesn’t make it hurt less, but it does help you stop wondering what’s wrong with you.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You just had a kid with someone who’s willing to hurt them to hurt you.

Now let’s talk about what this is doing to your child—because ultimately, that’s who we’re really fighting for here.

What This Is Doing to Your Child (The Heartbreaking Part)

Here’s the truth you may already know but are terrified to fully face: your child is the primary victim here, not you.

Yes, you’re suffering. The pain of being rejected by your own kid is excruciating. But you’re an adult with resources, coping skills, and the ability to get support. Your kid doesn’t have those tools yet. They’re caught in a psychological trap they don’t understand, being manipulated by a parent they’re biologically wired to trust.

And the damage this is causing them is going to echo through their entire life if it’s not addressed.

The Immediate Effects You Might Be Seeing

Kids experiencing parental alienation often show:

Anxiety and hypervigilance. Your kid is constantly monitoring both parents’ reactions, trying to figure out how to keep the peace (which usually means pleasing the alienating parent). They’re walking on eggshells, terrified of being disloyal.

Depression and hopelessness. Especially in kids old enough to recognize the manipulation, there’s a profound sadness about losing their relationship with you. Some kids describe feeling trapped with no way out.

Confusion and cognitive dissonance. Your child loves you and has positive memories with you, but they’re being told you’re bad. This creates an internal conflict that’s deeply distressing. Young kids often resolve this by just suppressing the positive feelings. Older kids might recognize what’s going on, but feel powerless to resist it.

Loyalty conflicts and guilt. If your child does enjoy time with you or expresses affection for you, they feel like they’re betraying their other parent. A lot of kids describe this as feeling like they have to choose between the two of you, which kids should never, ever have to do.

Behavioral changes. You might see:

• Regression, like bedwetting, clinginess, or baby talk
• Aggression or oppositional behavior
• Difficulty with authority figures
• Problems at school
• Social withdrawal
• All-over-the-place emotional volatility

Identity confusion. Kids develop their sense of self through their relationships with both parents. When that relationship gets poisoned or severed, it creates this void in their identity. They don’t know who they are in relation to half of their family.

The Long-Term Effects: What Research Shows

If alienation isn’t addressed, the effects don’t go away, because kids don’t just “grow out of this.”

Research on adults who experienced parental alienation as kids consistently shows:

Mental health struggles:

• Low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy
• Higher rates of depression and anxiety disorders
• Post-traumatic stress symptoms
• Higher risk of substance abuse
• Suicidal ideation

A comprehensive study in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage found that 90% of adults who were alienated from a parent in childhood reported significant mental health difficulties that they directly attributed to the alienation, including:

Relationship dysfunction:

• Trouble with intimacy and emotional vulnerability
• Difficulty forming secure attachments
• Trust issues and fear of abandonment
• Patterns of unhealthy or toxic relationships
• Higher divorce rates in their own marriages

Distorted thinking patterns:

• Black-and-white thinking (people are all good or all bad)
• Difficulty seeing situations from multiple perspectives
• Problems with empathy
• A tendency toward manipulation in their own relationships

Identity issues:

• Difficulty making independent decisions
• Not knowing who they are or what they value
• Feeling like they never fully separated from the alienating parent
• “Empty depression”—this sense of hollowness and lack of authentic self

Intergenerational transmission:

• Many adult children of alienation go on to experience alienation in their own families—either being alienated themselves or alienating their own kids
• They repeat patterns they learned, often without even realizing it

The Worst of It

The most painful thing about all of this is that your child doesn’t understand what’s happening to them.

Young kids believe what they’re told. They tend to trust their parents completely. If the alienating parent says you’re bad, they accept it as truth—even when it contradicts their own positive experiences with you.

Older kids might recognize the manipulation intellectually, but they’re trapped. They know that expressing love for you will upset their other parent, or that defending you will create conflict. So they go along with it, even though it makes them feel conflicted inside.

Some alienated kids describe it as being forced to sacrifice one relationship to maintain the other. That’s an impossible burden for a child to carry.

One young adult described it to us this way: “I spent my entire childhood trying to figure out who I was supposed to love and who I was supposed to hate. It consumed me. I didn’t have space to just be a kid.”

But Here’s What You Need to Know: It’s Not Too Late

The research on this is clear, and it’s the most important thing we can tell you: the parent-child bond is incredibly resilient.

Even when a kid has been severely alienated—even when they claim to hate you and want nothing to do with you—that bond still exists underneath. It’s wounded, for sure. It’s been buried under layers of manipulation and fear. But it’s still there.

Your child still needs you, even if they can’t acknowledge it right now. They still love you, even if they’ve been programmed to hide it. And with the right approach—both legally and relationally—these relationships can heal.

We’ve seen it happen. We’ve worked with parents who went months or even years with little to no contact, and who eventually rebuilt meaningful relationships with their kids. But it’s certainly not easy. It takes time, strategy, patience, and a tremendous amount of emotional resilience on your part.

But it is possible.

That’s why you can’t give up. Your child needs you to see through the manipulation, to understand that their rejection isn’t really about you, and to keep showing up for them—even when it’s brutal.

We know how overwhelming this is. You’re trying to figure out how to protect your child, save your relationship, and not fall apart in the process.

That’s exactly why we’re writing our book on parental alienation—to give you a comprehensive roadmap through this nightmare.

Join the waitlist, and you’ll get:

• Early notification when the book launches
• Exclusive access to preview chapters
• Free resources to help you right now
• A community of parents who understand what you’re going through

You’re Probably Feeling All of This Right Now

Before we get into the practical stuff, let’s just acknowledge what you’re going through emotionally. Because all of this is completely normal:

You feel desperate and helpless, like you’re losing your child and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

You’re angry, furious at your ex for doing this. Irate at professionals who don’t seem to get it. Outraged at the system that’s failing to protect your kid.

You feel guilty,  wondering if somehow this is your fault. Did you miss warning signs? Could you have prevented this? Should you have just stayed in the relationship?

You’re terrified. What if this is permanent, and your child never comes back? What if they grow up hating you?

You feel isolated, because friends and family don’t understand. Some have pulled away because they don’t know how to help, and you feel completely alone in this nightmare.

All of these feelings are valid. You’re having a healthy emotional response to an abnormal, traumatic situation.

But here’s what we need you to understand: You can’t afford to let these emotions drive your actions. Your ex wants you to react from this place—to lash out, to look unstable. That plays right into their narrative.

What your child needs from you right now is:

• Consistent, loving presence
• Calm strength
• Strategic thinking
• Emotional regulation
• The confidence that you can handle this

You can fall apart in therapy. You can rage to your friends. You can cry yourself to sleep at night. But when you’re interacting with your child, with professionals, with the court? You need to be the steady one.

And this is a marathon, not a sprint.

The Most Important Thing to Know: Your Bond Is Stronger Than You Think

Let’s talk about attachment for a second, because understanding this will give you hope.

From the moment your child was born, they were wired to connect with you. That biological bond—the attachment between parent and child—is one of the strongest forces in human psychology. It’s literally fundamental to human survival.

That bond doesn’t just disappear because your ex is talking trash about you. It gets buried, suppressed, distorted—but it’s still there.

Think about it this way: your ex is working incredibly hard to damage your relationship with your child. If that bond were naturally weak or easily broken, they wouldn’t need to work so hard. The very intensity of their campaign is evidence of how strong your relationship really is.

Your child is resisting their own love for you because they’ve been taught that loving you is dangerous, disloyal, or wrong. But that love is still there.

Your job is to protect that bond and keep the door open for your child to reconnect when they’re ready.

Here’s what we know from research and from years of working with clients:

Kids eventually recognize manipulation. As they grow and mature, they gain perspective. Many adult children who were alienated in childhood eventually see what happened and reconnect with the targeted parent. Although not always, this happens way more often than you might think.

Your consistent presence matters. Even when your child is pushing you away, the fact that you stay calm and loving, keep showing up and don’t give up on them—they’re absorbing that. It’s creating cognitive dissonance with what they’re being told about you. And that dissonance plants seeds of doubt in the alienating parent’s narrative.

Small moments of connection add up. Even in the middle of alienation, there are usually brief moments when your child lets their guard down—a shared laugh, a good conversation, a time when they seem like themselves again. Those are real. They’re glimpses of your actual relationship, and matter a lot.

The truth has a way of emerging. The patterns of alienation are hard to hide long-term. Eventually, your ex’s behavior may become apparent to others—teachers, coaches, therapists, maybe even the court. And when professionals start to see it, they can intervene.

This is why we talk about the marathon mindset. You’re not going to fix this in a week, and probably not in a month. But with the right strategies, support, and persistence, you can preserve and eventually restore your relationship with your child.

What You Can Do Right Now (Legal and Strategies Out of Court)

Okay, so now you’ve recognized what’s happening and why your ex is doing this. You can grasp what’s at stake for your child.

Now what?

Here’s the deal: you need a two-track approach. You need to protect your legal rights and build a case for potential court intervention (track one), while simultaneously strengthening your relationship with your child through strategic parenting (track two).

Neither track alone will solve this. Court orders can mandate parenting time, but they can’t force a positive relationship. And a strong relationship with your child won’t protect you if your ex successfully reduces or eliminates your parenting time.

You need both. And you need to start now.

First: STOP Doing These Things Immediately

Before we talk about what to do, let’s talk about what NOT to do—because these common reactions will make your situation worse:

1. Don’t badmouth your ex to your child (no matter how much you want to).

We know your ex is saying terrible things about you. Every fiber of your being wants to defend yourself and tell your child the truth about who your ex really is and what they’re doing.

Don’t.

When you badmouth your ex, you:

• Put your child in the middle of adult conflict
• Force them to defend their other parent
• Model the same toxic behavior you’re fighting against
• Give your ex ammunition (“See? Your mom/dad talks badly about me too!“)
• Make your child feel like they have to choose

Instead, when your child repeats negative things your ex has said about you, try:

• “If you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen.”
• “That must be so confusing to hear. I’m really sorry you’re in the middle of this.”
• “I love you, and nothing will change that.”

Taking the high road can be excruciating, but it’s essential.

2. Don’t interrogate your child about what happens at your ex’s house.

It’s natural to want to know what your ex is saying or doing. But turning your child into an informant damages your relationship and puts them in an impossible position.

Don’t ask:

• “What do you guys talk about?”
• “What did Mom/Dad say about me?”
• “Is Mom’s/Dad’s boyfriend/girlfriend staying over?”
• “What did you do this weekend?”

These questions may create anxiety in your child about spending time with either parent.

3. Don’t give up on contact (even when your child resists).

This is maybe the hardest one. When your child is pushing you away and telling you they don’t want to see you, your instinct might be to  respect their wishes and give them space.

Don’t.

Giving up sends your child the message that:

• The alienating parent was right about you.
• You’ve abandoned them.
• Their rejection worked.
• Love is conditional.

Instead, maintain consistent contact:

• Show up for your parenting time, even if they’re difficult.
• Keep calling and texting, even if responses are minimal.
• Attend their events, even if they ignore you.
• Keep sending cards and small gifts, even when they’re not acknowledged.

You’re playing the long game. Your consistent presence—your refusal to give up—will matter later.

4. Don’t put your child in the middle or make them choose.

Never ask your child to:

• Carry messages to your ex
• Testify about what happens at the other house
• Choose which parent they want to live with
• Spy or gather information
• Take sides 

This is your ex’s tactic. Don’t copy it.

5. Don’t react emotionally in front of your child.

When your child is cruel to you—and they will be—you can’t break down in front of them. Nor can you yell or guilt-trip them about how much they’re hurting you.

Your child needs to see that:

• You can handle their difficult emotions
• Their behavior doesn’t destroy you

Save your tears for your therapist, friends, or support group. In front of your child, you’re going to have to appear as calm, steady, and present as possible.

Track One: Legal and Protective Strategies

Now let’s talk about what you SHOULD be doing. These are the legal actions that’ll protect your rights and build your case.

1. Document Strategically (Not Obsessively)

You’ve probably heard you need to “document everything.” That’s partially true, but it’s more nuanced.

What to document:

• Specific instances of your ex’s alienating behaviors ( badmouthing, interference, withholding info)
• Your child’s behavioral changes (what they say, how they act, changes toward you)
• Violations of the parenting plan or court orders
• Communications with your ex that show the pattern
• Your efforts to maintain contact and consistent presence

How to document:

• Create a master chronology: Date, Description, Location of Evidence
• Keep it factual and unemotional
• Screenshots of texts and social media
• Save emails in a dedicated folder
• Keep a journal (write things down the day they happen)
• Note witnesses who were present

What NOT to document:

• Speculation about your ex’s motives
• Secondhand information
• Your emotional reactions

Why this matters: At some point, you may need to present evidence to a judge, custody evaluator, or attorney. Having organized, factual documentation that shows a pattern is way more compelling than emotional rants or scattered complaints.

2. Understand What Courts Actually Care About

This is critical: family courts don’t care about drama. They care about the best interests of your child.

That means, they don’t care:

• That your ex cheated
• That your ex is a terrible person
• About your feelings or even abuse directed at you (unless it affected the kids)

What they DO care about:

• Which parent encourages a relationship with the other parent
• Which parent facilitates frequent and continuing contact
• The kids’ safety and well-being
• Stability and continuity
• Who handles day-to-day parenting
• Evidence of behavior that harms the kids (including alienation)

You need to frame your evidence around these factors. 

3. Build Your Professional Team

You can’t do this alone. You need advocates who understand high-conflict divorce and parental alienation.

The right attorney: Most family lawyers don’t get alienation. You need someone who:

• Has experience with high-conflict cases
• Will advocate strongly but won’t escalate unnecessarily
• Understands personality disorders (especially narcissism)
• Won’t tell you to “just be more reasonable” with an unreasonable person
• Is strategic, not just combative

Ask potential attorneys: “Have you handled parental alienation cases? What was your approach? What were some success stories?“

A therapist for YOU: You also will need professional support to:

• Process your trauma and grief
• Manage your emotional reactions
• Develop coping strategies
• Stay mentally healthy through this
• Get an objective perspective

Find someone who understands trauma, high-conflict divorce, and ideally alienation dynamics.

Potentially, a therapist for your child: This is tricky. The wrong therapist can make things worse (especially if your ex controls the narrative). But the right one can:

• Provide your child with a safe space
• Help them navigate loyalty conflicts
• Document unhealthy dynamics
• Potentially advocate for your relationship

Look for therapists who:

• Won’t blindly accept your ex’s version of the narrative
• Are trained in high-conflict family dynamics
• Will speak with both parents

Other professionals who might help:

• Parenting coordinator (in some jurisdictions)
• Custody evaluator (when court-ordered)
• Guardian ad Litem (or child’s attorney)
• Coach (for you)

4. Present Like the Parent You Are

When you’re interacting with any professional—your attorney, a custody evaluator, a judge, your child’s therapist—how you present yourself matters enormously.

Let’s talk about “The Four C’s versus The Four A’s,” inspired by a model from psychologist Dr. Steven G. Miller :

The Four C’s are what you want to project:

• Calm: Even when discussing painful topics, you’re composed.
• Cooperation: You’re willing to work with others, follow recommendations, and be flexible.
• Being Child-focused: Everything centers on what’s best for your child.
• Being Credible: With organized evidence and a consistent story, you’re the honest one.

The Four A’s are what you what to avoid:

• Anger: Even justified anger makes you look unhinged.
• Agitation: Emotional volatility suggests instability.
• Being Argumentative: Fighting with everyone makes you look difficult.
• Being Adversarial: Being combative suggests you’re part of the problem.

As NY family law attorney Dennis Vetrano told us: “I’ve seen parents with strong cases lose custody because they presented poorly. And parents with weaker cases win because they stayed calm and child-focused. Presentation matters more than people realize.“

Practical tips:

• Dress professionally for court or meetings (Men – wear the white shirt! Women – neutral colors!)
• Speak calmly and respectfully, even about your ex
• Focus on your child’s needs, not your grievances
• Bring organized documentation
• Don’t trash-talk professionals, even if you disagree
• Show you’re willing to follow recommendations

5. Know When Court Intervention Is Necessary

Not every case requires immediate legal action. Sometimes going to court too soon or too often makes things worse.

Here’s how to assess:

Mild alienation (early stage):

• Your child is slightly resistant before or during exchanges, but still sees you.
• They warm up once they settle into spending time together.
• You’re maintaining some positive connection.

Action: Document, strengthen relationship, monitor for escalation.

Moderate alienation (concerning):

• Your child strongly resists parenting time, and may occasionally refuse to see you.
• They’re oppositional throughout visits.
• Your ex is actively undermining you.

Action: Consider legal consultation, possibly mediation or parenting coordination.

Severe alienation (crisis):

• Your child refuses all contact.
• They express extreme negativity with no valid justification.
• Your parenting time has been eliminated or severely reduced by your ex without court intervention.

Action: Immediate legal intervention is probably necessary

What to request from the court:

• Court-ordered therapy (potentially reunification therapy)
• Consequences for violations
• Appointment of guardian ad litem or parenting coordinator
• In extreme cases, a change in primary custody

Important: Going to court with a “parental alienation” claim is risky. Some judges are receptive; others are hostile to the term. Work with your attorney to frame concerns in terms the court cares about: behavior that harms the child’s relationship with both parents, which is contrary to the child’s best interests.

Track Two: Relationship-Strengthening Strategies

Court orders can protect your parenting time, but they can’t repair your relationship. That requires a different set of strategies focused on connection, emotional safety, and patience.

1. Be the Sanctuary Your Child Needs

Your child is living in a psychological war zone. They’re being pressured and manipulated, and are often forced to take sides. They’re anxious, confused, and scared.

You need to be the place where they can breathe.

This means:

• You don’t force your child to defend you or explain their feelings.
• You create space for them to be themselves without judgment.
• Your home is drama-free, predictable, and calm.
• You don’t engage in the conflict your ex is creating.
• You’re the parent who doesn’t require them to choose.

When your child is with you, focus on:

• Routine and structure (kids need predictability)
• Low-stress activities
• Quality time without pressure to “have fun”
• Emotional safety and acceptance

One of our clients put it this way: “I stopped trying to compete with my ex’s Disneyland parenting and focused on being steady. I did what I had to do to keep our kid in the same high school, and made sure she could stay in taekwondo. It was hard to do regular sit-down family dinners, but we’d share takeout in the car between her practices, and managed to connect in those brief conversations. My daughter didn’t know it then, but that stability was exactly what she needed.”

2. The Power of Your Consistent Presence

This is maybe the single most important strategy: keep showing up.

Even when your child:

• Says they don’t want to see you
• Is cruel or dismissive
• Spends the whole visit in their room
• Acts like they’d rather be anywhere else

You show up anyway.

You attend their games, even if they ignore you. You send texts, even if they don’t respond. You drop off little gifts, even if they’re not acknowledged. You keep calling, even if the calls are awkward.

Why? Because consistency sends powerful messages:

To your child:

• “I’m not giving up on you.”
• “You can push me away and I’ll still be here.”
• “You’re worth fighting for.”

To your ex:

• “I’m not going anywhere.”
• “Your terrorist campaign won’t work.”
• “You can’t break our bond.”

To the court (if it comes to that):

• “I’ve exercised every opportunity for parenting time.”
• “I’ve been reliable.”
• “I’m the parent who didn’t give up.”

Charlie McCready, a UK alienation coach who was himself alienated from his kids for years, told us: “The parents who eventually reunite are almost always the ones who never stopped trying. Even with no contact, they kept sending cards, showing up to events, making it clear they were still there. That consistency plants seeds.“

3. Listen Without Defending Yourself

This one is crucial.

When your child says hurtful things—accusations, complaints, anger—your instinct is to defend yourself, explain, and especially, to correct the record.

Don’t.

Here’s why: Your child isn’t really looking for explanations. They’re expressing feelings—even if those feelings were programmed into them. If you immediately defend yourself, you:

• Trigger their defensiveness
• Invalidate their experience
• Reinforce that you’re “the problem”

Instead, try this:

Child: “Mom says you never cared about our family.”

You (not this): “That’s not true! I was the one who worked hard to support you while your mom spent all the money!”

You (try this): “That sounds really painful to hear. I love you very much, and I always have.”

See the difference? Through reflexive listening, you’re:

• Validating their feeling (not the content, but the feeling)
• Not engaging with the false narrative
• Stating your truth simply
• Not badmouthing your ex
• Showing empathy

This is SO hard and often feels counter-intuitive. And it requires incredible emotional regulation. But it works.

Therapist Chelsey Brooke Cole, who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery, explained it this way:

“When you stay calm and don’t take the bait, you create cognitive dissonance for the child. They’ve been told you’re reactive, defensive, and difficult. But you’re not acting that way. Over time, that matters.“

4. Create New Positive Memories

Your child may have been taught to rewrite history—to remember only bad things about your relationship. You can’t always force them to remember the good times, but you can create new positive experiences.

Focus on:

• Activities that allow natural conversation (walking, driving, cooking together).
• Things your child genuinely enjoys (not what you think they should).
• Low-pressure quality time (no forced “bonding”).
• Small rituals that become “your thing” (special breakfasts, game nights, etc.)
• Moments of humor and lightness

Don’t try to compete with your ex’s fun activities. The goal is genuine connection.

One client told us: “I stopped trying to plan fancy vacations I can’t afford. Instead, we started cooking dinner together every Sunday I had her. Just us in the kitchen, listening to Bon Jovi and talking while we chopped vegetables. Those became her favorite memories—not because they were exciting, but because they were ours.”

5. Age-Appropriate Honesty About the Situation

At some point, your child may confront you directly with lies or accusations. Or they may ask questions about why things are the way they are.

Be prepared with age-appropriate honesty that:

• Doesn’t badmouth your ex
• Doesn’t burden your child with adult information
• Corrects blatant falsehoods without being defensive
• Empowers your child to think for themselves

For younger kids (under 10):

• Keep it simple: “Sometimes parents see things differently.”
• Validate feelings: “It sounds like you’re hearing things that sometimes might not make sense.”
• Reassure: “I love you very much, and that will never change.”

Don’t elaborate: They don’t need specific details about your adult conflict.

For tweens/teens:

• Acknowledge more: “I know you’re hearing different stories from each of us. That must be really hard.”
• Gently correct major falsehoods: “I want you to know that’s not accurate, but I’m not going to argue about it. You can form your own opinions as you get older.”
• Encourage critical thinking: “I hope you’ll always feel like you can ask me questions and decide for yourself what’s true.”
• Respect their intelligence: “You’re old enough to see that this situation is complicated.”

What to say about specific accusations:

If your child says you “abandoned” them: “I’ve never stopped trying to see you. I’ve exercised every bit of parenting time I have, and I’ll always show up for you.”

If they repeat lies about abuse or neglect: “That’s not what happened, but I understand you’ve been told that. I hope someday we can talk about it when you’re ready.”

If they say they don’t want to see you anymore: “I hear that you’re feeling that way right now, and I’m sorry this is so hard. But I’m your parent, and I’m not going to give up on you. Even when it’s difficult, I’ll keep showing up because I love you.”

6. Take Care of Yourself So You Can Show Up

You can’t pour from an empty cup. This situation is traumatic; support is going to save you.

Get therapy. Not “if you feel like you need it”—just get it. You need a professional space to:

• Process your grief and anger
• Develop coping strategies
• Get objective feedback
• Work through your trauma
• Stay emotionally healthy

Build your support system:

• If you’re lucky enough, friends or family who get it (or at least try)
• Support groups for alienated parents
• Online communities where people understand

Practice self-care:

• Exercise (essential for managing stress and trauma)
• Sleep (as much as you can)
• Nutrition (stress makes us want to skip this, but it matters)
• Mindfulness or meditation
• Activities that give you joy and purpose (any creative projects)

Set boundaries with people who don’t help:

• Some people will say hurtful things out of ignorance.
• It’s okay to limit contact with people who make it worse.
• You don’t owe everyone an explanation.
• Protect your energy—you need it for your child.

Manage your expectations:

• Progress will be slow and non-linear.
• Some days will be harder than others.
• You won’t do everything perfectly, and that’s okay.
• This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Psychotherapist Leslie Miller, who works with high-conflict divorce parents, told us: “The parents who make it through are the ones who prioritize their own healing. You can’t show up as the stable, regulated parent your child needs if you’re falling apart. Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s strategic.“

What About Therapy for Your Child?

This is a question we get constantly, and the answer is: it depends.

Therapy can be incredibly helpful for kids navigating divorce and conflict. But in alienation situations, it can also be weaponized or make things worse if you’re not careful.

Individual therapy for your child can help if:

• The therapist has experience with divorce/high-conflict families.
• The therapist will communicate with both parents.
• The child has a safe space to process feelings without pressure.

Individual therapy can hurt if:

• The therapist isn’t trained in high-conflict dynamics
• Your ex controls the narrative and the therapist only hears their side
• The therapist reinforces your child’s alienated perspective
• The child uses therapy as a weapon (reporting distorted information)

Reunification therapy is a specialized intervention for situations where:

• Both education and therapeutic work are needed.
• The relationship needs intensive repair
• Court orders mandate the therapy

Reunification therapy can be effective but is also controversial. It requires a skilled practitioner and often court support.

Our recommendation: In some cases, requesting therapy can be strategic (especially if you can influence therapist selection). In other cases, it gives your ex more ammunition.

Realistic Timeline Expectations

We need to be honest with you: this is not a quick fix.

Parental alienation typically takes months or years to develop, and it takes months or years to address. Although we have known situations where (miraculously) kids return and it’s almost as though nothing ever happened, there’s no magic intervention that’ll instantly restore your relationship.

Here’s what a realistic timeline might look like:

Months 1-3: Crisis mode and stabilization

• You’re recognizing what’s happening and getting organized
• You’re documenting, building your team, consulting professionals
• You’re implementing strategies
• You might not see much improvement yet

Months 3-6: Early interventions

• Legal actions (if necessary) are underway
• You’re seeing professionals (evaluators, coordinators, etc.)
• You’re maintaining consistent presence despite resistance
• Small signs of progress might appear (brief warmth, less hostility)

Months 6-12: The long middle

• This is often the hardest phase—you’re doing everything right but progress is slow
• You might have good weeks and terrible weeks
• Court processes are ongoing (and frustrating)
• You’re maintaining the marathon mindset

Year 1-2: Potential turning points

• As your child matures, they may start questioning the narrative
• Court interventions may start to have effect
• Small improvements accumulate
• Your consistent presence is starting to pay off

Year 2+: Long-term recovery

• Significant healing can occur, but it varies enormously
• Some relationships substantially repair; others remain strained
• Adult children sometimes reach out years later with new perspective

The hard truth: Some kids remain alienated into adulthood. We can’t guarantee you’ll fully restore your relationship. But we can tell you that parents who follow these strategies—who stay calm, document strategically, maintain consistent presence, and don’t give up—have the best chance of eventual reconciliation.

How to measure progress:

• Less resistance to parenting time
• Reduced hostility is progress, even without affection yet
• Your child asking to bring a friend to your house (feeling safer there)
• Small wins count (a genuine smile, a good conversation, a willing hug)
• Longer phone conversations
• Moments when they seem like themselves again

Don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Alienated kids often take two steps forward and one step back. They might warm up to you, then feel guilty and pull away again. We’ve also seen cases where kids came back and it was like nothing ever happened, even after months or years of separation. 

Why You Need Expert Guidance (And What We’re Doing to Help)

If you’ve read this far, you’ve got a much clearer picture of what’s happening and what you need to do about it.

But here’s the truth: this article is just scratching the surface.

We’ve given you an overview, but successfully navigating parental alienation requires deep understanding of:

• Legal strategies and court systems: What judges actually care about,  when to act and when to wait, what evidence matters, and how to present your case, 
• Strategic documentation: Not just what to document, but how to organize and present it while tying it to custody factors
• Communication strategies: How to talk to your child at different ages, proper responses, and scripts for tough conversations
• Self-protection: How to stay regulated under extreme stress and manage your mental health 
• Relationship repair: Specific parenting approaches that strengthen your bond, as well as age-appropriate interventions
• Professional navigation: How to respectfully work with evaluators, therapists, and attorneys who may not understand alienation
• Recovery and healing: For both you and your child, during and after

That’s why we’ve written a comprehensive book specifically for parents experiencing parental alienation.

This book is built on:

• Our years working one-on-one with parents navigating these situations
• Hundreds of interviews with attorneys, therapists, evaluators, and experts
• Real success stories from clients who’ve been through this
• Current research on alienation, attachment, and family systems
• Hard-won wisdom about what actually works (and what doesn’t)

The book includes:

• Deep dives into each alienating tactic with specific response strategies
• Comprehensive strategic legal guidance including how to build your case, work with your attorney, and persuasively present in court
• The complete documentation system with templates, examples, and step-by-step instructions
• Age-specific parenting approaches from toddlers to young adults
• Scripts and responses for dozens of challenging situations
• Self-care and healing protocols for the targeted parent
• Real case studies showing how parents successfully addressed alienation
• Expert insights from the attorneys, therapists, and coaches we’ve interviewed
• Hope and realistic expectations for what recovery can look like in both you and your child

We’ve lived through high-conflict co-parenting ourselves, helped hundreds of clients and tens of thousands in our community, watched exes try to destroy relationships, and seen the devastation it causes. And we’ve also worked with parents successfully navigating this nightmare and coming out the other side with their relationships intact—or restored.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Join Our Book Waitlist

Our book is launching in January 2026, and we want you to be among the first to know when it’s available.

This is completely free. No commitment. Just put your name on the list.

About Our Parental Alienation Course

We’re also producing a comprehensive online course that builds on the book and provides:

• 16+ intensive modules covering every aspect of parental alienation
• Video lessons you can watch at your own pace
• Downloadable resources including templates, worksheets, and guides
• Expert interviews with attorneys and therapists specializing in alienation
• Community support from other parents in similar situations
• Direct coaching access to work with us directly in a group setting or one-on-one, to come up with solutions tailored to your specific needs

The course is designed to be the most comprehensive source for help with this terrible problem, providing deep implementation guidance, ongoing support, and community connection. Join the book waitlist and you’ll see an option to also get more information about the course.

You’ve Got This (Even Though It Doesn’t Feel Like It)

Let’s bring this full circle.

You came to this article probably feeling desperate, confused, and terrified; questioning yourself, wondering if you were imagining things, unsure of what to do next.

Now you know:

• What’s happening has a name
• Why your ex is doing this (and it’s not about you)
• The specific tactics being used against you
• What this is doing to your child
• What you can do—both legally and relationally—to protect your relationship
• That you’re not the only one experiencing this (it actually affects 20-22 million people in the US and Canada alone!)

That’s real progress.

You’ve taken the first and most important step: you’ve begun educating yourself. You sought out information, found this article, and are maybe even ready to take action.

That matters more than you realize.

Here’s what we know about parents who successfully navigate parental alienation:

They’re not the ones with the most money or the best attorneys (though those help). They’re the ones who:

• Stay calm and strategic even when they’re falling apart inside
• Don’t give up, even when it seems hopeless
• Focus on what they can control
• Maintain consistent, loving presence no matter what
• Take care of themselves so they can show up for their kids
• Think in terms of years, not weeks
• Trust that their bond with their child is stronger than the alienation

That’s who you are becoming.

You’re in one of the most painful situations a parent can face. The fact that you’re reading this—that you’re seeking help, learning strategies, and preparing to fight for your child—says everything about who you are.

Your child is lucky to have you.

They may not know it yet, and they certainly may not be able to show it  right now. But somewhere underneath the manipulation, programming and fear, they know. And someday—whether it’s months or years from now—they’ll understand what you did for them. How you refused to give up. How you stayed strong. How you loved them even when they pushed you away.

That’s the parent they need.

Not perfect. Not unaffected. But steady. Present. Loving. Committed. 

You’ve got this. Even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it. Even when your child is cruel, when your ex wins a court battle, when professionals don’t understand, when well-meaning friends say the wrong thing.

You’ve got this because you have to. Because your child needs you to. And because giving up is not an option.

And you’re not doing it alone. You have:

• The information in this article
• The resources we’re creating
• A community of parents who understand
• Professionals who specialize in this
• Your own strength (which is greater than you know)

Take it one day at a time. One strategy at a time. One small bit of progress at a time.

Document today’s interaction. Send that text your child won’t respond to. Show up to that soccer game they’ll ignore you at. Schedule that therapy appointment for yourself. Take that walk to clear your head. Read this article again when you need a reminder.

And when you’re ready for deeper support, when you need the comprehensive guide that’ll walk you through every aspect of this journey—join our book waitlist.

Because you deserve support. Your child deserves your best self. And this fight is worth fighting.

We’re in this with you.